My Time As A Casey Anthony Juror

I know it's kind of old news at this point, but I thought I'd use this post to tell you all about MY experiences with the Casey Anthony trial....
Yeah, Casey Anthony. Her saga dominated the news media for a while there (you know, before the utter incompetence of the United States Congress became the big story). For those of you folks who aren't up to speed, here's a quick reminder:


22 year old Casey Anthony rose to national fame when her two year old daughter went missing back in 2008. It was a big mystery -- WHERE was Little Caley???

WELL, as it turns out, Little Caley was...you know...um, dead. Indeed, tragically, the girl's body was discovered, after a couple months of searching, not far from her home in Orlando, Florida. She had been murdered.

But, BY WHOM???


Yeah, it seems the ENTIRE WORLD got this crazy notion that Caley's mother, Casey, had been the culprit. Something to do with the fact that there was a ton of evidence to support the idea, and that Casey didn't bother to report her daughter missing for, like, a month after her supposed "disappearance."

Oh, and there was also that whole general consensus that Casey Anthony is kind of a sociopathic, compulsive liar and all.


So, Casey went on trial for murder in a media spectacle that rivaled even the OJ Simpson case. It seemed like a no-brainer; the deal was a slam dunk: Casey Anthony WAS GOING TO BE CONVICTED of killing her daughter.

...Right???

Well, not really. Actually, on July fifth of this year, Casey was acquitted in a verdict that shocked pretty much the entire country. The outrage that followed was intense -- people threatened to hunt her down and carry out vigilante justice themselves; Nancy Grace absolutely flipped her lid live on TV; the jurors who released Casey were harassed....It was pretty bad for those folks, man.

And I should know. I was one of them.


Yes, friends, now that the smoke has cleared, I think it's time for me to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, about my experience as a Casey Anthony juror.

I kept a detailed log of the entire journey (from pre-trial all the way to verdict), and perhaps the story would best be conveyed by simply posting excerpts from that. It's important for the world to know how things really went down, and I am committed to setting the record straight. So, without further ado, here are some entries from my Casey Anthony Diary.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY ONE....

May 19th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Hot damn, have I got a great idea!

Listen -- I heard about this crazy murder trial happening down in Florida that is PROBABLY going to involve sequestering some sort of super celebrity jury of 12 lucky men and women for, like, MONTHS ON END. The case has something to do with a psycho woman who killed her kids, or something. I dunno.

Anyway, the point is that the JURY in this thing is going to get one hell of a sweet deal. I mean, think about it: free food, free luxury hotel stay, free transportation, FREE booze (I would hope), lucrative book deals once the trial is over....This Casey Anthony (that's the chick's name) situation is going to be one hot ticket!

Definitely the sort of affair that's right up my alley, anyway.

So that's why I hightailed it down to Florida a couple weeks ago, got a fake ID, and immediately bribed a court clerk into placing my assumed name ("Raul Alfredo Gomez") into the jury pool. Selection's been going on all week, and BOY did I pull a number over on that judge today! He let the lawyers question me for about an hour regarding my qualifications to sit on the panel, and I TOTALLY had them going -- hook, line, and sinker (heh heh). Told 'em I had no prejudice about anyone involved in this case, and that, in fact, I had never even HEARD of it. They seemed really impressed. Suckers.

Anyway, that's why I started YOU, Diary! I want to keep a record of my experiences being a juror, as I'm feeling pretty confident they're gonna pick me. Hopefully, they will....

I'll keep you posted!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THREE....

May 21st, 2011

Dear Diary,

YES!!!

I found out today that I've been selected for the Casey Anthony jury. THIS IS AWESOME!!!

I've been doing a ton of internet research on the case, and have concluded that this woman is guilty as can be. Ought to be a real slam dunk of a trial. I think I'll sneak my Gameboy in there and just zone out during the testimony, and then try to drag out the deliberations as much as possible to prolong my little "vacation." :)

Oh man, is this ever going to be fun. Not only will I get to send a crazy, murderous freak to prison, but I'll also get to stay in a hotel for FREE, and maybe even be on TV!!!


Well, gotta go, Diary. I have to pack for my awesome (once again) FREE stay at a hotel.

Peace out!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY SEVEN....

May 25th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, here I am in my new digs at the Orlando, Florida Holiday Inn Express and, BOY, is this place swanky! It's WAAAAY nicer than the old, abandoned Motel Six that I was staying at over by the garbage dump. The Holiday Inn folks gave me a bunch of neat stuff, like towels, mouthwash, shaving cream, and even a QUEEN SIZED bed!!!

A few things about being sequestered DO, admittedly, suck, though.. For instance, the dumbass judge told us jurors that we can't have internet access or watch TV while we're in here. Can you believe that??? He said some crap about us not seeing media coverage of the trial or some such nonsense (pfffft). I asked him if I could AT LEAST order adult movies on Pay Per View, and he just looked at me for a minute before saying No. What a friggin' jerk this guy is turning out to be. I can tell already that we're not going to get along well.

But, on the bright side, my room's only on the second floor, which means I can sneak out if I jump down on to the roof a car parked below and suffer only minimal injuries. I've already done it twice -- both times to hit up the local bar scene. I impressed lots of women by telling them that I was on the Casey Anthony jury, and promising to "make sure the bitch fries." Some of them even bought me drinks!

As for the actual COURT PROCEEDINGS -- they're pretty darn boring, to be honest. I mostly just doodle. The judge caught me playing Sonic Advance 2 on my Gameboy Micro the other morning, and got REAL mad. Since he took it away, I've been forced to rely on my daydreams to get through the days. Not sure what the attorneys are talking about up there in their presentations, really. It's all Greek to me!

OH, by the way, here's something strange: Casey Anthony and I have been exchanging glances lately. I KNOW -- WEIRD, right???


I'll keep you posted on what happens with that.

Over and out.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY FOURTEEN....

June 1st, 2011

Dear Diary,

Long time, no write!

I guess that's because I've been too busy living it up here, in the lap of luxury, at the Orlando Holiday Inn (once again), FREE of charge!

I'm still sneaking out to hit the bars every night, and GUESS WHAT -- some lady gave me one of them little notebook computers with a wi-fi card so I could get internet back in my room. I snuck it in the other night, and in addition to downloading TONS of pr0n (hey, I'm a lonely man, OK?), I've been keeping online friends up to date on all the intimate details of the trial. Real behind-the-scenes stuff, you know?

However, that's not why I'm writing to you today. No sir, I've got to tell you about something EXTRAORDINARY that's happened:

Yesterday, as they were leading Casey into the courtroom, she walked past me and quickly dropped a note on to the floor in front of me. Here it is:


Hmmm. Not sure what to make of this.

...Although, I must admit, that she's looking a lot more "not guilty" to me lately, if you catch my drift. Heh heh.

OK, talk to ya later, Diary!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY TWENTY THREE....

June 24th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Man, this being a juror business is proving to be more trouble than I thought it would be.

The STUPID JERK judge figured out that I've been sneaking out of my hotel room at night, and threatened to declare the whole thing a mistrial if I don't shape up. That's got the other jurors all mad at me. They keep giving me dirty looks, and every time I doze off during testimony, one of them slaps the back of my head. Ouch!

And another problem I've been experiencing: I keep forgetting that my name here is SUPPOSED to be Raul, and not Andrew (remember the fake ID I got???). The others are starting to get suspicious of me because every time one of them says my "name", I don't react. Darnit. I've got to remember: Raul, Raul, RAUL....

Oh, and regarding the old love life -- Casey Anthony and I continue to exchange meaningful glances during trial (sometimes, she'll even lick her lips at me when no one is looking, which I really enjoy). I must confess that I'm finding myself a bit smitten with the girl. Hey, maybe she's not so bad, after all.


Anyway, gotta go. Have a good one, Diary!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY ONE....

July 1st, 2011

Dear Diary,

Oh, God.

Things are getting complicated.

I'll cut right to the chase: I am now convinced that Casey is in love with me, and I...I love her, too. There -- I said it. I just can't help myself!

And she dropped me this note yesterday:


Spelling error aside, I was overcome with joy to read this heartfelt message from my sweet, DEAR Casey Anthony.

It's affecting my view of the case. I tell, you she's being railroaded through the court system, man! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! This is all prosecutor BS, and I believe Casey to be innocent. She's been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and FRAMED by a system that just wants to BRING HER DOWN!!!

There is no way I will let this injustice continue.

(And also your front, if you know what I mean....)

Oh, and have I mentioned to you that I'm getting REEEEALY tired of being a juror??? Yes, I've learned that this whole racket isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance, the lack of cigarettes and booze is starting to make me feel positively crazy, and THAT JERK JUDGE is wearing on me worse than ever. I swear, he and the other jurors are out to get me.

Like, take what happened just yesterday, as we were ordering pizza for lunch. When I said that I wanted mushrooms on at least one of the pies, the others all disagreed with me, saying that they HATE mushrooms. And do you know what THE JUDGE did??? He said he was "overruling" me, and just ordered plain pepperoni pizzas for all of us. And to add insult to injury, everyone laughed at his little "joke"!!!

God, I hate that bastard.

Anyway, talk to you later.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY SIX....

July 4th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, it's all over and done with -- the testimony in this dumb trial has ended, and I'm arguing with the other jurors about what verdict we should hand down.

They're all TOTALLY CONVINCED that Casey Anthony killed her daughter, so I've had a pretty steep hill to climb here. I keep telling them that it's not THEIR place to judge how a mother whose daughter has just gone missing should behave; I keep insisting that there's no REAL evidence!!!

SO WHAT if Casey went out partying and having promiscuous sex after Caley disappeared?

WHO CARES if she stole her friend's checking information to make lingerie purchases at Target with it??

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL if she falsely implicated a random Hispanic woman as being a nanny who kidnapped the little girl???


After much fighting, I've got the MEN on the jury all willing to acquit Casey, but the women jurors are another story. I guess that, as females, they're just too horrified by the very POSSIBILITY that a mother could do something like this.

Pfft. Women. Am I right here, Diary???

Anyway, my plan is to tell them that if they don't vote Not Guilty, we'll all have to sit through a totally new trial. I'm pretty sure that the court would actually use a different jury, but with any luck, I can convince these chicks otherwise. Hey, how would THEY know?

Wish me luck!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY SEVEN....

July 5th, 2011

Dear Diary,

SUCCESS!!!

I convinced ALL of the other jurors to change their votes, and now the verdict has been handed down. CASEY ANTHONY IS TO GO FREE!!!

I am so proud to have done my civic duty with integrity and distinction. Am I a great guy, or what???

Anyway, I've already been in contact with Casey, and she's to come live with me as soon as they release her from the jail. Can you believe that??? Dreams really CAN come true!



So, Diary....I guess this concludes our little friendship. There's nothing left to tell. I have done my job, and I have done it nobly.

I'll miss you, Diary.

Signing off,

Your Pal,

Andrew Green (AKA Raul Alfredo Gomez).


Ahem.

OK, friends here at Who Wants Taters. There you have it: the 100 percent TRUE story of my experience as a Casey Anthony juror, taken straight from my diary of the ordeal.

But, in case you're wondering what's happened since then, here's a quick rundown:

Casey DID come to live with me, and things are going...OK, I guess.

I mean, she made short work of maxing out all of my credit cards, and seems to enjoy partying at the local clubs more than she enjoys spending quality time with me...but, really, I can't blame her. Hey, considering all the trauma that she's been through, I suppose it's understandable that she'd want to cut loose a little.


Sometimes, I wake up to find that Casey has been staring at me as I sleep, which I admit can feel a little creepy. I mean, heck -- she's usually holding a knife when she does it, for God's sake! Sure, sure -- there's probably a reasonable explanation for such behavior, but I DO wonder....

Oh, and a look at my browser history also tells me that she's been Googling chloroform again, as well as "proper techniques for breaking a man's neck as he sleeps." When I asked her about those matters, she launched into some complex story about an Asian maid or something. I dunno; it didn't even make sense, so I let it go.

OK, OK -- so maybe I'll admit that I'm kind of...you know...a little scared.

But, hey, at least justice has been served, right?


Erm, in any event, here's a quick review of a film that Casey, for one, REALLY seemed to enjoy. A lot.

...Maybe even a little too much, if you ask me.

Senseless (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795463/


Netflix description:
Ambitious young businessman Elliott Gast (Jason Behr) is violently knocked off the corporate ladder when he's kidnapped by political terrorists, who torture him for crimes he unknowingly committed. What's worse, his torment is being streamed live online. An unwilling contestant in a sadistic reality show, Elliott fights for survival, hoping that someone in the home audience will come to his aid in this tense, probing thriller.


So, Senseless is one of them "torture porn" movies that has become so popular lately. You know -- a film about someone being horrifically battered, bashed, and sliced, without much beyond that in the plot department.

Usually, I resent such motion pictures, believing them to be cheap. I mean, how many Hostel and Saw rip-offs does the world really need???

STILL, Senseless is among the better entries to this genre. It's about a businessman who gets kidnapped by a group of radical Eastern Europeans, angry that the American corporate class has decimated their own country's chances at economic success.

And here's the clincher: Over the course of a several-week confinement, these terrorists torture the dude by removing body parts needed for the major senses. For instance, first they cut off the tips of his fingers (touch); then, they cut off part of his tongue (taste)....Later, of course, comes severe damage to his nose (smell), ears (hearing), and finally, his eyes (sight). WILL he escape these madmen before they take every last sense he has???

(Senseless, 2008. Not to be confused with this steaming pile of crap from 1995.)

Look, I only enjoyed this movie because it was fairly well made, and yes, it does have a bit of an intriguing political message.

See, Senseless actually manages to create a genuine atmosphere of suspense by making us wonder if our hero will somehow walk out of his prison with so much as one eye left. Sure, he may be a corporate looter, but even I would feel bad for him if the terrorists managed to totally complete their torture mission.

And there's the whole global economics thing -- I, for one, am NOT a fan of things like free trade at all, so I KIND OF could MAYBE sympathize with our villains a little here....

Really, Senseless is a pretty high-grade torture porn film. If you're in the market for this sort of thing, you could do a lot worse.

3 out of 5.

PS -- I'll be back soon with yet another torture movie -- perhaps even the most disturbing piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. So, THERE'S something for you to look forward to!

Peace.

b.