Friday, May 3, 2013

New Post.

This is strictly for backup purposes. Pay no mind.

Andrew


Monday, October 31, 2011

Underrated: The Blair Witch Project

You know, in the years since it came out, The Blair Witch Project has been the subject of a rather strong backlash....
See, back in 1999, it was friggin' HUGE there for a couple of months, despite its humble origins. Largely due to clever viral marketing and strong word of mouth, The Blair Witch Project surprisingly turned into a runaway hit, and the studio behind its distribution did everything in its power to milk that cash cow for every penny possible until it was utterly spent.

(And it succeeded.)

However, by the time the release had finished making, oh, about 1441321874656143045783 billion dollars, people turned on it. In most circles nowadays, I see The Blair Witch Project, at the very least, dismissed, and at the very worst, blasted without mercy...sometimes with what comes across as downright malice. The detractors say that it had no plot; they say its actors were bad and characters obnoxious; they insist that the film is boring, repetitive, and even responsible for motion sickness....You know -- they basically can't STAND the friggin' thing.

And, honestly, I can't, per se, argue with many of their points. After all, The Blair Witch Project is no doubt an unusual specimen -- more of an experiment than a conventional motion picture, really. From its almost total lack of pre-written dialogue, to its decidedly amateurish style of camerawork, this movie abandons most conventions of "normal" filmmaking. It is intrinsically different, bravely throwing out of the window just about everything that we think a movie should be from the get-go. It's to be expected that such a gamble simply won't click with many viewers, and some folks will even be so annoyed as to suggest that the result is not a "real movie."

Well, technically, I'll concede that such critics may, on the surface, have a point. The Blair Witch Project doesn't come across like (and wasn't made like) nearly any other movie one could find, and few parts of the standard skillset to make a motion picture ever come into play with it. Yet, that's precisely why I consider the whole thing such a remarkable triumph of creativity.

(Yeah. They creeped people out with a bunch of sticks. --Hell of a lot harder to do than it is with vampire fangs or buckets of zombie blood. So...you know...deal with it.)

Look, you can talk until you're blue in the face about how The Blair Witch Project is a cheap piece of crap, but at the end of the day, nothing is going to change the fact that, during the magical summer of 1999, millions of people saw this movie, and a good portion of them (in the beginning, anyway) ACTUALLY BELIEVED that it was for real. Try to deny this assertion 500 million times if you wish, but I know that you are wrong because...well...I REMEMBER what went down.

It was a juggernaut, and never before had I witnessed an independent motion picture of its ilk create a phenomenon quite like that. HOW did such a cheap-as-heck, micro-budget little flick along these strange lines get anywhere at all?

Well, I'll tell you why: because it was an ingenious concept that just happened to find a core crew of incredibly talented individuals who were uniquely capable of making it all work in JUUUST the right, very specific, and ONLY way that it could have.


Listen: even once the film had received a wide theatrical release and the truth about it was well-documented, lots and lots of viewers still had the pants scared straight off of them by experience, convinced that the college kids depicted therein HAD to be dead. Hell, it took an appearance on the friggin' Jay Leno Show by those three actors to conclusively shut down such speculation...and the fact that any movie could so deftly dupe the supposedly media-savvy modern American public really boggled my mind at the time. Looking back, I'll admit that such baffling hype was ultimately what made me finally decide to go check the dang movie out for myself.

And, when I saw The Blair Witch Project for the first time, it was at a major chain movie theater, AFTER the film had achieved its massive mainstream success. The Blair Witch Project was still at the height of its fame, hovering in the number one position at the box office for what seemed like an eternity, having been fully vetted by the media. When I walked into that theater, I KNEW that it was fake, and I KNEW exactly how the story was going to play out, OK??? I KNEW that it was not real when I saw it. I can't stress this enough.

Yet, that did not stop me from basically having a panic attack right there in the theater. I mean, I had already been told by friends exactly what was going to happen in the film, but nothing they'd said had actually prepared me. The Blair Witch Project scared the hell out of me in a very deep and new kind of way, blowing my mind in the process. In particular, I remember that, no matter how many times I saw it, there was always a certain point towards the end (when our heroes are entering the abandoned house) that caused my heart to start racing, thumping harder and harder, as I desperately fought off dizziness and prayed to God that I wouldn't totally lose it and make a public scene. No movie had ever done anything like that to me before, and it was both frightening and exhilarating. I certainly knew better, but that didn't make any difference; it was like a challenge for me to make it through this particular experience.

(Thump...thump...THUMP!)

And I treated it like one. This may sound weird, but I wanted to "beat" The Blair Witch Project by getting all the way through it without being stricken with that sudden burst of straight-out panic. It was like I needed to prove something to myself, and I ended up seeing the film a grand total of eleven times that summer. It still occupies the top spot on my coveted list of Movies That Drew Saw In A Theater The Most Times.

So, more than ten years after its release, I decided to pick up a DVD of The Blair Witch Project to give it another look, and I'm devoting my super special Halloween post to it.

Enjoy!


The Blair Witch Project (1999)
hhttp://www.imdb.com/title/tt0185937/


Netflix description:
Brash student filmmakers Heather (Heather Donahue), Josh (Joshua Leonard) and Mike (Michael Williams) march into the woods near Burkittsville, Md., to make a documentary about the legendary Blair Witch, who's credited with a string of heinous murders dating back 200 years. But the trio loses their way and soon find themselves surrounded by a malignant terror. This shot-on-a-shoestring-budget indie sensation earned instant cult status.


In case you live under a rock, here's the concept of The Blair Witch Project: Three student filmmakers disappear into the woods near a small town while making a documentary about a local ghost legend. They are never seen again, but a year later, their footage is found. Their footage IS the movie. Got it?

Much (in fact, most) of The Blair Witch Project is actually VHS-grade camcorder material, shot by our main heroine, Heather (Heather Donahue). She's excited about getting to direct her first student film, and wants to document the experience with these little "behind-the-scenes" video diaries. Also, since she's the one holding the camera and doing most of the talking, we get to know her best. Heather's a little bit bossy, but by no means a bitch (at least, in my opinion). She isn't afraid to party, seems fairly intelligent, and jokes around with the other guys. Frankly, I always admired her.

And speaking of the other two guys -- there's Mike (Michael Williams), and Josh (Joshua Leonard). Mike is their sound guy, and a bit of a fraidy cat, while Josh is the camera operator (that is, of the "REAL" camera intended for the documentary the trio is shooting), and comes across as a simple stoner. Get used to these kids, as they're the ONLY people we hear from for 75 percent of the movie. Once they hike out into the woods to visit some sites relevant to their documentary, it's all them, man!


But first, the kids interview people around the tiny Maryland town of Burkitssville (formerly Blair) about the legend of the Blair Witch for us to get some backstory. See, it seems that there are long-running rumors about the woods surrounding the community being haunted, and everyone in town knows at least a little something about this myth. Folks over the years have described strange noises, creepy visions, and a variety of difficult-to-explain events having occurred out in this vast woodland, even if few of the stories have any credibility. Heather, as part of her documentary, relates to us a couple of incidents involving bizarre murders to have taken place near Burkittsville which some suspect were related to the alleged haunting of the area -- for example, the case of a man who killed eight children in his cabin back in the 50s, claiming that the Blair Witch made him do it. It's extremely important to pay attention to these scenes, as the information they provide will explain just about everything that transpires later.

So, yeah -- Heather, Mike, and Josh head out into the wilderness, planning to be out there for no more than a couple of days, TOPS. They've got a map of the area, and instructions on how to reach their destinations. In and out, baby. A real piece of cake!

Right?

(...Right???)

Nah. Actually, things go awry for these kids pretty quick. In the beginning, the trio simply gets a little lost...but as their journey takes them deeper into the woods, stranger and stranger things happen. They hear the sounds of trees being knocked over in the middle of the night; they come across bundles of sticks arranged to look like murder victims lying around; they eventually get attacked one early morning by forces unseen....The gang is soon desperate to get out of that forest, and as fast as possible.

But they CAN'T.

See, after having walked ALL day in one direction along the side of a creek at one point, our heroes wind up back at the EXACT SAME SPOT where they started. It becomes obvious at this juncture that something far worse than mere harassment by creative rednecks is going on.


This is where the true paranoia begins, and really, the true FEAR. See, The Blair Witch Project relies entirely on an emotion that few movies are able to properly convey: the fear of things we cannot see. Heather, Mike, and Josh don't actually SEE their tormentors until, really, the moment of their death...and we the audience never see their tormentors at all. These three are just running around lost in the woods, terrified of what will happen next because they don't even necessarily know what's after them. It's like when you're a kid and afraid of the dark -- you haven't seen anything, you haven't actually heard anything, and you can't really even define what it is that's so terrifying to you....You just know it's there, and THAT is all you need to be kept awake all friggin' night.

Yes, as an audience, we never get to view the source of the horror in The Blair Witch Project. Everything is implied to us, but never displayed. The ending of the movie, to me, was its most brilliant moment, as the filmmakers here stuck to their decision to NOT show us anything, even at the point when it would have been the most tempting.


Here's a comparison: You ever see Paranormal Activity??? --It's that haunting movie that everyone rates against The Blair Witch Project because...you know...it uses the same concept. Well, I really liked Paranormal Activity ALMOST the whole way through. However, the film almost completely blew my goodwill in, literally, its final three seconds. Yeah -- Paranormal Activity is the only movie I ever saw that was good until the VERY LAST couple of seconds. Way to screw it up, guys!

And, you wanna know how??? Well, it's like this: the very last shot of that particular motion picture is of its heroine lunging at the camera with a mutated face, making a typical Hollywood monster shrieking noise. Up until that point, I thought the movie was great -- mysterious, spooky, keeping us guessing -- but then, at the final moment, they just couldn't resist breaking out the stupid makeup and sound effects. God, that pissed me off.

(Der-herr....)

Well, The Blair Witch Project never makes that mistake. It sticks to its premise of forcing us to imagine what the hell is going on. No silly last minute monster shots or gore orgies -- it has RESTRAINT from start to finish. It's a slow, rolling boil; tension builds, and drama deepens. It's all a mind game from start to finish, and a masterful one at that.

Also, the fact that it's so darn simple has always been inspiring to me. Imagine -- making a movie with almost no resources whatsoever, but ending up with a massive box office success, simply because you were able to come up with a concept that was clever enough. Only Kevin Smith's Clerks has ever managed to be so damn cheap while reeling audiences in due to nothing more than a novel concept or smart writing. That's awesome!

And, yeah, I know that The Blair Witch Project was by no means the first movie to use the "discovered amateur footage" angle (Cannibal Holocaust comes to mind as a much earlier example), but it's the first one to actually do it RIGHT. People bought this stuff, hook, line, and sinker while it went on to become one of the most successful horror releases of all-time...without using any special effects. Sorry, but that's impressive.

And, do you know who I think deserves the most credit? --Its actors. Anyone who claims they weren't good is full of crap, and the proof of that is in the fact that the movie caught on so well. If these kids had been bad, people would never have found the film so believable. I've always felt that Heather Donahue, in particular, deserved far more accolades than she ever received for this excellent performance. SHE is the center of The Blair Witch Project; SHE makes it work. Frankly, I think the only reason she wasn't considered for any serious awards for this one was because it was a micro budget horror flick (in other words, snobbery). I SO hoped to see her in a million other movies after The Blair Witch Project took off.

Heather, you ROCK!

(...And yet, you wound up doing Streak 'N Shake commercials...Damnit.)

Even if one doesn't find The Blair Witch Project to be his or her cup of tea, I simply cannot understand how they would fail to be impressed by the fact that a couple of enterprising young filmmakers were able to use little more than a cheap handheld camera to make something that actually went on to scare millions of people. It relies on the most basic kind of terror of all -- that which exists only in our minds and can't even be described -- while hitting a grand slam in the process.

Compare it to other motion pictures of its ilk, but none of them are quite what The Blair Witch Project was. This one never needed special effects, makeup, or even a friggin' soundtrack; all it needed was an IDEA.

And it's still better than your favorite horror movie.

Go figure.

5 out of 5.

b.

Friday, October 28, 2011

YO!

Hey, hey, hey!
SO...who's been absent from his blogging duties for the past several weeks???

(By the way, fun fact: the other guy in this pic with me is the frontman of the band, Marcy Playground.)

Yeah, I know. I've been neglecting my blog once again (and during the most important time of the year, no less). That is fundamentally unacceptable, and you have my sincere apologies.

HOWEVER, I have a good reason.

You see, I...I...umm...I....

Hmmm.

Oh, yes -- I remember my excuse now: You see, friends, I haven't been blogging for the past couple of weeks because, well....


Yeah. I just plum forgot! So, CLEARLY, you can understand that my absence has, in no way, been my own personal fault. I accept your forgiveness and apologies for having so unfairly judged me as being just plain lazy.


ANYway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm now back in action, and anxious to post a review of a film that I have always found to be absolutely brilliant. While there may have been a backlash against it in the years since its initial success, I say that's bullcrap. Indeed, the movie I have in mind was a game-changing inspiration for me; it was genius...and I don't care what anyone else says.


I'm talking about The Blair Witch Project.


Sorry, but the hype was justified. I stand firmly behind that assertion, and can't wait to give this film the review that it deserves.

I'll be back soon.



Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Classic Monster Madness

Well, I've been spending most of this Shocktoberween watching TONS of classic horror films....
All the greats here, folks: Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, The Invisible Man, The Mummy. Yup -- all of 'em.

(Thank you, Universal, for some of the greatest memories Hollywood ever created.)

Indeed, I am a lifelong fan of the classics. There's a poetry to the old horror flicks that cannot be found in modern motion pictures. As Bela Lugosi said in Ed Wood, these films were mythic; even the crappiest throwaway monster pictures of the 1930s and 40s had an artistic vision and sort of grand cinematic flair that is only recreated in modern films by the very greatest of directors. Ah, how I wish I could travel through time and walk into a packed theater in 1931 to check out Dracula in all its strange glory. What a thrilling experience that must have been for folks back in the day.

(That would be AWESOME.)

I tell you, it's been one heck of a week. I LITERALLY watched every single classic Frankenstein movie on Sunday, in order of their original release. That's eight films in all. Hey, what can I say? One thing led to another, and I just kept streaming them as the day went on. I REGRET NOTHING!!!

And I gotta thank You Tube for making that adventure possible. See, it's perhaps a little known fact that, like, ALL of the classic horror flicks are actually available, in their entirety, on the good old You Tubes. You can watch 'em for hours and hours!

The copyright situation here is a bit murky. I mean, one would THINK that if it were a violation for someone to post these films on the site, they'd be removed pretty darn quick (YouTube is surprisingly efficient about finding stuff that doesn't belong there and taking it down, in general). Yet, there they are.

On the other hand, though, if movies like Frankenstein and The Wolfman, etc. are actually PUBLIC DOMAIN, then why the heck don't they appear on the compilation disks I like to pick up for five bucks each year around this time??? You know -- if enterprising distributors of non copyrighted material from decades gone by are selling stuff like Maniac and The Last Man on Earth on a single disk for a couple of dollars, they'd be crazy not to throw together a release with the true heavy hitters! The fact that they fail to suggests to me that doing so would not be legal.

(The kind of awesome public domain collections you can scoop up this time of year.)

So...IS it legal for, say, The Creature from the Black Lagoon to be on YouTube, then??? I have no idea, and frankly, don't really care. Hey, that's someone else's issue to deal with, anyway. The POINT is that...well...it's there now, and you can watch it.

Check out this guy, in particular. He's got TONS of great old movies posted in playlist format, so you can view them without having to get up to click the next segment every ten minutes. That's where I watched all the Frankenstein flicks. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Seriously, people -- I cannot stress this enough....

And, as long as I'm talking Frankenstein, here's a very quick report on what I learned about all of that lovable character's classic films in recent days. Let's take a look at each one.

Frankenstein (1931)

The first one, and my second favorite. You really can't argue with this icon of horror cinema on any level. Lavish and creepy sets, combined with an inspired performance from Colin Clive, make this motion picture one of the best EVER.

5 out of 5.

Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

While not as culturally significant as the first Frankenstein picture, Bride of Frankenstein is actually my personal favorite. It's beautiful in just about every way; performances are top notch; and I find the relationship that the monster establishes with a blind monk about halfway through to be deeply moving. This one is the most tragic story in the entire series.

5 out of 5.

(Is it weird that I find her kind of hot???)

Son of Frankenstein (1939)

This one brings some really interesting ideas to the table. I liked the characters, in particular. For example, it's the first time we're introduced to Igor, even though most people think that Igor was Doctor Frankenstein's assistant in ALL of the films (nope -- that's incorrect). An extra special treat is the fact that he's played by the brilliant Bela Lugosi.

4 out of 5.

Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

The last truly good classic Frankenstein picture. This one is where the series started to run off the tracks, although it manages to finish off fairly strong. The fact that Boris Karloff is no longer playing the monster perhaps hurts the overall experience, although the presence of Lugosi's Igor once again kind of compensates for that. I enjoy this movie, but it's probably where Universal should have stopped trying to milk the series.

3 out of 5.


And the rest....

Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman (1943), House of Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula (1945), and Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) are all pretty weak. The character of the monster is a rather empty caricature in these flicks, and in fact, barely appears AT ALL in some of them. I rate each one a 2 out of 5. Meh, blegh, and blah.

So, there you have it. All of the Frankenstein movies that I watched IN ONE DAY this week. I'm kinda proud of myself for pulling that off, to be honest.

(I thought I told you to shut up.)

ANYway, just thought I'd give you a quick recap of what I've been doing this fine week in Shocktoberween (how annoying is it that I keep saying that???). I'll be back in the coming days with a review of a much more recent horror film. In the meantime, have yerself a fine weekend, and go check out some classic cinema while you're at it.

Peace out.

b.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Shocktoberween Stuff From Around The Web

Well, it's once again October, the most magical month of the year....
Nothing gets my juices flowing like the fall. The best foods come out around this time; the best movies tend to be released around this time; and the weather gets nice and cool again around this time (but not SO cool as to be as miserable as winter). Yes, I am in my very best spiritual place come October -- or as I like to call it, "Shocktoberween."


And, friends, have I got extra special NEWS for you this month: I have found the woman of my dreams!

(Tis the season...for LOVE!!!)

Indeed, located deep within the bowels of the web, there is a certain special someone -- a lady so nice, the world named her twice.

I'm talking about Obscurus Lupa.


I found her thanks to my pal, the Nostalgia Critic, about whom I've written before. See, the Nostalgia Critic, in addition to featuring his own film reviews at ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, also hosts videos from, like, OTHER people over there.

Well, I never really paid a whole lot of attention to any of them (hey, who has the time?)...UNTIL, that is, a couple of weeks ago, when the N.A. did a joint video with none other than Miss Obscura Lupa. They analyzed some Dennis Rodman action flick from the late 90s, and the result was friggin' hilarious. I mean, talk about chemistry!


But that wasn't enough for me. I was like, "I must know more about this strange woman who's invaded my weekly Nostalgia Critic video." So, I found Lupa's page, and thus unfolded two weeks or so of solid entertainment. Seriously -- this chick's video library is a goldmine of crappy movies. We're talking the kind of low-grade stuff I remember watching on HBO at three AM when I was about 12 or 13: direct-to-video slasher flicks and karate fests; fodder for Joe Bob Briggs' Drive-In Theater. I LOVE seeing these things again, and have been in Hog Heaven with Lupa's reviews.


And to think that a GIRL would be so into content of this nature. Damn you, Lupa! I probably have blown two gigs or so of my monthly bandwidth cap on perusing your 50 some-odd videos in recent weeks!!!

(Yup, she covers The Room, too.)

But that's OK, as it's clear I have finally found the partner for me. Friends, Obscurus Lupa (real name Allison...something) OBVIOUSLY should be my special lady friend. I knew it for certain when I saw her review of Zombie Nation (which was also reviewed by Yours Truly). I mean, who but the absolute greatest of women would actually sit through something that shitty, like I would???

What I'm saying here is that great minds think alike.

(That's for me to know, and you to worry about, Lupa....)

We shall marry. ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. And there will be dancing, with flutes and trombones playing...and much rejoicing. And our children will start a family band that tours the countryside, as all is right with the wor--

Eh, who am I kidding?

Someone as cool as Obscurus Lupa would never want to be with me. I'm a nobody! A loser!! A sad shell of a man!!! I haven't got the big bucks, great looks, or clean criminal record that a dame of her caliber requires.

And she's probably a lesbian, anyway.

Sigh. Forget the whole thing....

(Shut up, stupid cat.)

But, STILL, I recommend checking out some of Lupa's videos. She's incredibly funny -- kinda like the Nostalgia Critic...only hotter, and into weirder stuff.

OH, and one more Shocktoberween link for you here today:

My old buddy, James Rolfe (aka the Angry Video Game Nerd), is currently ankle deep in his annual Monster Madness month of horror film reviews. Yup -- each October, James posts an in-depth video analysis of an awesome horror flick every single day, and I look forward to it all year long. We're talking really great and fascinating stuff over here!

This year, it seems that James is focusing on classic monster movies, covering a bunch of old Frankenstein films in the past week. That's just fine, as I love Frankenstein, and seeing great art revisited by someone who appreciates it even more than I do always lifts my spirits and gives me a healthy motivation booster.

Check it out!


ANYway, I suppose I'd better do my part to pollute the web with horror reviews, as well. So, today, I have for you folks a movie that comes from the mysterious and exotic land of England. It's the heart-warming tale of a traditional family, just trying to get by together in this crazy modern world. I think we can all relate.

Mum & Dad (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1129428/


Netflix description:
After missing the last bus home, Polish immigrant Lena (Olga Fedori) accepts a ride with her cheerful co-worker Birdie (Ainsley Howard) -- only to find herself knocked unconscious and imprisoned by a deranged family of murderers in this twisted horror flick. Terrified and outnumbered, Lena must find a way to appease the demented clan -- or else suffer an agonizing death. Dido Miles and Perry Benson co-star as the sadistic heads of the household.


Mum & Dad is the charming story of Lena, a young, Polish immigrant to England who is taken in during her time of need by a middle class family that only wants to help out and make her feel loved.

...Of course, to THEM, "love" involves beatings and being hogtied to a furnace for days on end (with maybe the occasional whipping).

Yup, Mum & Dad is yet another torture porn flick, really about little more than a helpless pretty chick getting kidnapped and abused in a variety of horrible ways. Hey, we haven't seen anything like THIS before, now have we??? How original! How gripping!! How much PRAISE I have for this film!!!

Pfft. GOD, I am getting tired of all these torture pr0ns. Seriously, how many of these friggin' things are going to be crapped on us??? I mean, admittedly, the glut of, say, zombie movies that the horror industry created in recent years did become undeniably tedious after 4321456241 pictures or so, but at least zombies are FUN. You know -- a man can watch zombies kill people over and over and over again without it ever really bothering him because he knows, in a very conscious way, the whole time that they're just fictional monsters; but TORTURE PR0N??? -- It's a challenge in almost every case to be entertained. So, why are there suddenly so many? You'd THINK that only the most talented of filmmakers would explore this territory....


But, alas, that appears to not be the case, as some Tom, Dick, or Harry seems to pump out a torture pr0n movie every 14 seconds nowadays.

And Mum & Dad is just another one of them.


But, to give this thing a fair shake, let's quickly summarize its plot:

Lena the Polish refugee moves to London, gets a job at Heathrow Airport as a cleaning lady, and becomes friends with a spunky coworker named Birdie (who I found oddly cute for some reason). One night, when Lena misses her bus home, Birdie and her brother, Elbie, offer to let her stay over at their place. "Our parents won't mind," they assure her. "They're totally cool like that! Plus, our house is REAL cosy!!!"


So, Lena agrees to accompany Birdie and Elbie home, and GUESS WHAT??? -- Turns out their parents are absolute psychos who promptly restrain our heroine, beat the crap out of her, and lay down the law. "Basically," they tell her, "you're our new little girl. Now give Mum and Dad a big old kiss!"

Thus follows the standard learning period of such situations, as Lena gradually becomes accustomed to living in the prison that is Mum and Dad's house. She must obey them at all times; never talk back; and do all chores demanded of her...or else. Yeah, neither Mum nor Dad are ones to spare the rod, and I gotta give a little credit to our hapless Polish immigrant of a lead for coming to grips with that a bit faster than many other torture pr0n characters would.

...Or, DOES she???


Yeah, Lena has the smarts to put on the face of someone who simply accepts that she's now a prisoner FOREVAR; but behind that cool gaze, she's plotting her escape all of the time. For instance, at one point fairly early on, she tries to signal to a guy outside in the street that she needs help, but Dad catches her and quickly demonstrates for one and all how efficient he is in the art of murderization (killing the street guy). What a crazy, demented bastard he is!

Still, that don't matter in the end, as eventually, Lena outsmarts her captors by turning them against each other. See, Birdie, who was previously the LITTLE ANGEL of Mum and Dad who could do no wrong, has her trustworthiness thrown into question, as the gears in Lena's mind grind. After a little while of clever manipulation by our heroine, the family dynamic is sort of thrown on its head, making LENA the emotional puppet master, and she uses that to her advantage to make her ultimate escape. The end.


Look, the psychological games that take place between Lena, Birdie, and the parents make Mum & Dad SLIGHTLY more interesting than your average torture pr0n tripe, OK??? Also, I have to admit that this film IS very sleek-looking, with impressive visuals that add up to a very eery and claustrophobic atmosphere. The lighting in several scenes manages the difficult feat of being both ugly and beautiful at the same time, and there's no denying that this picture has a pretty talented and convincing cast. So, on a technical level, Mum & Dad is, at the end of the day, a cut above the rest in its genre. There. I said it.

HOWEVER, I would also like to point out that, when all is over and done with, there honestly isn't a whole lot TO SAY about this movie. I mean, sure -- it looks good and has one or two twists; but, fundamentally, it's just another kidnapped-girl-gets-abused story. Frankly, the only thing that REALLY grabbed me about Mum & Dad was the strong lower-middle class accent of all its characters. I don't know if it was Cockney (or whatever), but when someone talks like that, it always charms me. You English are hilarious!


Looking back, I am neither glad nor disappointed that I devoted 90 minutes of my life to Mum & Dad. It's a fairly ho-hum experience, just like most torture porns. I don't recommend reserving it for your Halloween night entertainment, but it's not a total waste of time, either.

Meh.

2 out of 5.

b.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Secrets Of The GOP Presidential Candidates

I'll admit it right now: I'm a junkie for politics....
And I don't even necessarily care all that much who wins, either. To me, it's all about the entertainment.


Politics is like a soap opera for people too intelligent to enjoy soap operas. I think the personalities are fascinating; the strategy that goes into a campaign offers endless possibilities for discussion; the motivation of the voters never fails to be a mystery....I love, love, LOVE the whole dang thing.

So, needless to say, the Republican race for the presidency right now is my own personal Hog Heaven. This is one interesting cast of characters, folks. I mean, sure -- almost none of them are electable (well, against the incredibly weak Barack Obama, I suppose a horse in a hoop skirt might actually stand a chance); but, STILL, I like 'em!

Each GOP candidate has his or her own interesting quirks. And get this -- I have personally employed my own journalistic powers of investigation to dig up their deepest, darkest secrets.

Yes, ALL political figures have something to hide, and I assure you, the dirt I've been able to find regarding each of these Republicans is 100 percent true. I spent hundreds of hours getting to the bottom of each candidate's past, and am very proud of what I've discovered.

So, without further ado, let's learn the GOP presidential hopefuls' most embarrassing personal stories.


Michele Bachmann:

She's actually an undercover liberal comedian who is faking her entire campaign and persona as part of an Andy Kaufman-like prank. Her plan??? -- To release a documentary when all is said and done, called How I Derped the Herps: The Michele Bachmann Tea Party Experience.

She's hoping to screen it at Sundance in 2013.

(Coming to an art house theater near you!)

Newt Gingrich:

Has a third nipple; suffers from a crippling fear of bread products; is addicted to snorting ibuprofen.



Rick Perry:

Is actually actor Eric Estrada, in a disguise and using an assumed name; doesn't quite know where any of this is going, and is frankly getting kind of scared of the whole fiasco.

(What Rick Perry might look like.)

Jon Huntsman:

Doesn't really want to be president; is only running because he was looking for an excuse to drive around New Hampshire during the fall.


Rick Santorum:

Dropped out of college to pursue a career as a roadie for Bachman Turner Overdrive; once ran over a street mime (on purpose); still collects Pogs.


Mitt Romney:

Once toured the semi-professional bare fisted fighting circuit with an orangutan sidekick; isn't sure which state he's from, and is too embarrassed to ask anyone.

(Mitt Romney and his sidekick, Clyde, circa 1982)


Ron Paul:

Isn't really a member of Congress. He told one little white lie about that in a single radio interview six years ago, and no reporters ever bothered to fact check it.


Herman Cain:

Was actually fired from his job as CEO of Godfathers Pizza, after the colossal failure of his "Net Pizza" idea -- a Netflix-like rental service that delivered pizzas to customers via the US Post Office.

(This damn near bankrupted the company.)

And finally....

Gary Johnson:

Has no idea what's going on at all right now, man. Seriously -- he is SO HIGH, it's crazy. Wow , dude. Pffft. Tee-hee. Running for PRESIDENT?!? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!'


So there you have it, folks -- the secrets about our GOP candidates that I've been able to uncover. As a professional and award-winning reporter, I can (once again) assure you that I've obtained this information through completely reliable sources. Read into it however you like.

I, for one, have decided to throw my support behind Huntsman, although I don't know why.


Whatever.

Hey, here's a zombie movie!

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1468757/


Netflix description:
After her sister is kidnapped by a bizarre cult, rock singer Skye Brannigan (Victoria Hopkins) sets out to find her. The members of freaky burlesque troupe Flesharama become involved in the hunt, and soon they're all attacked by a flock of gorgeous zombie women. Led by Satan and their insane creators, the Zander family, the zombies won't stop the carnage until their lust for blood and guts is fully satisfied in this gory horror flick.


So, Zombie Women of Satan is an extremely profane celebration of sex, violence, and gore, coming to us from our friends across the Atlantic, in the United Kingdom.

Yeah, this movie is REAL English....Or, now that I think about it, it may have actually been Scottish. Meh, I can't really tell, to be honest. Point is, it's ONE of those things, OK?

Anyway, Zombie Women of Satan is about a traveling burlesque group that finds itself trapped in a remote country compound owned by a mad scientist who experiments in the dark art of reanimating the dead (or, in this case, the near-dead). HIS name is Doctor Henry Zander, and for totally understandable reasons, he's solely interested in working on lingerie-clad young women.


As it happens, while our friends the burlesque group are visiting the good doctor's compound, his test subjects get loose, and thus ensues a battle for survival that includes more nudity, blood, and poop jokes than anything I've seen in at least five years.

Sounds GREAT, right???

Well...not really. I mean, Zombie Women of Satan COMES CLOSE to being a fun ride on multiple occasions, but its fatal flaw seems to be that every friggin' joke just drags on and on (and on) for far too long.

For example, one of our "heroes" is Pervo the Clown -- a sex-obsessed, leather pants and pasty-wearing member of said burlesque troupe. He spends 100 percent of his time in search of all things orgasmic, at one point even sneaking off into the woods to (ahem) "service himself" in the middle of a zombie assault. Well, sure -- that could be kind of funny; but the problem is that such antics from Pervo are repeated EVERY FIVE MINUTES. I mean, he doesn't just masturbate in that manner once, but TWICE...and his other jokes are all driven into the ground in a similar fashion. It gets old, and downright groan-inducing, pretty darn fast.

(What Pervo the Clown might look like.)

Same goes for just about everything else that Zombie Women of Satan brings to the table. It has, at its core, a fairly likable and chuckle-worthy soul; but the film just plain relies too heavily on the same handful of gags, over and over AND OVER again. Scenes that WOULD have been funny drag on for ten minutes, instead of two, making them difficult to endure. An unacceptably large amount of this experience is blatant filler.

And that's a shame, since I actually found myself wanting to give Zombie Women of Satan a pass by the time the end credits rolled. It's just so joyously scatological that, in spite of myself, I had to grin at several scenes, and the production values here are amazingly high, given what what we're dealing with. Seriously -- the picture itself looks damn good, and I marvel at the fact that the filmmakers were able to get so many naked women to be in this thing. How'd they pull THAT off? Who BANKROLLED this movie???

Look, if you're a fan of the walking dead (as we all know I am), then at least streaming Zombie Women of Satan might be worth your while, as it's far better than I could possibly have expected. However, fundamentally, this film is still pretty bad, even if it makes me sad to admit that.

Only watch if you're a zombie freak who's in the mood for something fun, yet extremely immature and lazily-written.

2 out of 5.

b.