The University Of Success

Sorry for yet another absence, folks....
But, you see, I've been very busy researching an important topic: online diploma mills.


Indeed -- a "diploma mill" is basically a fake college that will provide customers with a fake degree for a reasonable donation. Said degree can then be used to finagle one's way into a new job, assuming that his or her prospective employer is not too thorough in the whole "reference-checking" thing.


All one has to do is log into the diploma mill's website, enter some credit card info, and BLAMO -- he's a college graduate now! So simple, and much, much easier than going through all that HASSLE of diligently studying at a legitimate institution of higher learning for year after boring year just to become enlightened. Why waste your time and money on all of that???

My favorite diploma mill is Concordia College and University. It generated some attention several years ago, as there's apparently a REAL, accredited, institution somewhere in the United States that bears the name of Concordia College (--you see, without the "university" part in its name). Understandably, the legitimate Concordia was not happy to learn that some fly-by-night operation in the Virgin Islands with a very similar name was selling people unearned degrees, possibly with the intent of creating the impression that it WAS, in fact, the real Concordia College. I do believe I remember a lawsuit being filed over this (or something), but it apparently didn't go anywhere, as Concordia College and University is still operating proudly online.


Check it out: all you have to do is "declare" to the institution that you have "life experience" in a given field, and you're in. Now, I'll be the first to admit that actual experience trumps education almost every time, but it seems a bit strange to award someone a certificate of having earned both just because they claim to have the former. In fact, a cynic (which is not what I am) might even propose that it borders on outright fraud.

But, no -- Concordia College and University assures us that it's, like, TOTALLY ACCREDITED...somewhere, or something....

So, we can all agree they're totally legit, right??? You know, because they say so!


I've always found this to be hilarious. I mean, I would never actually try to GET A JOB with a Concordia degree -- that would be a bad idea, for obvious reasons (even if you got away with it, the scam would always be in the back of your mind, keeping you uneasy); BUT I still would actually like to buy one. You know -- just for kicks.

I mean, the site offers you the following authentic-looking documents and rates:

US$ 495.00 all-inclusive:

Associate in Science
Associate in Applied Science
Associate in Law
Associate in Social Work
Associate in Business Administration
Associate in Arts
Associate in Fine Arts
Associate in Theology

US$ 655.00 all-inclusive:

Bachelor of Science
Bachelor of Applied Science
Bachelor of Education
Bachelor of Social Work
Bachelor of Arts
Bachelor of Law
Bachelor of Fine Arts
Bachelor of Business Administration
Bachelor of Public Administration
Bachelor of Theology

US$ 755.00 all-inclusive:

Master of Science
Master of Applied Science
Master of Education
Master of Arts
Master of Social Work
Master of Fine Arts
Master of Business Administration (MBA)
Master of Public Administration (MPA)
Master of Law
Master of Divinity

US$ 955.00 all-inclusive:

Doctor of Philosophy (Research Doctorate, aka Ph.D./D.Phil.)
Doctor of Arts
Doctor of Science
Doctor of Applied Science
Doctor of Law
Doctor of Education
Doctor of Social Work
Doctor of Business Administration
Doctor of Public Administration
Doctor of Theology


And those are just EXAMPLES of the quality programs offered by Concordia College and University. Here's a full list of the available majors (again, taken directly from its site):

"Addictionology, Accounting, Administration of Justice, Adult Education, Advertising, Anthropology, Archeology, Art, Biblical Studies, Business Administration, Career Counseling, Communications, Comparative Religion, Computer Science, Criminal Justice, Drama, Early Childhood Education, Economics, Electrical Engineering, Elementary Education, Engineering, Film and Video Production, Finance, Foreign Policy, Geography, Health Service Management, History, Horticulture, Humanities, Human Relations, Indochinese Peninsula History, Industrial Management, Information Technology, Interior Design, International Business, International Finance, International Economics, International Relations, International Marketing, Law Enforcement, Logistics, Management, Marketing, Mechanical Engineering, Mammal Biology & Cetology, Ministry, Music, Nuclear Engineering, Nursing, Philosophy, Photojournalism, Political Science, Psychology, Public Administration, Real Estate Management, Sacred Music, Social Work, Sociology, Special Education, Surface Technology, Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, Telecommunications, Theocentric Counseling, Theocentric Ethics, Tourism...."

Notice the ellipsis at the end of that list. To me, that might imply that they offer even more majors than the ones listed.


Wow!

I TOTALLY wish I had, like, 27 million dollars just lying around, so I could utterly waste several thousands on PHDs from Concordia College and University. I would buy them in all available fields, with all available majors. Imagine if I had documents stating that I was, in fact, a doctor of Philosophy, French, Computer Theory, American History, Physics, Astronomy, Latin, Business, Law, Medicine, Monkey Torture, Basket Weaving, and Civil War Reenactment all in frames and hanging in my study. I would feel so accomplished!

And I'd actually insist that people call me "doctor," too. If anyone mistakenly addressed me as "Mister Green," I'd get all haughty and indignant about it, demanding that they show me and my credentials the proper respect.


That would be great.

...Which gives me my next fantastic idea: I'll just start MY OWN online diploma mill.

YEAH! That way, I won't even have to pay anyone; I can just print out a bunch of degrees on my home computer, and claim they're legit. You know -- cut out the middle man.

Oh, this idea is golden. I'll call it...The University of Success.


Yes, friends -- when you enroll in Drew Green's University of Success, you're guaranteed to receive a fully authentic, REALISTIC-looking, college degree printed on my own home computer, with one of them fancy leather-bound holder things and all of that other stuff they give you. Heck, I'll even throw in a couple of frames and mugs, or whatever.

Ever wanted to be a Bachelor of Science??? I can make it happen in less than five minutes!!!

Just send 347 dollars to my PayPal account right now, and you'll be on the fast track to a high quality career...thanks to The University of Success!


OK, now here's a film starring some potential graduates.

Trash Humpers (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1488163/


Netflix description:
Handheld cameras and a cinema vérité style underscore the odd blend of violence and tenderness that prevails in this shock fest, which follows a band of troublemakers on a witless rampage against objects animate and inanimate. Eschewing narrative structure for a style long on visual symbolism, filmmaker Harmony Korine uses his outsider characters to illuminate a variety of themes, including redemption.


Yeah I know. Trash Humpers. Sounds weird, right? That's because it is.

But, let's examine a little film history before we get into why....

See, once upon a time, there was a hot, young, indie filmmaker named Harmony Korine. He wrote a controversial and groundbreaking 1995 movie called Kids (directed by the notorious Larry Clarke), and received some buzz on the festival circuit a few years later with his directorial debut, the ultra-bizarre Gummo. It was a low-grade film, but it also showed some promise. Folks wondered -- could this crazy Harmony Korine chap end up being the next big indie darling?

--Well, no. That didn't quite happen. Instead, Harmony just got weirder.

His next major movie was Mr. Lonely, which is about a Michael Jackson impersonator who falls in love with a Marylin Monroe impersonator. Interesting, poignant, and somewhat heartwarming; it wasn't a bad film (now that I think back on it)...but it didn't exactly suggest that Harmony Korine intended to pursue mainstream success....

And now we have Trash Humpers.


Trash Humpers is a totally plotless, sort of concept movie shot on low-quality camcorders about a group of freakish friends who spend their days reveling in utter filth. These characters (who may, or may not, be wearing masks) can be seen having sex with dumpsters...rolling around naked in the mud...eating rotten ham with dish soap poured on it...breaking into abandoned homes and smashing everything up....You know, wholesome stuff.

Who they are, or what motivates them, isn't made totally clear, but I think I may have summed it up in the above paragraph: they just want to embrace dirtiness. While MOST of humanity avoids filth, these folks pursue it, and go to great lengths to be a part of it. They seek to be absolutely depraved; they appear to be searching for some kind of fulfillment in doing that which is NOT normal.


I THINK I understood the film...but that doesn't mean I enjoyed it.

See, as mentioned, Trash Humpers has no actual plot, really. It's fundamentally just a bunch of random VHS-looking footage of these weirdos engaging in a variety of disgusting mayhem. There's no distinguishable character arcs or story development; the dialogue is apparently improvised; narrative is extremely subtle....This is pretty much 80 minutes of unwatchably grainy footage of some messed up individuals doing things that, frankly, ought to get them placed into the custody of the authorities.

So, yeah -- I'm down with the artistic, experimental concept and all that jazz, but can't say that Trash Humpers is actually a positive viewing experience. You only watch something like this and pretend to admire it when you're out to impress somebody in art class. Otherwise, the motion picture is just a bunch of weird crap. And, hey -- I usually LIKE weird crap. I DO!

...But this here is unpleasant weird crap.

It's like my friend's dad used to say of us kids when we were going through our rebellious teenager phase: "You guys are nothing but a bunch of freaks trying to be different."

That sums up this experiment.

2 out of 5.

b.