Sunday, September 25, 2011

Secrets Of The GOP Presidential Candidates

I'll admit it right now: I'm a junkie for politics....
And I don't even necessarily care all that much who wins, either. To me, it's all about the entertainment.

Politics is like a soap opera for people too intelligent to enjoy soap operas. I think the personalities are fascinating; the strategy that goes into a campaign offers endless possibilities for discussion; the motivation of the voters never fails to be a mystery....I love, love, LOVE the whole dang thing.

So, needless to say, the Republican race for the presidency right now is my own personal Hog Heaven. This is one interesting cast of characters, folks. I mean, sure -- almost none of them are electable (well, against the incredibly weak Barack Obama, I suppose a horse in a hoop skirt might actually stand a chance); but, STILL, I like 'em!

Each GOP candidate has his or her own interesting quirks. And get this -- I have personally employed my own journalistic powers of investigation to dig up their deepest, darkest secrets.

Yes, ALL political figures have something to hide, and I assure you, the dirt I've been able to find regarding each of these Republicans is 100 percent true. I spent hundreds of hours getting to the bottom of each candidate's past, and am very proud of what I've discovered.

So, without further ado, let's learn the GOP presidential hopefuls' most embarrassing personal stories.

Michele Bachmann:

She's actually an undercover liberal comedian who is faking her entire campaign and persona as part of an Andy Kaufman-like prank. Her plan??? -- To release a documentary when all is said and done, called How I Derped the Herps: The Michele Bachmann Tea Party Experience.

She's hoping to screen it at Sundance in 2013.

(Coming to an art house theater near you!)

Newt Gingrich:

Has a third nipple; suffers from a crippling fear of bread products; is addicted to snorting ibuprofen.

Rick Perry:

Is actually actor Eric Estrada, in a disguise and using an assumed name; doesn't quite know where any of this is going, and is frankly getting kind of scared of the whole fiasco.

(What Rick Perry might look like.)

Jon Huntsman:

Doesn't really want to be president; is only running because he was looking for an excuse to drive around New Hampshire during the fall.

Rick Santorum:

Dropped out of college to pursue a career as a roadie for Bachman Turner Overdrive; once ran over a street mime (on purpose); still collects Pogs.

Mitt Romney:

Once toured the semi-professional bare fisted fighting circuit with an orangutan sidekick; isn't sure which state he's from, and is too embarrassed to ask anyone.

(Mitt Romney and his sidekick, Clyde, circa 1982)

Ron Paul:

Isn't really a member of Congress. He told one little white lie about that in a single radio interview six years ago, and no reporters ever bothered to fact check it.

Herman Cain:

Was actually fired from his job as CEO of Godfathers Pizza, after the colossal failure of his "Net Pizza" idea -- a Netflix-like rental service that delivered pizzas to customers via the US Post Office.

(This damn near bankrupted the company.)

And finally....

Gary Johnson:

Has no idea what's going on at all right now, man. Seriously -- he is SO HIGH, it's crazy. Wow , dude. Pffft. Tee-hee. Running for PRESIDENT?!? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!'

So there you have it, folks -- the secrets about our GOP candidates that I've been able to uncover. As a professional and award-winning reporter, I can (once again) assure you that I've obtained this information through completely reliable sources. Read into it however you like.

I, for one, have decided to throw my support behind Huntsman, although I don't know why.


Hey, here's a zombie movie!

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

Netflix description:
After her sister is kidnapped by a bizarre cult, rock singer Skye Brannigan (Victoria Hopkins) sets out to find her. The members of freaky burlesque troupe Flesharama become involved in the hunt, and soon they're all attacked by a flock of gorgeous zombie women. Led by Satan and their insane creators, the Zander family, the zombies won't stop the carnage until their lust for blood and guts is fully satisfied in this gory horror flick.

So, Zombie Women of Satan is an extremely profane celebration of sex, violence, and gore, coming to us from our friends across the Atlantic, in the United Kingdom.

Yeah, this movie is REAL English....Or, now that I think about it, it may have actually been Scottish. Meh, I can't really tell, to be honest. Point is, it's ONE of those things, OK?

Anyway, Zombie Women of Satan is about a traveling burlesque group that finds itself trapped in a remote country compound owned by a mad scientist who experiments in the dark art of reanimating the dead (or, in this case, the near-dead). HIS name is Doctor Henry Zander, and for totally understandable reasons, he's solely interested in working on lingerie-clad young women.

As it happens, while our friends the burlesque group are visiting the good doctor's compound, his test subjects get loose, and thus ensues a battle for survival that includes more nudity, blood, and poop jokes than anything I've seen in at least five years.

Sounds GREAT, right???

Well...not really. I mean, Zombie Women of Satan COMES CLOSE to being a fun ride on multiple occasions, but its fatal flaw seems to be that every friggin' joke just drags on and on (and on) for far too long.

For example, one of our "heroes" is Pervo the Clown -- a sex-obsessed, leather pants and pasty-wearing member of said burlesque troupe. He spends 100 percent of his time in search of all things orgasmic, at one point even sneaking off into the woods to (ahem) "service himself" in the middle of a zombie assault. Well, sure -- that could be kind of funny; but the problem is that such antics from Pervo are repeated EVERY FIVE MINUTES. I mean, he doesn't just masturbate in that manner once, but TWICE...and his other jokes are all driven into the ground in a similar fashion. It gets old, and downright groan-inducing, pretty darn fast.

(What Pervo the Clown might look like.)

Same goes for just about everything else that Zombie Women of Satan brings to the table. It has, at its core, a fairly likable and chuckle-worthy soul; but the film just plain relies too heavily on the same handful of gags, over and over AND OVER again. Scenes that WOULD have been funny drag on for ten minutes, instead of two, making them difficult to endure. An unacceptably large amount of this experience is blatant filler.

And that's a shame, since I actually found myself wanting to give Zombie Women of Satan a pass by the time the end credits rolled. It's just so joyously scatological that, in spite of myself, I had to grin at several scenes, and the production values here are amazingly high, given what what we're dealing with. Seriously -- the picture itself looks damn good, and I marvel at the fact that the filmmakers were able to get so many naked women to be in this thing. How'd they pull THAT off? Who BANKROLLED this movie???

Look, if you're a fan of the walking dead (as we all know I am), then at least streaming Zombie Women of Satan might be worth your while, as it's far better than I could possibly have expected. However, fundamentally, this film is still pretty bad, even if it makes me sad to admit that.

Only watch if you're a zombie freak who's in the mood for something fun, yet extremely immature and lazily-written.

2 out of 5.



  1. Are you quite sure that none of these candidates are closet zombies? Your choice of which movie to review in conjunction with your exposé is suspicious and surely not simply coincidental.

  2. At one point, I suspected that Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman may have been zombies. Turns out, they're just Mormons.

  3. Michele Bachmann ate that corndog in one bite, BTW HUBBA HUBBA

  4. Not being insulting or anything, but I was under the impression that the U.S. Presidency went to the highest bidder? Even Mark Twain satirized it in "The Gilded Age".

    Anyway, I sure hope you guys get some effective government soon. God knows you need it. Don't we all. In the meantime, you just have to smile about it. After all the antics are enough to make a cat laugh.

  5. why don't those Zombie women of Satan take part in the elections? They couldn't be any worse than Bush or Obama ... zombies kill people just like those two do or did ...

  6. Dave -- Uh huh huh huh huh. She SURE did, buddy. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Say no more....

    Ali -- You are right. It's really a shame that our nation is so lacking in leadership at a such a critical moment in its history.

    Dezmond -- Yeah, but at least zombies have the courage to do the killing THEMSELVES. Presidents just order other people to do it.

  7. Republicans and Zombies, sounds like a storefront church choir to me. Love your secret exposes on the leading candidates. Especially that photo of Bachmann. Brilliant!

  8. Andrew...I am flippin' dying laughing at this post! I LOVE IT!! I have laughed so hard I have tears running down my face! Great post my friend!!


  9. Your photos made me giggle! I enjoy politics, too. And now I want a hot dog...

  10. Melissa -- That photo of Bachman should have been used as the Time Magazine cover.

    Lulu -- Why, thank you!

    Talli -- Actually, I'm more in the mood for a corndog.

  11. Thanks for your sincere support! BTW, I NEED MONEY!!!!!! Please donate!!!!

    Jon Huntsman

  12. Thanks to you I now know who I'm voting for! Great post, man. Between politics and a zombie film, I'd rather put my interest in the english/scottish zombie film. Though I have to admit, How I Derped the Herps does sound like a fun flick. It must be bad if naked women can't get the rating above a 2 out of 5.

  13. Jack P -- Hey, thanks!

    By the way, no one has explained to me yet what the hell Pogs were supposed to be....

  14. I liked all the jokes about the candidates, except the Ron Paul one. But, i'm a rabit Paul supporter, so no joking about him will ever be funny to me.

  15. You're too young to remember pogs.

    Back in the days before you were getting off my lawn, milk was sold in glass bottles which were delivered right to one's door by deliverymen who drove special milk-transportation trucks. The glass bottles were sealed with paper caps, and to keep the paper caps secure, each cap was fitted with a small cardboard disk the diameter of the mouth of the bottle. The paper cap went on, the cardboard disk was pressed into the mouth of the bottle, and this sealed the milk bottle.\

    It was the custom, in those pre-Pokemon-card days, for children to collect the various styles of cardboard disks. Each dairy had their own designs and most had special designs for each product as well as generic, advertising designs with cool graphics and slogans like, "Hey, Drink Milk!" and whatnot.

    Time passed and milk packaging changed and soon these milk caps were no longer common or even in production. But someone came up with the idea of printing colorful designs, slogans, logos and such on milk cap-sized cardboard disks, name them "Pogs," and encourage children once again to collect them. And so a brief fad was formed.

  16. Who even care about your zombie movie stuff Andrew when you write so entertainingly well of the zombie apopaclypse that is the G.O.P. (full disclosure: I'm a huge RON PAUL supporter-- but hey, when you're funny ya got play the cards). You are funny Andrew. I think there's enough material here for many more posts in the months ahead. Pogs, street mimes, dope, corndogs, netflix should run for President..I'd vote for you.

  17. That corn dog photo is just awful. I feel sorry for her on that one. No one (male or female) should ever be photographed while trying to eat a corn dog. :)

  18. Don't know about that zombie movie, but I agree that the political campaigns can be immensely entertaining. I don't have a horse in this race yet, but there seems to be plenty of horseshit being slung for all of us to enjoy.

    Think I'll go fix some corndogs for lunch.

    Tossing It Out

  19. I have never been into politics, just goes right over my head. Zombie Women of Satan??? DAMN! That movie sounds hot! I would so date Pervo the Clown. ;)

  20. Hm, I always knew Eric Estrada was suspicious. It's only people who have something to hide who take off their shirts that often.

  21. Pope -- Sorry, but here, even Ron Paul gets nailed!

    Dave -- Thanks for sorting out that mystery. For once, it makes sense (kinda).

    Rogue -- Tell me about it. I can't imagine running out of material in the coming months.

    Mariah -- That photo should be on the cover of every magazine. It's hilarious!

    Lee -- I think you just about sum it all up there.

    Jenny -- Yeah, can tell Pervo is a real ladies man. Heh heh.

    Megan -- I'm glad to see someone thinks like me.