Who Wants Taters???

Underrated: The Blair Witch Project

2011-10-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

You know, in the years since it came out, The Blair Witch Project has been the subject of a rather strong backlash....

See, back in 1999, it was friggin' HUGE there for a couple of months, despite its humble origins. Largely due to clever viral marketing and strong word of mouth, The Blair Witch Project surprisingly turned into a runaway hit, and the studio behind its distribution did everything in its power to milk that cash cow for every penny possible until it was utterly spent.

(And it succeeded.)

However, by the time the release had finished making, oh, about 1441321874656143045783 billion dollars, people turned on it. In most circles nowadays, I see The Blair Witch Project, at the very least, dismissed, and at the very worst, blasted without mercy...sometimes with what comes across as downright malice. The detractors say that it had no plot; they say its actors were bad and characters obnoxious; they insist that the film is boring, repetitive, and even responsible for motion sickness....You know -- they basically can't STAND the friggin' thing.

And, honestly, I can't, per se, argue with many of their points. After all, The Blair Witch Project is no doubt an unusual specimen -- more of an experiment than a conventional motion picture, really. From its almost total lack of pre-written dialogue, to its decidedly amateurish style of camerawork, this movie abandons most conventions of "normal" filmmaking. It is intrinsically different, bravely throwing out of the window just about everything that we think a movie should be from the get-go. It's to be expected that such a gamble simply won't click with many viewers, and some folks will even be so annoyed as to suggest that the result is not a "real movie."

Well, technically, I'll concede that such critics may, on the surface, have a point. The Blair Witch Project doesn't come across like (and wasn't made like) nearly any other movie one could find, and few parts of the standard skillset to make a motion picture ever come into play with it. Yet, that's precisely why I consider the whole thing such a remarkable triumph of creativity.

(Yeah. They creeped people out with a bunch of sticks. --Hell of a lot harder to do than it is with vampire fangs or buckets of zombie blood. So...you know...deal with it.)

Look, you can talk until you're blue in the face about how The Blair Witch Project is a cheap piece of crap, but at the end of the day, nothing is going to change the fact that, during the magical summer of 1999, millions of people saw this movie, and a good portion of them (in the beginning, anyway) ACTUALLY BELIEVED that it was for real. Try to deny this assertion 500 million times if you wish, but I know that you are wrong because...well...I REMEMBER what went down.

It was a juggernaut, and never before had I witnessed an independent motion picture of its ilk create a phenomenon quite like that. HOW did such a cheap-as-heck, micro-budget little flick along these strange lines get anywhere at all?

Well, I'll tell you why: because it was an ingenious concept that just happened to find a core crew of incredibly talented individuals who were uniquely capable of making it all work in JUUUST the right, very specific, and ONLY way that it could have.

Listen: even once the film had received a wide theatrical release and the truth about it was well-documented, lots and lots of viewers still had the pants scared straight off of them by experience, convinced that the college kids depicted therein HAD to be dead. Hell, it took an appearance on the friggin' Jay Leno Show by those three actors to conclusively shut down such speculation...and the fact that any movie could so deftly dupe the supposedly media-savvy modern American public really boggled my mind at the time. Looking back, I'll admit that such baffling hype was ultimately what made me finally decide to go check the dang movie out for myself.

And, when I saw The Blair Witch Project for the first time, it was at a major chain movie theater, AFTER the film had achieved its massive mainstream success. The Blair Witch Project was still at the height of its fame, hovering in the number one position at the box office for what seemed like an eternity, having been fully vetted by the media. When I walked into that theater, I KNEW that it was fake, and I KNEW exactly how the story was going to play out, OK??? I KNEW that it was not real when I saw it. I can't stress this enough.

Yet, that did not stop me from basically having a panic attack right there in the theater. I mean, I had already been told by friends exactly what was going to happen in the film, but nothing they'd said had actually prepared me. The Blair Witch Project scared the hell out of me in a very deep and new kind of way, blowing my mind in the process. In particular, I remember that, no matter how many times I saw it, there was always a certain point towards the end (when our heroes are entering the abandoned house) that caused my heart to start racing, thumping harder and harder, as I desperately fought off dizziness and prayed to God that I wouldn't totally lose it and make a public scene. No movie had ever done anything like that to me before, and it was both frightening and exhilarating. I certainly knew better, but that didn't make any difference; it was like a challenge for me to make it through this particular experience.

(Thump...thump...THUMP!)

And I treated it like one. This may sound weird, but I wanted to "beat" The Blair Witch Project by getting all the way through it without being stricken with that sudden burst of straight-out panic. It was like I needed to prove something to myself, and I ended up seeing the film a grand total of eleven times that summer. It still occupies the top spot on my coveted list of Movies That Drew Saw In A Theater The Most Times.

So, more than ten years after its release, I decided to pick up a DVD of The Blair Witch Project to give it another look, and I'm devoting my super special Halloween post to it.

Enjoy!

The Blair Witch Project (1999)
hhttp://www.imdb.com/title/tt0185937/

Netflix description:
Brash student filmmakers Heather (Heather Donahue), Josh (Joshua Leonard) and Mike (Michael Williams) march into the woods near Burkittsville, Md., to make a documentary about the legendary Blair Witch, who's credited with a string of heinous murders dating back 200 years. But the trio loses their way and soon find themselves surrounded by a malignant terror. This shot-on-a-shoestring-budget indie sensation earned instant cult status.

In case you live under a rock, here's the concept of The Blair Witch Project: Three student filmmakers disappear into the woods near a small town while making a documentary about a local ghost legend. They are never seen again, but a year later, their footage is found. Their footage IS the movie. Got it?

Much (in fact, most) of The Blair Witch Project is actually VHS-grade camcorder material, shot by our main heroine, Heather (Heather Donahue). She's excited about getting to direct her first student film, and wants to document the experience with these little "behind-the-scenes" video diaries. Also, since she's the one holding the camera and doing most of the talking, we get to know her best. Heather's a little bit bossy, but by no means a bitch (at least, in my opinion). She isn't afraid to party, seems fairly intelligent, and jokes around with the other guys. Frankly, I always admired her.

And speaking of the other two guys -- there's Mike (Michael Williams), and Josh (Joshua Leonard). Mike is their sound guy, and a bit of a fraidy cat, while Josh is the camera operator (that is, of the "REAL" camera intended for the documentary the trio is shooting), and comes across as a simple stoner. Get used to these kids, as they're the ONLY people we hear from for 75 percent of the movie. Once they hike out into the woods to visit some sites relevant to their documentary, it's all them, man!

But first, the kids interview people around the tiny Maryland town of Burkitssville (formerly Blair) about the legend of the Blair Witch for us to get some backstory. See, it seems that there are long-running rumors about the woods surrounding the community being haunted, and everyone in town knows at least a little something about this myth. Folks over the years have described strange noises, creepy visions, and a variety of difficult-to-explain events having occurred out in this vast woodland, even if few of the stories have any credibility. Heather, as part of her documentary, relates to us a couple of incidents involving bizarre murders to have taken place near Burkittsville which some suspect were related to the alleged haunting of the area -- for example, the case of a man who killed eight children in his cabin back in the 50s, claiming that the Blair Witch made him do it. It's extremely important to pay attention to these scenes, as the information they provide will explain just about everything that transpires later.

So, yeah -- Heather, Mike, and Josh head out into the wilderness, planning to be out there for no more than a couple of days, TOPS. They've got a map of the area, and instructions on how to reach their destinations. In and out, baby. A real piece of cake!

Right?

(...Right???)

Nah. Actually, things go awry for these kids pretty quick. In the beginning, the trio simply gets a little lost...but as their journey takes them deeper into the woods, stranger and stranger things happen. They hear the sounds of trees being knocked over in the middle of the night; they come across bundles of sticks arranged to look like murder victims lying around; they eventually get attacked one early morning by forces unseen....The gang is soon desperate to get out of that forest, and as fast as possible.

But they CAN'T.

See, after having walked ALL day in one direction along the side of a creek at one point, our heroes wind up back at the EXACT SAME SPOT where they started. It becomes obvious at this juncture that something far worse than mere harassment by creative rednecks is going on.

This is where the true paranoia begins, and really, the true FEAR. See, The Blair Witch Project relies entirely on an emotion that few movies are able to properly convey: the fear of things we cannot see. Heather, Mike, and Josh don't actually SEE their tormentors until, really, the moment of their death...and we the audience never see their tormentors at all. These three are just running around lost in the woods, terrified of what will happen next because they don't even necessarily know what's after them. It's like when you're a kid and afraid of the dark -- you haven't seen anything, you haven't actually heard anything, and you can't really even define what it is that's so terrifying to you....You just know it's there, and THAT is all you need to be kept awake all friggin' night.

Yes, as an audience, we never get to view the source of the horror in The Blair Witch Project. Everything is implied to us, but never displayed. The ending of the movie, to me, was its most brilliant moment, as the filmmakers here stuck to their decision to NOT show us anything, even at the point when it would have been the most tempting.

Here's a comparison: You ever see Paranormal Activity??? --It's that haunting movie that everyone rates against The Blair Witch Project because...you know...it uses the same concept. Well, I really liked Paranormal Activity ALMOST the whole way through. However, the film almost completely blew my goodwill in, literally, its final three seconds. Yeah -- Paranormal Activity is the only movie I ever saw that was good until the VERY LAST couple of seconds. Way to screw it up, guys!

And, you wanna know how??? Well, it's like this: the very last shot of that particular motion picture is of its heroine lunging at the camera with a mutated face, making a typical Hollywood monster shrieking noise. Up until that point, I thought the movie was great -- mysterious, spooky, keeping us guessing -- but then, at the final moment, they just couldn't resist breaking out the stupid makeup and sound effects. God, that pissed me off.

(Der-herr....)

Well, The Blair Witch Project never makes that mistake. It sticks to its premise of forcing us to imagine what the hell is going on. No silly last minute monster shots or gore orgies -- it has RESTRAINT from start to finish. It's a slow, rolling boil; tension builds, and drama deepens. It's all a mind game from start to finish, and a masterful one at that.

Also, the fact that it's so darn simple has always been inspiring to me. Imagine -- making a movie with almost no resources whatsoever, but ending up with a massive box office success, simply because you were able to come up with a concept that was clever enough. Only Kevin Smith's Clerks has ever managed to be so damn cheap while reeling audiences in due to nothing more than a novel concept or smart writing. That's awesome!

And, yeah, I know that The Blair Witch Project was by no means the first movie to use the "discovered amateur footage" angle (Cannibal Holocaust comes to mind as a much earlier example), but it's the first one to actually do it RIGHT. People bought this stuff, hook, line, and sinker while it went on to become one of the most successful horror releases of all-time...without using any special effects. Sorry, but that's impressive.

And, do you know who I think deserves the most credit? --Its actors. Anyone who claims they weren't good is full of crap, and the proof of that is in the fact that the movie caught on so well. If these kids had been bad, people would never have found the film so believable. I've always felt that Heather Donahue, in particular, deserved far more accolades than she ever received for this excellent performance. SHE is the center of The Blair Witch Project; SHE makes it work. Frankly, I think the only reason she wasn't considered for any serious awards for this one was because it was a micro budget horror flick (in other words, snobbery). I SO hoped to see her in a million other movies after The Blair Witch Project took off.

Heather, you ROCK!

(...And yet, you wound up doing Streak 'N Shake commercials...Damnit.)

Even if one doesn't find The Blair Witch Project to be his or her cup of tea, I simply cannot understand how they would fail to be impressed by the fact that a couple of enterprising young filmmakers were able to use little more than a cheap handheld camera to make something that actually went on to scare millions of people. It relies on the most basic kind of terror of all -- that which exists only in our minds and can't even be described -- while hitting a grand slam in the process.

Compare it to other motion pictures of its ilk, but none of them are quite what The Blair Witch Project was. This one never needed special effects, makeup, or even a friggin' soundtrack; all it needed was an IDEA.

And it's still better than your favorite horror movie.

Go figure.

5 out of 5.

b.

YO!

2011-10-28T19:36:00.001-07:00

Hey, hey, hey!

SO...who's been absent from his blogging duties for the past several weeks???

(By the way, fun fact: the other guy in this pic with me is the frontman of the band, Marcy Playground.)

Yeah, I know. I've been neglecting my blog once again (and during the most important time of the year, no less). That is fundamentally unacceptable, and you have my sincere apologies.

HOWEVER, I have a good reason.

You see, I...I...umm...I....

Hmmm.

Oh, yes -- I remember my excuse now: You see, friends, I haven't been blogging for the past couple of weeks because, well....

I forgot.

Yeah. I just plum forgot! So, CLEARLY, you can understand that my absence has, in no way, been my own personal fault. I accept your forgiveness and apologies for having so unfairly judged me as being just plain lazy.

ANYway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm now back in action, and anxious to post a review of a film that I have always found to be absolutely brilliant. While there may have been a backlash against it in the years since its initial success, I say that's bullcrap. Indeed, the movie I have in mind was a game-changing inspiration for me; it was genius...and I don't care what anyone else says.

I'm talking about The Blair Witch Project.

Sorry, but the hype was justified. I stand firmly behind that assertion, and can't wait to give this film the review that it deserves.

I'll be back soon.

Classic Monster Madness

2011-10-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been spending most of this Shocktoberween watching TONS of classic horror films....

All the greats here, folks: Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, The Invisible Man, The Mummy. Yup -- all of 'em.

(Thank you, Universal, for some of the greatest memories Hollywood ever created.)

Indeed, I am a lifelong fan of the classics. There's a poetry to the old horror flicks that cannot be found in modern motion pictures. As Bela Lugosi said in Ed Wood, these films were mythic; even the crappiest throwaway monster pictures of the 1930s and 40s had an artistic vision and sort of grand cinematic flair that is only recreated in modern films by the very greatest of directors. Ah, how I wish I could travel through time and walk into a packed theater in 1931 to check out Dracula in all its strange glory. What a thrilling experience that must have been for folks back in the day.

(That would be AWESOME.)

I tell you, it's been one heck of a week. I LITERALLY watched every single classic Frankenstein movie on Sunday, in order of their original release. That's eight films in all. Hey, what can I say? One thing led to another, and I just kept streaming them as the day went on. I REGRET NOTHING!!!

And I gotta thank You Tube for making that adventure possible. See, it's perhaps a little known fact that, like, ALL of the classic horror flicks are actually available, in their entirety, on the good old You Tubes. You can watch 'em for hours and hours!

The copyright situation here is a bit murky. I mean, one would THINK that if it were a violation for someone to post these films on the site, they'd be removed pretty darn quick (YouTube is surprisingly efficient about finding stuff that doesn't belong there and taking it down, in general). Yet, there they are.

On the other hand, though, if movies like Frankenstein and The Wolfman, etc. are actually PUBLIC DOMAIN, then why the heck don't they appear on the compilation disks I like to pick up for five bucks each year around this time??? You know -- if enterprising distributors of non copyrighted material from decades gone by are selling stuff like Maniac and The Last Man on Earth on a single disk for a couple of dollars, they'd be crazy not to throw together a release with the true heavy hitters! The fact that they fail to suggests to me that doing so would not be legal.

(The kind of awesome public domain collections you can scoop up this time of year.)

So...IS it legal for, say, The Creature from the Black Lagoon to be on YouTube, then??? I have no idea, and frankly, don't really care. Hey, that's someone else's issue to deal with, anyway. The POINT is that...well...it's there now, and you can watch it.

Check out this guy, in particular. He's got TONS of great old movies posted in playlist format, so you can view them without having to get up to click the next segment every ten minutes. That's where I watched all the Frankenstein flicks. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Seriously, people -- I cannot stress this enough....

And, as long as I'm talking Frankenstein, here's a very quick report on what I learned about all of that lovable character's classic films in recent days. Let's take a look at each one.

Frankenstein (1931)

The first one, and my second favorite. You really can't argue with this icon of horror cinema on any level. Lavish and creepy sets, combined with an inspired performance from Colin Clive, make this motion picture one of the best EVER.

5 out of 5.

Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

While not as culturally significant as the first Frankenstein picture, Bride of Frankenstein is actually my personal favorite. It's beautiful in just about every way; performances are top notch; and I find the relationship that the monster establishes with a blind monk about halfway through to be deeply moving. This one is the most tragic story in the entire series.

5 out of 5.

(Is it weird that I find her kind of hot???)

Son of Frankenstein (1939)

This one brings some really interesting ideas to the table. I liked the characters, in particular. For example, it's the first time we're introduced to Igor, even though most people think that Igor was Doctor Frankenstein's assistant in ALL of the films (nope -- that's incorrect). An extra special treat is the fact that he's played by the brilliant Bela Lugosi.

4 out of 5.

Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

The last truly good classic Frankenstein picture. This one is where the series started to run off the tracks, although it manages to finish off fairly strong. The fact that Boris Karloff is no longer playing the monster perhaps hurts the overall experience, although the presence of Lugosi's Igor once again kind of compensates for that. I enjoy this movie, but it's probably where Universal should have stopped trying to milk the series.

3 out of 5.

And the rest....

Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman (1943), House of Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula (1945), and Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) are all pretty weak. The character of the monster is a rather empty caricature in these flicks, and in fact, barely appears AT ALL in some of them. I rate each one a 2 out of 5. Meh, blegh, and blah.

So, there you have it. All of the Frankenstein movies that I watched IN ONE DAY this week. I'm kinda proud of myself for pulling that off, to be honest.

(I thought I told you to shut up.)

ANYway, just thought I'd give you a quick recap of what I've been doing this fine week in Shocktoberween (how annoying is it that I keep saying that???). I'll be back in the coming days with a review of a much more recent horror film. In the meantime, have yerself a fine weekend, and go check out some classic cinema while you're at it.

Peace out.

b.

Shocktoberween Stuff From Around The Web

2011-10-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's once again October, the most magical month of the year....
Nothing gets my juices flowing like the fall. The best foods come out around this time; the best movies tend to be released around this time; and the weather gets nice and cool again around this time (but not SO cool as to be as miserable as winter). Yes, I am in my very best spiritual place come October -- or as I like to call it, "Shocktoberween."

And, friends, have I got extra special NEWS for you this month: I have found the woman of my dreams!

(Tis the season...for LOVE!!!)

Indeed, located deep within the bowels of the web, there is a certain special someone -- a lady so nice, the world named her twice.

I'm talking about Obscurus Lupa.

I found her thanks to my pal, the Nostalgia Critic, about whom I've written before. See, the Nostalgia Critic, in addition to featuring his own film reviews at ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, also hosts videos from, like, OTHER people over there.

Well, I never really paid a whole lot of attention to any of them (hey, who has the time?)...UNTIL, that is, a couple of weeks ago, when the N.A. did a joint video with none other than Miss Obscura Lupa. They analyzed some Dennis Rodman action flick from the late 90s, and the result was friggin' hilarious. I mean, talk about chemistry!

But that wasn't enough for me. I was like, "I must know more about this strange woman who's invaded my weekly Nostalgia Critic video." So, I found Lupa's page, and thus unfolded two weeks or so of solid entertainment. Seriously -- this chick's video library is a goldmine of crappy movies. We're talking the kind of low-grade stuff I remember watching on HBO at three AM when I was about 12 or 13: direct-to-video slasher flicks and karate fests; fodder for Joe Bob Briggs' Drive-In Theater. I LOVE seeing these things again, and have been in Hog Heaven with Lupa's reviews.

And to think that a GIRL would be so into content of this nature. Damn you, Lupa! I probably have blown two gigs or so of my monthly bandwidth cap on perusing your 50 some-odd videos in recent weeks!!!

(Yup, she covers The Room, too.)

But that's OK, as it's clear I have finally found the partner for me. Friends, Obscurus Lupa (real name Allison...something) OBVIOUSLY should be my special lady friend. I knew it for certain when I saw her review of Zombie Nation (which was also reviewed by Yours Truly). I mean, who but the absolute greatest of women would actually sit through something that shitty, like I would???

What I'm saying here is that great minds think alike.

(That's for me to know, and you to worry about, Lupa....)

We shall marry. ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN. And there will be dancing, with flutes and trombones playing...and much rejoicing. And our children will start a family band that tours the countryside, as all is right with the wor--

Eh, who am I kidding?

Someone as cool as Obscurus Lupa would never want to be with me. I'm a nobody! A loser!! A sad shell of a man!!! I haven't got the big bucks, great looks, or clean criminal record that a dame of her caliber requires.

And she's probably a lesbian, anyway.

Sigh. Forget the whole thing....

(Shut up, stupid cat.)

But, STILL, I recommend checking out some of Lupa's videos. She's incredibly funny -- kinda like the Nostalgia Critic...only hotter, and into weirder stuff.

OH, and one more Shocktoberween link for you here today:

My old buddy, James Rolfe (aka the Angry Video Game Nerd), is currently ankle deep in his annual Monster Madness month of horror film reviews. Yup -- each October, James posts an in-depth video analysis of an awesome horror flick every single day, and I look forward to it all year long. We're talking really great and fascinating stuff over here!

This year, it seems that James is focusing on classic monster movies, covering a bunch of old Frankenstein films in the past week. That's just fine, as I love Frankenstein, and seeing great art revisited by someone who appreciates it even more than I do always lifts my spirits and gives me a healthy motivation booster.

Check it out!

ANYway, I suppose I'd better do my part to pollute the web with horror reviews, as well. So, today, I have for you folks a movie that comes from the mysterious and exotic land of England. It's the heart-warming tale of a traditional family, just trying to get by together in this crazy modern world. I think we can all relate.

Mum & Dad (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1129428/

Netflix description:
After missing the last bus home, Polish immigrant Lena (Olga Fedori) accepts a ride with her cheerful co-worker Birdie (Ainsley Howard) -- only to find herself knocked unconscious and imprisoned by a deranged family of murderers in this twisted horror flick. Terrified and outnumbered, Lena must find a way to appease the demented clan -- or else suffer an agonizing death. Dido Miles and Perry Benson co-star as the sadistic heads of the household.

Mum & Dad is the charming story of Lena, a young, Polish immigrant to England who is taken in during her time of need by a middle class family that only wants to help out and make her feel loved.

...Of course, to THEM, "love" involves beatings and being hogtied to a furnace for days on end (with maybe the occasional whipping).

Yup, Mum & Dad is yet another torture porn flick, really about little more than a helpless pretty chick getting kidnapped and abused in a variety of horrible ways. Hey, we haven't seen anything like THIS before, now have we??? How original! How gripping!! How much PRAISE I have for this film!!!

Pfft. GOD, I am getting tired of all these torture pr0ns. Seriously, how many of these friggin' things are going to be crapped on us??? I mean, admittedly, the glut of, say, zombie movies that the horror industry created in recent years did become undeniably tedious after 4321456241 pictures or so, but at least zombies are FUN. You know -- a man can watch zombies kill people over and over and over again without it ever really bothering him because he knows, in a very conscious way, the whole time that they're just fictional monsters; but TORTURE PR0N??? -- It's a challenge in almost every case to be entertained. So, why are there suddenly so many? You'd THINK that only the most talented of filmmakers would explore this territory....

But, alas, that appears to not be the case, as some Tom, Dick, or Harry seems to pump out a torture pr0n movie every 14 seconds nowadays.

And Mum & Dad is just another one of them.

But, to give this thing a fair shake, let's quickly summarize its plot:

Lena the Polish refugee moves to London, gets a job at Heathrow Airport as a cleaning lady, and becomes friends with a spunky coworker named Birdie (who I found oddly cute for some reason). One night, when Lena misses her bus home, Birdie and her brother, Elbie, offer to let her stay over at their place. "Our parents won't mind," they assure her. "They're totally cool like that! Plus, our house is REAL cosy!!!"

So, Lena agrees to accompany Birdie and Elbie home, and GUESS WHAT??? -- Turns out their parents are absolute psychos who promptly restrain our heroine, beat the crap out of her, and lay down the law. "Basically," they tell her, "you're our new little girl. Now give Mum and Dad a big old kiss!"

Thus follows the standard learning period of such situations, as Lena gradually becomes accustomed to living in the prison that is Mum and Dad's house. She must obey them at all times; never talk back; and do all chores demanded of her...or else. Yeah, neither Mum nor Dad are ones to spare the rod, and I gotta give a little credit to our hapless Polish immigrant of a lead for coming to grips with that a bit faster than many other torture pr0n characters would.

...Or, DOES she???

Yeah, Lena has the smarts to put on the face of someone who simply accepts that she's now a prisoner FOREVAR; but behind that cool gaze, she's plotting her escape all of the time. For instance, at one point fairly early on, she tries to signal to a guy outside in the street that she needs help, but Dad catches her and quickly demonstrates for one and all how efficient he is in the art of murderization (killing the street guy). What a crazy, demented bastard he is!

Still, that don't matter in the end, as eventually, Lena outsmarts her captors by turning them against each other. See, Birdie, who was previously the LITTLE ANGEL of Mum and Dad who could do no wrong, has her trustworthiness thrown into question, as the gears in Lena's mind grind. After a little while of clever manipulation by our heroine, the family dynamic is sort of thrown on its head, making LENA the emotional puppet master, and she uses that to her advantage to make her ultimate escape. The end.

Look, the psychological games that take place between Lena, Birdie, and the parents make Mum & Dad SLIGHTLY more interesting than your average torture pr0n tripe, OK??? Also, I have to admit that this film IS very sleek-looking, with impressive visuals that add up to a very eery and claustrophobic atmosphere. The lighting in several scenes manages the difficult feat of being both ugly and beautiful at the same time, and there's no denying that this picture has a pretty talented and convincing cast. So, on a technical level, Mum & Dad is, at the end of the day, a cut above the rest in its genre. There. I said it.

HOWEVER, I would also like to point out that, when all is over and done with, there honestly isn't a whole lot TO SAY about this movie. I mean, sure -- it looks good and has one or two twists; but, fundamentally, it's just another kidnapped-girl-gets-abused story. Frankly, the only thing that REALLY grabbed me about Mum & Dad was the strong lower-middle class accent of all its characters. I don't know if it was Cockney (or whatever), but when someone talks like that, it always charms me. You English are hilarious!

Looking back, I am neither glad nor disappointed that I devoted 90 minutes of my life to Mum & Dad. It's a fairly ho-hum experience, just like most torture porns. I don't recommend reserving it for your Halloween night entertainment, but it's not a total waste of time, either.

Meh.

2 out of 5.

b.

Secrets Of The GOP Presidential Candidates

2011-09-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it right now: I'm a junkie for politics....
And I don't even necessarily care all that much who wins, either. To me, it's all about the entertainment.

Politics is like a soap opera for people too intelligent to enjoy soap operas. I think the personalities are fascinating; the strategy that goes into a campaign offers endless possibilities for discussion; the motivation of the voters never fails to be a mystery....I love, love, LOVE the whole dang thing.

So, needless to say, the Republican race for the presidency right now is my own personal Hog Heaven. This is one interesting cast of characters, folks. I mean, sure -- almost none of them are electable (well, against the incredibly weak Barack Obama, I suppose a horse in a hoop skirt might actually stand a chance); but, STILL, I like 'em!

Each GOP candidate has his or her own interesting quirks. And get this -- I have personally employed my own journalistic powers of investigation to dig up their deepest, darkest secrets.

Yes, ALL political figures have something to hide, and I assure you, the dirt I've been able to find regarding each of these Republicans is 100 percent true. I spent hundreds of hours getting to the bottom of each candidate's past, and am very proud of what I've discovered.

So, without further ado, let's learn the GOP presidential hopefuls' most embarrassing personal stories.

Michele Bachmann:

She's actually an undercover liberal comedian who is faking her entire campaign and persona as part of an Andy Kaufman-like prank. Her plan??? -- To release a documentary when all is said and done, called How I Derped the Herps: The Michele Bachmann Tea Party Experience.

She's hoping to screen it at Sundance in 2013.

(Coming to an art house theater near you!)

Newt Gingrich:

Has a third nipple; suffers from a crippling fear of bread products; is addicted to snorting ibuprofen.

Rick Perry:

Is actually actor Eric Estrada, in a disguise and using an assumed name; doesn't quite know where any of this is going, and is frankly getting kind of scared of the whole fiasco.

(What Rick Perry might look like.)

Jon Huntsman:

Doesn't really want to be president; is only running because he was looking for an excuse to drive around New Hampshire during the fall.

Rick Santorum:

Dropped out of college to pursue a career as a roadie for Bachman Turner Overdrive; once ran over a street mime (on purpose); still collects Pogs.

Mitt Romney:

Once toured the semi-professional bare fisted fighting circuit with an orangutan sidekick; isn't sure which state he's from, and is too embarrassed to ask anyone.

(Mitt Romney and his sidekick, Clyde, circa 1982)

Ron Paul:

Isn't really a member of Congress. He told one little white lie about that in a single radio interview six years ago, and no reporters ever bothered to fact check it.

Herman Cain:

Was actually fired from his job as CEO of Godfathers Pizza, after the colossal failure of his "Net Pizza" idea -- a Netflix-like rental service that delivered pizzas to customers via the US Post Office.

(This damn near bankrupted the company.)

And finally....

Gary Johnson:

Has no idea what's going on at all right now, man. Seriously -- he is SO HIGH, it's crazy. Wow , dude. Pffft. Tee-hee. Running for PRESIDENT?!? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!'

So there you have it, folks -- the secrets about our GOP candidates that I've been able to uncover. As a professional and award-winning reporter, I can (once again) assure you that I've obtained this information through completely reliable sources. Read into it however you like.

I, for one, have decided to throw my support behind Huntsman, although I don't know why.

Whatever.

Hey, here's a zombie movie!

Zombie Women of Satan (2009)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1468757/

Netflix description:
After her sister is kidnapped by a bizarre cult, rock singer Skye Brannigan (Victoria Hopkins) sets out to find her. The members of freaky burlesque troupe Flesharama become involved in the hunt, and soon they're all attacked by a flock of gorgeous zombie women. Led by Satan and their insane creators, the Zander family, the zombies won't stop the carnage until their lust for blood and guts is fully satisfied in this gory horror flick.

So, Zombie Women of Satan is an extremely profane celebration of sex, violence, and gore, coming to us from our friends across the Atlantic, in the United Kingdom.

Yeah, this movie is REAL English....Or, now that I think about it, it may have actually been Scottish. Meh, I can't really tell, to be honest. Point is, it's ONE of those things, OK?

Anyway, Zombie Women of Satan is about a traveling burlesque group that finds itself trapped in a remote country compound owned by a mad scientist who experiments in the dark art of reanimating the dead (or, in this case, the near-dead). HIS name is Doctor Henry Zander, and for totally understandable reasons, he's solely interested in working on lingerie-clad young women.

As it happens, while our friends the burlesque group are visiting the good doctor's compound, his test subjects get loose, and thus ensues a battle for survival that includes more nudity, blood, and poop jokes than anything I've seen in at least five years.

Sounds GREAT, right???

Well...not really. I mean, Zombie Women of Satan COMES CLOSE to being a fun ride on multiple occasions, but its fatal flaw seems to be that every friggin' joke just drags on and on (and on) for far too long.

For example, one of our "heroes" is Pervo the Clown -- a sex-obsessed, leather pants and pasty-wearing member of said burlesque troupe. He spends 100 percent of his time in search of all things orgasmic, at one point even sneaking off into the woods to (ahem) "service himself" in the middle of a zombie assault. Well, sure -- that could be kind of funny; but the problem is that such antics from Pervo are repeated EVERY FIVE MINUTES. I mean, he doesn't just masturbate in that manner once, but TWICE...and his other jokes are all driven into the ground in a similar fashion. It gets old, and downright groan-inducing, pretty darn fast.

(What Pervo the Clown might look like.)

Same goes for just about everything else that Zombie Women of Satan brings to the table. It has, at its core, a fairly likable and chuckle-worthy soul; but the film just plain relies too heavily on the same handful of gags, over and over AND OVER again. Scenes that WOULD have been funny drag on for ten minutes, instead of two, making them difficult to endure. An unacceptably large amount of this experience is blatant filler.

And that's a shame, since I actually found myself wanting to give Zombie Women of Satan a pass by the time the end credits rolled. It's just so joyously scatological that, in spite of myself, I had to grin at several scenes, and the production values here are amazingly high, given what what we're dealing with. Seriously -- the picture itself looks damn good, and I marvel at the fact that the filmmakers were able to get so many naked women to be in this thing. How'd they pull THAT off? Who BANKROLLED this movie???

Look, if you're a fan of the walking dead (as we all know I am), then at least streaming Zombie Women of Satan might be worth your while, as it's far better than I could possibly have expected. However, fundamentally, this film is still pretty bad, even if it makes me sad to admit that.

Only watch if you're a zombie freak who's in the mood for something fun, yet extremely immature and lazily-written.

2 out of 5.

b.

Who'da Thunk It???

2011-09-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

You ever heard of Bobcat Goldthwait?
He's a stand up comedian who became fairly famous here in the US back in the 1980s.

Mostly known for his bizarre, high-pitched voice and manic persona (--Well, that, and once setting fire to Jay Leno's couch), Bobcat Goldthwait was a true "badboy" comic back in his prime. Like Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks, he had some raunchy, rather dark, material, and was precisely the kind of stand-up one might expect to die of an overdose at a young age.

Not to mention, he played Zed in Police Academy.

(What Zed might look like.)

Anyway, I always thought old Bobcat was pretty funny, but I never would have suspected that he's actually become a FILMMAKER in recent years. Yup. Seems that, since the mid 2000s, he's been writing and directing movies, and I watched a couple of them this weekend (most are available for streaming on Netflix). Folks, I gotta tell ya -- this Bobcat Goldthwait character is one HELLUVA story teller.

Really!

Both of the Bobcat movies I screened in recent days were downright brilliant, and I very much look forward to his next effort, God Bless America, which was at the Toronto Film Festival this month. My GOD, it looks friggin' hilarious!!!

(I absolutely want to see this flick RIGHT NOW).

But let's get down to serious business here. I've got two quick reviews for you today -- both in regards to Bobcat Goldthwait films, and BOTH good.

Enjoy the show.

World's Greatest Dad (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262981/

Netflix description:
After his son (Daryl Sabara) dies in an awkward freak accident, high school poetry teacher Lance (Robin Williams) ghostwrites a suicide note to spare the family embarrassment. But when the note becomes an unexpected hit, Lance sees a chance to resurrect his writing career. In a bid for literary fame, Lance writes his son's journal and passes it off as his own. Writer-director Bob Goldthwait's comedy debuted at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival.

This one is, without a doubt, among the the funniest, darkest, films I have seen in the past few years. Let's establish that right now.

For me, it's a buyer.

OK so, World's Greatest Dad stars Robin Williams as Lance, an average single father with a long-held and very deep wish to become a writer. He may or may not actually be "good" (that doesn't matter); the point here is that Lance really, REALLY WANTS to get published, and has failed on every single attempt.

Well, Lance has a 15 year old son, and frankly, the kid's a little douchebag. Named Kyle, Lance's spawn has a variety of personal problems -- among them the fact that he's obsessed with German poop porn, and blatantly insults his dad right to the poor sap's very face. Not even I was that bad at his age!

(GodDAMN, was I ugly.)

Long story short, Kyle dies one night in an auto-erotic asphyxiation incident, and Lance, fearing embarrassment, covers it up to make the whole thing look like a suicide.

Lance writes an eloquent suicide note for his son, and everything seems to die down...until, that is, the kid's school newspaper obtains and prints said letter. Almost immediately, Kyle becomes the local teenage hero. ALL of the students suddenly start claiming to have known him, and he's remembered as some kind of sensitive genius (HA!). Our pal Lance just roles with it all at first, but when someone asks him for another of Kyle's writing samples, he makes one up himself, and once again, it becomes a huge hit with one and all.

A whirlwind of tears and platitudes then ensue, ultimately leading to the offering of a book deal to Lance and a talk show appearance. WILL this poor man crack under such guilt-ridden pressure and just admit that his son did NOT, in fact, commit suicide???

(By the way, Krist Novelselic, the bassist for my all-time favorite band, Nirvana, has a 10 second cameo in this movie. No point to mentioning that, really -- I just wanted to bring it up since I'm so proud of myself for having caught it on my own.)

Folks, World's Greatest Dad is funny, irreverent, daring, thought-provoking, and in the end, deeply heartfelt. What begins with a somewhat vulgar premise winds up causing us to cry and smile a little (well, maybe a lot, actually). I was blown away by this movie. It now ranks as among the few I have seen which made me wish I had pursued my own dream of becoming a filmmaker.

The clever writing and oddball direction here truly surprised me. And Robin Williams (for as annoying as he can be on many occasions), proves once again that he really is, at the end of the day, an incredibly talented actor. What a sensitive, relatable, performance! Robin, this is yet another occasion in which you probably deserved an Oscar.

We SYMPATHIZE with Lance, even though what he's doing is fundamentally wrong. I applaud any actor who can lead a film and make us feel that way for such a character, and I also salute Bobcat Goldthwait for making me laugh, cry, and (yes) puke a little.

Short review, to be sure...but I'm telling you: World's Greatest Dad is an EXCELLENT friggin' film. I watched it three times this weekend, and found it to be a true feel-good experience.

Check it out.

5 out of 5.

OK, one down, and one more to go....

NUMBER TWO, please step forward!

Sleeping Dogs Lie (2006)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0492492/

Netflix description:
All hell breaks loose when a woman reveals a secret to her fiancé in comedian-director Bob Goldthwait's edgy romantic comedy. Encouraged by her mother and co-worker, Amy (Melinda Page Hamilton) tells her husband-to-be about a rather shocking past sexual encounter. But her confession threatens to destroy the relationship, and what unfolds is a story of integrity, family ties, bravery and forgiveness. Bryce Johnson and Colby French co-star.

This one is another great film from Bobcat...although its very premise may turn some folks off from the get-go, and I can't necessarily fault them for it.

Look, I'll give you a small spoiler (you find this information out with the movie's first line of dialogue, anyway): this here is the story of a woman who once blew a dog, OK??? There. I said it.

I know, I know -- that's a pretty darn messed up thing to have done, but stick with me for a minute....

The chick's name is Amy, and she's a truly SWEET person, despite what I just wrote. Hard to believe, but I assure you, Amy is perfect in just about every other way. It's just that her one flaw happens to be that she engaged in a single act of bestiality while in college. Hey, give her a break; it happens!

Anyway, Amy is set to marry a dude named John, and she sort of agonizes over whether or not to share this bizarre secret with him. I mean, it's a good question -- is ABSOLUTE honesty necessary for a strong marriage? OR, should we sometimes keep certain details to ourselves, for the sake of others??

What do YOU think???

Hey, I can't defend Amy's initial act, or the fact that the first 20 minutes of Sleeping Dogs Lie are, admittedly, pretty damn sick; but by the end of this motion picture, I found myself laughing and crying almost as much as I did with World's Greatest Dad. This is high quality, very witty, stuff right here!

You know, it speaks to the abilities of Bobcat Goldthwait as a filmmaker that he could have made something like Sleeping Dogs Lie in the first place, and pulled any kind of emotional reaction out of us at all. I HONESTLY loved and forgave Amy by the end of the movie.

Half of the credit, of course, for that should go to star Melinda Paige Hamilton (yet another amazing performer) for crafting a wonderful character in spite of all mistakes she may have made; but the rest of the praise for Sleeping Dogs Lie should be sent straight (once again) in the direction of Bobcat Goldthwait hisself.

What a guy!

If you can get past the shear grossness of this picture's concept, I also recommend it.

4 out of 5.

So, there you go, friends -- two great movies, from one ingenious man. Watch either, and keep your eyes pealed for God Bless America, due out soon.

See you in a few days!

b.

Book Versus Movie

2011-09-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

In the film world, it is common knowledge that the book is, like, ALWAYS better than the movie....
Take any Hollywood adaptation of a successful novel -- the film version will universally leave so much out that fans of the source material will cringe, roll their eyes, and even call for blood upon seeing it. You name the title, and the film adaptation will be a disappointment compared to the book.

(The movie version of this one STILL drives me friggin' crazy.)

Admittedly, it all makes sense, of course -- your average decent novel will have, like, 500 pages, 40,000 characters, and (oh, I dunno) 91514143154545746 words, so....mmmyeah, a 90 minute motion picture adaptation just HAS to leave some stuff out. It has no choice; things must be cut and plot points streamlined in order to get that bad boy to the big screen in anything approaching a reasonable length of time. I think we all understand that....

But, what about the RARE cases in which the movie is actually BETTER THAN THE BOOK???

Believe me, it DOES occasionally happen, and I can think of three examples off the top of my head right now. First is The English Patient (1996); second is Silk (2007); and THIRD is the flick I wish to specifically examine today: American Psycho (2000).

Now, I reviewed American Psycho the film last year, not even knowing at the time that it was based off a novel, and it totally blew my mind. Although my official analysis of the picture back then was a bit rushed, I still stand behind it, and regard this 2000 release as a masterpiece.

See, bottom line is that American Psycho rules. GOT IT???

Since that initial screening, I've literally watched the film AT LEAST 100 times (yeah, maybe not so healthy, I know), and I can't stop wrapping my diseased little mind around its intricacies. So much to say here; so many subtleties....American Psycho is simply a PERFECT motion picture, friends. I am certain of that.

Therefore, I think it's only natural that I felt compelled to check out the novel upon which it was based. This sucker was written by Brad Easton Ellis, and published back in 1991. Apparently, it generated some controversy at the time, due to the depictions of extreme violence against women that it contains (which, by the way, failed to impress me, but we'll get to that later). Heck, even feminist icon Gloria Steinem campaigned against the book, attempting unsuccessfully to prevent its release.

(FUN FACT: Christian Bale, who eventually starred in the film adaptation of American Psycho, is, ironically, the god son OF Gloria Steinem. Seriously.)

ANYway, as indicated, American Psycho the book was a disappointment for me. First of all, it's grossly different from the movie adaptation in that THE FILM is far more humorous, concise, and comprehensible. I mean, REALLY -- I'm not sure I would have even understood much of the action in American Psycho the novel if I hadn't been provided with some kind of objective framework by the motion picture to begin with. It's just all so rambling -- flow of consciousness kind of stuff that drops important information matter-of-factly, while dwelling on the sorts of trivial crap that automatically causes me to skip entire pages. Had I not seen the movie first, I suspect that American Psycho the novel would have left me entirely clueless as to what was going on at certain points, simply because I lacked the ability to pay attention to the paragraphs upon paragraphs of yammering about workout regimens and bottled water and silk neckties and candy corn and good veal and my ass, and yada yada yada...courtesy of our narrator....

What I'm saying is that the ridiculous amount of banal DETAIL provided in the novel renders it almost unreadable. I mean, in American Psycho THE MOVIE, our (anti)hero Pat Bateman will occasionally go off on tangents about things like fashion and yuppy restaurants, etc.; but IN THE BOOK, these diatribes DRAG ON AND ON FOR PAGES AND PAGES, and I absolutely could not handle them. Look, just one paragraph about Armani suits every couple of chapters might be acceptable and get its point across; but in this particular book, we're given such nonsense EVERY OTHER FRIGGIN' PAGE!

It drove me nuts.

American Psycho the novel is a giant mess, with a solid story buried somewhere at its core, and I applaud the film version's director, Mary Harron, for turning this jumbled heap into a compelling and downright BRILLIANT production. Mary, you deserve to rank right up there with Spielberg and Scorsese as the greatest filmmakers in Hollywood today. I couldn't possibly tip my hat to you enough for transforming an almost unbearable novel into a motion picture that inspired, intrigued, and enthralled me dozens of times.

I barely managed to finish American Psycho the book. Even the MURDER bits were inserted in a totally random fashion, with little framing to make them stand out as important to the point. Who knows how many people Pat Bateman kills in the novel? -- The dang thing slips these details in so haphazardly amidst other BS that they're easy to miss.

The FILM, however...well, I don't need to tell you folks again how much I enjoy it....

So, AGAIN -- Mary Harron, you rock. You took source material that pretty much made no sense at all, cut to its heart, made it funny and compelling, and unleashed upon the world a motion picture that would rank as a classic for millions upon millions. YOU, ma'am, are a genius who ranks among the very few filmmakers to produce a movie adaptation that is actually BETTER than than the book upon which it is based.

Good show!

AND, TO DRIVE THE POINT HOME ON THIS, HERE'S A RE-POST OF MY ORIGINAL REVIEW OF AMERICAN PSYCHO THE FILM (written quite drunkenly on the night of February 16th, 2010):

American Psycho (2000)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0144084/

Netflix description:
With a chiseled chin and an iron physique, Patrick Bateman's looks make him the ideal yuppie -- and the ideal serial killer. That's the joke behind American Psycho, which follows a killer at large during the 1980s junk-bond boom. Bateman (Christian Bale) takes pathological pride in everything from his business card to his Huey Lewis CD collection, all the while plotting his next victim's vivisection

Since everyone's already seen it, I won't waste your time with an in-depth review, but I WILL say that American Psycho is one of the most awesome movies ever. Hilarious and disturbing, this film features what is one of Christian Bale's best performances (really second only to The Machinist) as yuppie Patrick Bateman. He's an ultra-cool Wall Street investor business guy with one problem: he has a lust for blood...lots of it.

Patrick murderizes several people in a typically cold businessman way -- very efficient, very calm. Eventually, his murder spree gets a little out of hand. CAN Patrick stop this madness? WILL Patrick be caught by the nosy detective investigating the disappearance of one of his associates?? IS any of this actually happening???

That last question is really the only original thing I have to add to the pubic discourse about American Psycho. Is it possible that the whole story was really just in our (anti-) hero's head? I figure that's one of two possible explanations for what happens in the end. Either A, Patrick is fantasizing all of this; or B, the world of 1980s business yuppies was so impersonal that no one could tell each other apart (this would validate my own plan for infiltrating the world of high finance). Any thoughts?

Either way, American Psycho blew my friggin' mind, and I must admit that I'm ashamed for having not seen it until this week. Anyone else in that same boat is urged to give this bad boy a rental (or, really, a straight-up purchase) right away.

5 out of 5.

--SO, there, friends....

My previously posted review still stands. In fact, I'd actually like to give American Psycho an even HIGHER rating than 5 out of 5, if I were to review it again. This film has grown on me more and more with each obsessive viewing since that fateful day in February of 2010; I now consider it one of the best motion pictures ever made. Brilliant on every level, and worthy of infinite screenings, I place American Psycho among my top five favorite films of all-time.

So, the point is that it is one of the very few movie adaptations of a book that surpasses its source material in quality. Anyone else have any similar suggestions? Anyone wanna argue with me here??? I'd love some feedback.....

But, HEY -- why not make this post a two-fer, with a yet another review of a different murder flick??? Guess what -- this one occupies the opposite end of the quality spectrum as American Psycho.

So, ARE YOU READY?!?

--Well, too bad, cuz here it comes, anyway....

Santa's Slay (2005)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0393685/

Netflix description:
Jolly old Saint Nick (Bill Goldberg) isn't making a gift list this year -- he's making a hit list, checking it twice and unleashing his inner demon for an unforgettably terrifying Christmas. A bet that Santa lost to an angel 1,000 years ago has expired, and now he's hell-bent on spreading some holiday fear. As the big day approaches, only young Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith) and his grandfather (Robert Culp) can stop him.

All right -- real quick, friends.....

This movie SHOULD have been about one million times better. I mean, what a boring, stupid, waste of time.

C'mon -- Santa goes nuts and kills people? --In terms of premise, that's HILARIOUS! WHY, oh why, didn't this movie work out???

I dunno. I guess it's the silly B-list celebrity cameos that somehow take the magic out of this whole experience within the first ten minutes, believe it or not. Let's see -- we've got Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart, all showing up in the opening scene, for God's sake. Seeing that just KILLED my enthusiasm, and made me suspect that Santa's Slay was going to be a watered down, slap-sticky and tongue-in-cheek PARODY of campy filmmaking, instead of the balls-to-the-wall, unabashed gorefest for which I'd been hoping. And I was right.

This film SHOULD have been about Santa Claus going absolutely crazy and murderizing tons of people in horrifying ways. Instead, it's a stupid, supernatural-oriented kind of comedic butt-slapper.

Fiddlesticks, I say!

(And, wasn't this pun-inspired title already pitched in Ernest Saves Christmas???)

Yeah, Santa's Slay was just plain boring. Instead of providing us with blood-splattering and reindeer torture, it gives us a dumb story about Santa trying to be evil after finally welching on a bet he'd lost to Satan (or something), like, a thousand years earlier. It's more comedy than anything else, and I was thoroughly disappointed.

No depravity to speak of; little bloodshed; and few genuine laughs. Santa's Slay is a massive missed opportunity. Bill Goldberg, as our title character, is semi-inspired at times (kinda reminded me of Geoffery Rush); but his efforts don't come even remotely close to making this a worthwhile experience. In the end, Santa's Slay is just ultra low-level slapstick, and not worthy of so much as a passing glance. Sorry....

If you wanna see a good Christmas, Santa-oriented murder movie, then I suggest Silent Night, Deadly Night. As for THIS one, however, I say BAH HUMBUG!

1 out of 5.

b.

We Asked For Mojo Nixon. They Said, "HE DON'T WORK HERE!"

2011-09-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

All, right friends....
Lately, I have been enamored, transfixed, by this masterpiece of musical video art. It comes from the warped mind of punk-hillbilly hero Mojo Nixon, and perhaps some of you 80s teens remember it. Yes, I'm talking about Mojo's "Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with My Two Headed Love Child."

What an inspired, hilarious spectacle. It's a shining example of all that I consider fine art.

Folks, here we have circa 1987 Mojo Nixon blasting Rick Astley as a pantywaist ("Shoved my butt in his face!"); Winona Ryder eating a cheeseburger while giving birth to a mutant; and Debbie Gibson wrestling in Jello with Tiffany. Indeed, this dark exercise in poetry has something for everyone.

Seems old Mojo met Winona Ryder on the set of Great Balls of Fire, in which he portrayed the drummer of Jerry Lee Lewis. From there, creativity of historic proportions was born.

Indeed, Winona agreed to play Debbie Gibson in Mojo's latest project, and BOOM -- the world was given a video that I simply CANNOT stop watching over and over and over again.

This is, hands own, Winona Ryder's best work...and possibly Mojo Nixon's best work, as well. Hell, I think this one ranks up there with the likes of Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" as the Greatest Video of All-Time.

Winona Ryder is actually on record as saying her performance in Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with My Two Headed Love Child is her personal favorite ever. Winona, baby, this makes me gain SOOOO much respect for you. You show genuine joy and spunk in this classy little diversion. THIS, Winona, is where you prove your real talent, and THIS is what shows your genuine SOUL, darlin'!

But, why, exactly, am I so fascinated by this random music video? I guess it's just that the dang thing is so much FUN. Man, our pal Mojo really goes for it here -- blasting 80s pop culture figures by the butt load. We've got Astley, Tiffany, Joan Collins, Debbie G., and even Spuds McKenzie. Remember him??? --You know -- the dog from Budweiser commercials in the 1980s with whom (some very twisted) swimsuit models apparently wanted to have sex (c'mon, watch the ads yourself; you'll see what I mean). Yes indeed, Spuds McKenzie pops up in this madcap opus right here.

WATCH IT!!! Does it make you feel as ALIVE as it does me???

So, yeah -- I've been a bit into the great Mojo Nixon lately. I kind of wish I had been a teenager in the 80s, just so I could have been a weird freak type who dug music like Devo, The Sex Pistols, and yes, Mojo Nixon. I would have been an awesome 80s teen. Instead, I got the 90s, which I guess, was a pretty good alternative, all things considered....

And speaking of high school, here's my OTHER favorite Mojo video, in which he plays the Spirit of Rock N Roll in the horrible/awesome 1991 flick, Rock N Roll High School Forever.

(Rootin' tootin; Ain't high-falootin'.)

Anyway, this brings me to the first QUESTION OF THE WEEK over here at Who Wants Taters??? (a new feature):

Here goes....

What do YOU think are the greatest music videos of all-time??? Lemme know in the comments section. Nominate as many as you want. I want to know more about you folks!

Here's four more from me (yes, the stills are all clickable, external links):

PEARL JAM -- Jeremy:

(Sends chills down my spine every time.)

GARBAGE -- Only Happy When it Rains.

(Gratuitous upskirt of the hottest woman in music EVER, thanks to me. You're welcome.)

NIRVANA -- In Bloom:

(Shows the band's often-overlooked humorous side.)

GARBAGE -- Bleed Like Me:

(Yeah, whatever -- another one from Garbage. Brilliant song; brilliant video; sexy lady.)

Good stuff right there, if I may say so myself. Again, any suggestion from YOU folks???

And, on the opposite end of the awesomeness spectrum, here's a movie about a small town girl who likes to kill people. SURPRISE -- it's a disappointment.

Chainsaw Sally (2004)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0385592/

Netflix description:
Sally (April Monique Burril) is a mild-mannered librarian by day, but when the sun goes down, she acts out her gruesome fantasies of revenge for the brutal slayings of her parents years before. And when a shady land developer shows up wanting to buy Sally's childhood home, he becomes the next target of Sally's gory chainsaw rage. Written and directed by Jimmyo Burril, this delightful splatter fest also features Alec Joseph and David R. Calhoun.

Sigh....

Chainsaw Sally is one of those movies that makes me wish I had pursued film as a career, if anything to show others how it's SUPPOSED to be done. Seriously -- this incredibly promising premise drops the ball in some tragic ways, friends.

I mean, think about it -- a shy, small town librarian acts out violent fantasies by night WITH A CHAINSAW. That's awesome! Chainsaw Sally ought to be a slam dunk, right???

WRONG. I'm sad to report that this flick turns out to be one of them shot-on-high-school-AV-club-caliber-equipment, God AWFULLY acted, low-rent, porn production-level, pieces of sub-Troma level crap. Man, did this one let me down....

Chainsaw Sally is a genuine missed opportunity.

Yeah, this movie is pretty low-end tripe. Sure, it follows the fairly OK plot I just outlined above: Sally is a shy girl who has an axe to grind with pretty much the entire world because she witnessed the brutal murder of her parents as a child. She works at the local library, and is apparently viewed by the townsfolk as thoroughly harmless...although I, for one, wouldn't have been fooled by her for a SECOND, as she looks more to me like a porn actress in lensless glasses and a woolen smock bought at Halloween USA than a sweet librarian. I mean, REALLY -- this chick (April Monique Burril) simply does not fit the part, and frankly, ain't all that great of an actress, anyway. For the sake of effectiveness, I totally would have picked another performer -- someone pretty, and capable of looking totally innocent ("girl next door" like) one minute, while sadistically sawing the head of a neighbor off the next. This film's failure to go with someone like that is big mistake NUMBER ONE.

But, even beyond that, it's just not very good.

See, Sally lives with some kind of punk rock boyfriend who gets off on watching her murderize people in their psychotic madhouse of a love den. By day, however, she hangs out at the library (which looks curiously like a totally unrelated office space with a few dictionary-covered card tables thrown into frame and a world map tacked on the wall next to a sign that says, "LIBRARY"), urging patrons to "shush" whenever they so much as squeak their sneakers on the floor. If any one of them fails to comply, Sally may just follow him/her into the restroom with a pair of scissors, and well...you know the drill.

Anyway, things REALLY get rolling here when some hot shot playboy millionaire moves into town with plans to buy the old house in which Sally grew up. He wants to sell it for a strip mall or something (I dunno), and she doesn't approve of that. One thing leads to another, and pretty soon, Sally's nighttime rampages become more targeted. She definitely does NOT want that old abandoned home to sell, and eventually, the girl goes straight after the developer himself. WILL Sally manage to preserve her childhood home? CAN our heroic developer survive her homicidal pursuits?? WHY don't the local authorities consider it suspicious that AT LEAST one resident per night seems to disappear or be found decapitated out in the woods???

Look, this movie is just plain too c-h-e-a-p to be any good...although I must say that it HAS inspired me somewhat. Indeed -- it's got me, the old Drewmeister, wishing I could collect a digital video camera, a group of 25 or so friends and volunteers, and maybe...let's say...12 grand (?) so that I could do a more competent remake. Friends, an idea this good cannot be allowed to remain wasted on such nonsense as Chainsaw Sally!

I propose MY OWN movie, called Chainsaw Suzy. It'd be basically the same thing, but changed JUUUUST ENOUGH so as to avoid lawsuits....

GONE would be the horrendous acting and casting, as I'd get someone appropriate for at least the title role...GONE would be the cutting away every time Sally hits a victim with her saw, as I'd throw buckets and buckets of blood and raw meat into every attack shot...GONE would be an unnecessary subplot about the developer and some stupid abandoned house, as I'd replace him (and it) with a simple Suzy-has-a-sexually-abusive-dad element (and, yes -- you can bet he'd die in the film's final scene)...and GONE would be the amateurish shaky camera operation, unrealistic dialogue, and lame semi-gay boyfriend deal.

Friends, Chainsaw Suzy would be WAAAAY better than Chainsaw Sally. --You can bet your franks and beans on that!

As reality stands, however, this film is little more than an ultra low-budget exercise in piss poor planning and bad execution. Sure, it kept my attention for the full 83 minutes, but that was mostly because I was plotting ways to improve it the whole time I was watching, rather than enjoying the ride.

If you're looking for an utter waste of time that fulfills the need to see cheap crap that BARELY manages to entertain, then I guess I'd advise you to give Chainsaw Sally a whirl. Otherwise, you ain't missin' nothin'.

2 out of 5.

b.

Sick And Depraved?

2011-09-02T14:06:00.001-07:00

So, today I have a movie based off a true story that couldn't be more heartbreaking or disturbing....
It's called The Girl Next Door, and no -- we're not referring to the comedy about the porn star who moves to the suburbs.

(That was a HAPPY story.)

Indeed, I'm talking today about a 2007 film that tells the true tale of a 15 year old girl who was brutally tortured and killed by a sadistic Indianapolis mother and several neighborhood children. It happened in 1965, and the girl's name was Sylvia Likens.

There was another film -- An American Crime -- made about this incident, starring Catherine Keener and actually more accurate; but, to me, it's not as worth talking about, for a few rather complicated reasons. See, from my point of view, the liberties taken by The Girl Next Door are what make it so intriguing, and to be honest, I found An American Crime to be a little boring.

The Girl Next Door goes straight for the throat, almost even crossing the line at certain points. I've spent some hours since watching it doing research on the real Sylvia Likens story and, although this film IS overall fairly true, the ways in which it deviates from the actual incident strike me in the same way that the veiled references to pedophilia in Powder did, once I learned about its director's criminal record (click the link to find out for yourself what I'm talking about). You know -- what I'm saying is that it's kinda creepy....

(What "creepy" might look like.)

I mean, this movie GOES there, ratcheting up the sex torture, and taking the psychotic character of Gertrude Baniszewski (the ringleader of the entire Likens episode) to new heights. In real life, this woman deserved to fry, but in The Girl Next Door, she's even MORE insane. I think that says something about the picture's writers-director, and it raises questions about whether this is actually a good film, or deserves to be dismissed as exploitative trash.

Let's take a look:

The Girl Next Door (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0830558/

Netflix description:
Inspired by true events, this thriller set in 1958 follows the harrowing story of two adolescent girls (Blythe Auffarth and Madeline Taylor) who, upon losing their parents in an accident, are sent to live with their Aunt Ruth (Blanche Baker), a sadistic psychopath. Unbeknownst to the residents of the small New Jersey suburb, the girls endure unthinkable punishment at the hands of their aunt and three cousins.

All right, so in THIS version of the Likens story, a young girl named Meg (Blythe Auffarth) and her disabled little sister are sent to stay with an aunt after their parents die. Sad enough as it is, right?

Well, things seem shaky from the get-go, as Auntee Ruth is obviously a drunken, foul-mouthed bitch with a bad attitude (normally, qualities that I admire in a person, but not in someone who is charged with raising several children). However, when Meg strikes up a friendship with a clean cut neighborhood boy named David, Aunt Ruth (Blanche Baker) , goes full-psycho on us. She starts ranting to her three (or was it four?) redneck, constantly-shirtless, sons about how all women are "sluts" and "harlots," and about how that's exactly what their cousin Meg is, and yada yada yada....

Meg actually shows some spunk at first, even fighting back when Ruth starts going after her little sister, as well; but no -- in the end, our heroine/victim is simply beaten into submission. The situation gets truly dangerous when Ruth's other children get in on the act of abusing their female cousins; the boys even start talking openly of raping Meg, and the mom does nothing about it.

OK, here's where the SPOILERS start arriving....

Things build and build until Ruth and the boys one night string Meg up, naked, in the basement and begin...well, "fondling" her. She's blindfolded and denied food and water; after some time down there, she develops infections....Meg's condition deteriorates quickly under this regimen of abuse, and by the time her cousins start straight up using her as a human punching bag, she's already at death's door.

Neighborhood kids come over to take part in the fun. Yeah, The Girl Next Door features scenes of, like, gaggles of 14 year old boys AND girls standing around watching in amazement as the sons of Ruth beat the living crap out of their undressed, helpless, and obviously dying victim (by the way, this IS what really happened to Sylvia Likens). The only person with any kind of a conscience involved in these shenanigans is the previously-mentioned David, who timidly stands off to the side, and occasionally whimpers, "C'mon, guys....Don't you think maybe we ought to give her a little water or something?" like the pathetic, useless, midget, cockamamie pantywaist that he is.

I mean, REALLY -- this David brat ticked me off. He's obviously deeply troubled by what's being done to poor Meg, but he pussyfoots around on the matter of informing any authorities because, apparently, he's afraid they won't believe him or some such ridiculous crap like that. Yeah. I kept thinking, "You stupid little bastard. TELL SOMEBODY!!!"

(What David might look like.)

Whatever. The film depicts David as though we're supposed to feel sorry for him, but I say the useless galoot should have been prosecuted with the rest of Meg's torturers. I mean, JEBUS, man -- at least tell your parents!

Ahem.

ANYway, as noted, up until this point, The Girl Next Door has been mostly true to the Sylvia Likens story. But, it's at the very end, when the stuff REALLY goes down and the most heart wrenching action begins, that the picture deviates in shocking ways and causes me to question its intentions. Here goes....

(And they're not for the faint of heart.)

Eventually, Aunt Ruth grows bored of simply burning Meg with cigarettes and smacking her around, so she lets her sons start raping the tied up girl. They take turns piling on, like a bunch of wild, greased up pigs, while Ruth argues with them over which one should get the sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, and fifths. But that's not where it ends.

Nope. One day, after (oh, I dunno, let's say) a month and a half of constant torture, Aunt Ruth decides that it's time to physically scar Meg on a more permanent basis. Not only does she carve sexual obscenities into Meg's stomach with a pin, but THEN (get this), she takes a blow torch to...well...Meg's...you know....

All right , all right, all right. Let's be adults here, and speak in medical terms, OK?

WARNING: Don't read on if you're very easily disturbed.

Ruth gives a little speech to her sons about how women need a special part of their vagina (and I'm referring to the clitoris here) in order to truly enjoy "pleasing men," and then specifically uses the above-mentioned blow torch to burn Meg's off for good. Yes, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS in the film.

...But guess what? -- That DIDN'T happen in the real Sylvia Likens case (at least, from what I've been able to gather). While, indeed, in the REAL situation, Sylvia's privates were badly infected and swollen shut by the time police found her body, they were not quite mutilated in this extreme, and astoundingly sadistic, way. Nor, does it appear as though Sylvia was actually "RAPE-raped" (as Whoopi Goldberg would say). Sure, her torturers had inserted things like Pepsi bottles into her and so forth (which yes, I know, is still rape), but there was no body-to-body penetration going on, as depicted in The Girl Next Door.

So, why did this film's writers and director (Gregory Wilson) feel the need to go THAT FAR??? The true story, as it was, could have been enough to make almost any viewer want to weep. WHO, exactly, thought it was necessary to portray a mother watching her sons gang rape an underage girl? WHO had the wild idea of Ruth delivering a monologue on the female circumcisions performed in many African cultures, designed to prevent girls from becoming "whores"?? Was that in the novel by Jack Ketchum, upon which this particular film is based???

I just have this weird feeling that SOMEONE involved in the production of The Girl Next Door has a sick fetish for that kind of thing, and the Sylvia Likens case merely gave them an outlet for expressing it. I dunno; I realize I'm making some dark accusations and rather large leaps here, but there ARE guys out there who get off on FGM -- I've run into a few of them once or twice when delving deep into the seedier parts of the Internet, and they never fail to creep the heck out of me.

And that's the troubling thing about The Girl Next Door: it would have been heartbreaking enough, simply following the true Sylvia Likens story, yet it takes certain aspects of the ordeal to depraved new depths. Is this exploitation, or simply a tactic to make the horrible tale even more effective?

Because, I'll tell ya -- The Girl Next Door IS an effective film. I walked away feeling a bit numb, with a variety of questions and unsettling thoughts in my mind, and it took me two viewings in a row to wrap the old noggin around what I had just seen. Also, there's no denying that the motion picture is well-made, and slickly shot, with strong performances from most of the cast -- especially Blyth Auffarth, as Meg. I can't believe that this woman was actually much older than the character she portrayed here, and her heroic and poignant presence really tore my heart out by the time the experience was over.

This is brave, gritty filmmaking, to say the least. Although I can't say I enjoyed actually watching it, The Girl Next Door DID get me thinking and feeling big things, so I guess I have no choice but to give it a generally positive rating. After all, I don't know FOR SURE whether those last few items of torture I described here didn't really happen to Sylvia Likens -- it's possible that the public accounts of the case I've been able to rustle up simply left those bits out, for good taste's sake. Maybe I'll never know.

Either way, here's a pretty good account of the true story, for anyone who might be interested:

http://www.indystar.com/article/99999999/NEWS06/80814026/StarFiles-1965-murder-Sylvia-Likens

(The real Sylvia Likens, 1949-1965. May she sleep softly.)

Should you see this movie??? Well, only if you can handle the things I just described (and sorry about the massive spoilers). If that is the case, then it may be worth your while, simply because The Girl Next Door is generally effective and skilled filmmaking -- depraved or not.

3 out of 5.

b.

Do At Least One Of These Things

2011-08-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

For no reason at all, I'll break my August blogging vacation to recommend two little things that you, my pals, could do, simply for the sake of supporting independent art....
The first one's a bit easier:

You got Netflix??? Good. Then go to that site, and click "Save" on the film, The Lake Effect. You may remember my review of it a couple months back. Locally shot, and lovely on just about every level, I support this one. And get this -- the film's producers apparently have secured a distribution deal, but Netflix won't actually OFFER the dang thing until enough users have expressed an interest. SOOO...go on -- click Save on The Lake Effect at yer Netflix account already. I don't know how many Saves they need to get the movie eligible for general distribution, but this easy step on your part could help make an interesting, independent film with real heart become available to one and all. Do it!!!

(SEE??? Look at that positive rating it already has!)

All right....

My SECOND recommendation is a little more involved. Yes, that's right -- I'm advising folks of adventurous minds to check out the musical album of a chick who I think is talented.

In this case, I'm referring to a sterling young ingenue by the name of Sunny Williams. You may remember her from such films as Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise, which I reviewed on this blog, like, a year ago or something. Yeah -- seems that, in addition to being an interesting actress, Sunny is also a musician.

Well, she's recorded an album, and I think it's worth drawing some attention to. Very simple material -- mostly just one gal with an acoustic guitar singin' about all kinds of stuff. Not Top 40 level content, obviously (much more low-key)...but the more I've listened to it, the more it gets me bobbing my head ever so slightly and even remembering the lyrics. Emotionally brave, witty, and lovingly crafted music over here, actually. Friends, I find The Ruins of My Mind to be a noteworthy little record, just like The Lake Effect is a noteworthy little film. It's the kind of thing that should be encouraged, damnit, and it would blow my mind to somehow cause it to sell one or two more copies just by writing about it here on Who Wants Taters.

(C'mon -- go for it. Click the link. You know you wanna....)

ANYway, if you're an open-minded music lover who is willing to spend five or eight bucks on something that's totally new, I'd ask that you give this young lady's album a chance. I hope she survives that L.A. dream she explores so honestly in the record. It's not bad at all. Go on, one or three of you -- check it out.

Besides, what else were you gonna buy that was so dang important???

(Well, OK then -- you're excused.)

But, TO THE REST OF YOU, I say do one of the two things I have recommended here today: Save The Lake Effect, or buy Sunny's album. It's good to support quality independent art.

Mkaythanx!

Anyway, I'll be back soon enough with my long-promised review of the sickest, saddest, film of recent years. In the meantime, have a good rest of August!

Back to my vacation....

b.

Stand By

2011-08-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

OK, friends....
I'm taking August off, pretty much. Big things to come soon after. Promise.

In the meantime, thanks to folks with kind words!

b.

My Time As A Casey Anthony Juror

2011-07-31T10:48:00.000-07:00

I know it's kind of old news at this point, but I thought I'd use this post to tell you all about MY experiences with the Casey Anthony trial....
Yeah, Casey Anthony. Her saga dominated the news media for a while there (you know, before the utter incompetence of the United States Congress became the big story). For those of you folks who aren't up to speed, here's a quick reminder:

22 year old Casey Anthony rose to national fame when her two year old daughter went missing back in 2008. It was a big mystery -- WHERE was Little Caley???

WELL, as it turns out, Little Caley was...you know...um, dead. Indeed, tragically, the girl's body was discovered, after a couple months of searching, not far from her home in Orlando, Florida. She had been murdered.

But, BY WHOM???

Yeah, it seems the ENTIRE WORLD got this crazy notion that Caley's mother, Casey, had been the culprit. Something to do with the fact that there was a ton of evidence to support the idea, and that Casey didn't bother to report her daughter missing for, like, a month after her supposed "disappearance."

Oh, and there was also that whole general consensus that Casey Anthony is kind of a sociopathic, compulsive liar and all.

So, Casey went on trial for murder in a media spectacle that rivaled even the OJ Simpson case. It seemed like a no-brainer; the deal was a slam dunk: Casey Anthony WAS GOING TO BE CONVICTED of killing her daughter.

...Right???

Well, not really. Actually, on July fifth of this year, Casey was acquitted in a verdict that shocked pretty much the entire country. The outrage that followed was intense -- people threatened to hunt her down and carry out vigilante justice themselves; Nancy Grace absolutely flipped her lid live on TV; the jurors who released Casey were harassed....It was pretty bad for those folks, man.

And I should know. I was one of them.

Yes, friends, now that the smoke has cleared, I think it's time for me to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, about my experience as a Casey Anthony juror.

I kept a detailed log of the entire journey (from pre-trial all the way to verdict), and perhaps the story would best be conveyed by simply posting excerpts from that. It's important for the world to know how things really went down, and I am committed to setting the record straight. So, without further ado, here are some entries from my Casey Anthony Diary.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY ONE....

May 19th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Hot damn, have I got a great idea!

Listen -- I heard about this crazy murder trial happening down in Florida that is PROBABLY going to involve sequestering some sort of super celebrity jury of 12 lucky men and women for, like, MONTHS ON END. The case has something to do with a psycho woman who killed her kids, or something. I dunno.

Anyway, the point is that the JURY in this thing is going to get one hell of a sweet deal. I mean, think about it: free food, free luxury hotel stay, free transportation, FREE booze (I would hope), lucrative book deals once the trial is over....This Casey Anthony (that's the chick's name) situation is going to be one hot ticket!

Definitely the sort of affair that's right up my alley, anyway.

So that's why I hightailed it down to Florida a couple weeks ago, got a fake ID, and immediately bribed a court clerk into placing my assumed name ("Raul Alfredo Gomez") into the jury pool. Selection's been going on all week, and BOY did I pull a number over on that judge today! He let the lawyers question me for about an hour regarding my qualifications to sit on the panel, and I TOTALLY had them going -- hook, line, and sinker (heh heh). Told 'em I had no prejudice about anyone involved in this case, and that, in fact, I had never even HEARD of it. They seemed really impressed. Suckers.

Anyway, that's why I started YOU, Diary! I want to keep a record of my experiences being a juror, as I'm feeling pretty confident they're gonna pick me. Hopefully, they will....

I'll keep you posted!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THREE....

May 21st, 2011

Dear Diary,

YES!!!

I found out today that I've been selected for the Casey Anthony jury. THIS IS AWESOME!!!

I've been doing a ton of internet research on the case, and have concluded that this woman is guilty as can be. Ought to be a real slam dunk of a trial. I think I'll sneak my Gameboy in there and just zone out during the testimony, and then try to drag out the deliberations as much as possible to prolong my little "vacation." :)

Oh man, is this ever going to be fun. Not only will I get to send a crazy, murderous freak to prison, but I'll also get to stay in a hotel for FREE, and maybe even be on TV!!!

Well, gotta go, Diary. I have to pack for my awesome (once again) FREE stay at a hotel.

Peace out!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY SEVEN....

May 25th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, here I am in my new digs at the Orlando, Florida Holiday Inn Express and, BOY, is this place swanky! It's WAAAAY nicer than the old, abandoned Motel Six that I was staying at over by the garbage dump. The Holiday Inn folks gave me a bunch of neat stuff, like towels, mouthwash, shaving cream, and even a QUEEN SIZED bed!!!

A few things about being sequestered DO, admittedly, suck, though.. For instance, the dumbass judge told us jurors that we can't have internet access or watch TV while we're in here. Can you believe that??? He said some crap about us not seeing media coverage of the trial or some such nonsense (pfffft). I asked him if I could AT LEAST order adult movies on Pay Per View, and he just looked at me for a minute before saying No. What a friggin' jerk this guy is turning out to be. I can tell already that we're not going to get along well.

But, on the bright side, my room's only on the second floor, which means I can sneak out if I jump down on to the roof a car parked below and suffer only minimal injuries. I've already done it twice -- both times to hit up the local bar scene. I impressed lots of women by telling them that I was on the Casey Anthony jury, and promising to "make sure the bitch fries." Some of them even bought me drinks!

As for the actual COURT PROCEEDINGS -- they're pretty darn boring, to be honest. I mostly just doodle. The judge caught me playing Sonic Advance 2 on my Gameboy Micro the other morning, and got REAL mad. Since he took it away, I've been forced to rely on my daydreams to get through the days. Not sure what the attorneys are talking about up there in their presentations, really. It's all Greek to me!

OH, by the way, here's something strange: Casey Anthony and I have been exchanging glances lately. I KNOW -- WEIRD, right???

I'll keep you posted on what happens with that.

Over and out.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY FOURTEEN....

June 1st, 2011

Dear Diary,

Long time, no write!

I guess that's because I've been too busy living it up here, in the lap of luxury, at the Orlando Holiday Inn (once again), FREE of charge!

I'm still sneaking out to hit the bars every night, and GUESS WHAT -- some lady gave me one of them little notebook computers with a wi-fi card so I could get internet back in my room. I snuck it in the other night, and in addition to downloading TONS of pr0n (hey, I'm a lonely man, OK?), I've been keeping online friends up to date on all the intimate details of the trial. Real behind-the-scenes stuff, you know?

However, that's not why I'm writing to you today. No sir, I've got to tell you about something EXTRAORDINARY that's happened:

Yesterday, as they were leading Casey into the courtroom, she walked past me and quickly dropped a note on to the floor in front of me. Here it is:

Hmmm. Not sure what to make of this.

...Although, I must admit, that she's looking a lot more "not guilty" to me lately, if you catch my drift. Heh heh.

OK, talk to ya later, Diary!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY TWENTY THREE....

June 24th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Man, this being a juror business is proving to be more trouble than I thought it would be.

The STUPID JERK judge figured out that I've been sneaking out of my hotel room at night, and threatened to declare the whole thing a mistrial if I don't shape up. That's got the other jurors all mad at me. They keep giving me dirty looks, and every time I doze off during testimony, one of them slaps the back of my head. Ouch!

And another problem I've been experiencing: I keep forgetting that my name here is SUPPOSED to be Raul, and not Andrew (remember the fake ID I got???). The others are starting to get suspicious of me because every time one of them says my "name", I don't react. Darnit. I've got to remember: Raul, Raul, RAUL....

Oh, and regarding the old love life -- Casey Anthony and I continue to exchange meaningful glances during trial (sometimes, she'll even lick her lips at me when no one is looking, which I really enjoy). I must confess that I'm finding myself a bit smitten with the girl. Hey, maybe she's not so bad, after all.

Anyway, gotta go. Have a good one, Diary!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY ONE....

July 1st, 2011

Dear Diary,

Oh, God.

Things are getting complicated.

I'll cut right to the chase: I am now convinced that Casey is in love with me, and I...I love her, too. There -- I said it. I just can't help myself!

And she dropped me this note yesterday:

Spelling error aside, I was overcome with joy to read this heartfelt message from my sweet, DEAR Casey Anthony.

It's affecting my view of the case. I tell, you she's being railroaded through the court system, man! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! This is all prosecutor BS, and I believe Casey to be innocent. She's been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and FRAMED by a system that just wants to BRING HER DOWN!!!

There is no way I will let this injustice continue.

(And also your front, if you know what I mean....)

Oh, and have I mentioned to you that I'm getting REEEEALY tired of being a juror??? Yes, I've learned that this whole racket isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance, the lack of cigarettes and booze is starting to make me feel positively crazy, and THAT JERK JUDGE is wearing on me worse than ever. I swear, he and the other jurors are out to get me.

Like, take what happened just yesterday, as we were ordering pizza for lunch. When I said that I wanted mushrooms on at least one of the pies, the others all disagreed with me, saying that they HATE mushrooms. And do you know what THE JUDGE did??? He said he was "overruling" me, and just ordered plain pepperoni pizzas for all of us. And to add insult to injury, everyone laughed at his little "joke"!!!

God, I hate that bastard.

Anyway, talk to you later.

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY SIX....

July 4th, 2011

Dear Diary,

Well, it's all over and done with -- the testimony in this dumb trial has ended, and I'm arguing with the other jurors about what verdict we should hand down.

They're all TOTALLY CONVINCED that Casey Anthony killed her daughter, so I've had a pretty steep hill to climb here. I keep telling them that it's not THEIR place to judge how a mother whose daughter has just gone missing should behave; I keep insisting that there's no REAL evidence!!!

SO WHAT if Casey went out partying and having promiscuous sex after Caley disappeared?

WHO CARES if she stole her friend's checking information to make lingerie purchases at Target with it??

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL if she falsely implicated a random Hispanic woman as being a nanny who kidnapped the little girl???

After much fighting, I've got the MEN on the jury all willing to acquit Casey, but the women jurors are another story. I guess that, as females, they're just too horrified by the very POSSIBILITY that a mother could do something like this.

Pfft. Women. Am I right here, Diary???

Anyway, my plan is to tell them that if they don't vote Not Guilty, we'll all have to sit through a totally new trial. I'm pretty sure that the court would actually use a different jury, but with any luck, I can convince these chicks otherwise. Hey, how would THEY know?

Wish me luck!

MY CASEY ANTHONY DIARY

DAY THIRTY SEVEN....

July 5th, 2011

Dear Diary,

SUCCESS!!!

I convinced ALL of the other jurors to change their votes, and now the verdict has been handed down. CASEY ANTHONY IS TO GO FREE!!!

I am so proud to have done my civic duty with integrity and distinction. Am I a great guy, or what???

Anyway, I've already been in contact with Casey, and she's to come live with me as soon as they release her from the jail. Can you believe that??? Dreams really CAN come true!

So, Diary....I guess this concludes our little friendship. There's nothing left to tell. I have done my job, and I have done it nobly.

I'll miss you, Diary.

Signing off,

Your Pal,

Andrew Green (AKA Raul Alfredo Gomez).

Ahem.

OK, friends here at Who Wants Taters. There you have it: the 100 percent TRUE story of my experience as a Casey Anthony juror, taken straight from my diary of the ordeal.

But, in case you're wondering what's happened since then, here's a quick rundown:

Casey DID come to live with me, and things are going...OK, I guess.

I mean, she made short work of maxing out all of my credit cards, and seems to enjoy partying at the local clubs more than she enjoys spending quality time with me...but, really, I can't blame her. Hey, considering all the trauma that she's been through, I suppose it's understandable that she'd want to cut loose a little.

Sometimes, I wake up to find that Casey has been staring at me as I sleep, which I admit can feel a little creepy. I mean, heck -- she's usually holding a knife when she does it, for God's sake! Sure, sure -- there's probably a reasonable explanation for such behavior, but I DO wonder....

Oh, and a look at my browser history also tells me that she's been Googling chloroform again, as well as "proper techniques for breaking a man's neck as he sleeps." When I asked her about those matters, she launched into some complex story about an Asian maid or something. I dunno; it didn't even make sense, so I let it go.

OK, OK -- so maybe I'll admit that I'm kind of...you know...a little scared.

But, hey, at least justice has been served, right?

Erm, in any event, here's a quick review of a film that Casey, for one, REALLY seemed to enjoy. A lot.

...Maybe even a little too much, if you ask me.

Senseless (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795463/

Netflix description:
Ambitious young businessman Elliott Gast (Jason Behr) is violently knocked off the corporate ladder when he's kidnapped by political terrorists, who torture him for crimes he unknowingly committed. What's worse, his torment is being streamed live online. An unwilling contestant in a sadistic reality show, Elliott fights for survival, hoping that someone in the home audience will come to his aid in this tense, probing thriller.

So, Senseless is one of them "torture porn" movies that has become so popular lately. You know -- a film about someone being horrifically battered, bashed, and sliced, without much beyond that in the plot department.

Usually, I resent such motion pictures, believing them to be cheap. I mean, how many Hostel and Saw rip-offs does the world really need???

STILL, Senseless is among the better entries to this genre. It's about a businessman who gets kidnapped by a group of radical Eastern Europeans, angry that the American corporate class has decimated their own country's chances at economic success.

And here's the clincher: Over the course of a several-week confinement, these terrorists torture the dude by removing body parts needed for the major senses. For instance, first they cut off the tips of his fingers (touch); then, they cut off part of his tongue (taste)....Later, of course, comes severe damage to his nose (smell), ears (hearing), and finally, his eyes (sight). WILL he escape these madmen before they take every last sense he has???

(Senseless, 2008. Not to be confused with this steaming pile of crap from 1995.)

Look, I only enjoyed this movie because it was fairly well made, and yes, it does have a bit of an intriguing political message.

See, Senseless actually manages to create a genuine atmosphere of suspense by making us wonder if our hero will somehow walk out of his prison with so much as one eye left. Sure, he may be a corporate looter, but even I would feel bad for him if the terrorists managed to totally complete their torture mission.

And there's the whole global economics thing -- I, for one, am NOT a fan of things like free trade at all, so I KIND OF could MAYBE sympathize with our villains a little here....

Really, Senseless is a pretty high-grade torture porn film. If you're in the market for this sort of thing, you could do a lot worse.

3 out of 5.

PS -- I'll be back soon with yet another torture movie -- perhaps even the most disturbing piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. So, THERE'S something for you to look forward to!

Peace.

b.

Reading Is Fundamental

2011-07-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hey, just for the heck of it, here's a PRO TIP....
The following site can serve as an excellent source for great reading materials to fill your summer list:

http://awfullibrarybooks.info

Seriously. Check out this little gem of an archive for hours of entertainment and education. You can't go wrong with this collection of fantastic entries to 80s and 90s public school libraries. Let's check out a few examples of the kinds of literature that I really do distinctly remember from my own elementary school "media center" back in the day....

Ah, nothing like a good instructional book to keep you up to date on the latest pop culture trends. I recommend this book to all folks looking to have fun, cut a rug, AND be "groovy."

Wait. Was "groovy" the right word to use by the time the disco era arrived???

Eh, who cares? Not even I am that old. Let's move on....

Yes, this important and groundbreaking novel is actually a good representation of approximately 50 percent of all the dreams I have.

...Or, are they more like "nightmares"? It depends on your interpretation, I guess. I mean, this book could either be about the sexual harassment of flight attendants, OR it could be about one woman's courageous battle against an army of marauding, airborne dildos. Take your pick (at least I know how I read into it).

Anyway....

Hey, look -- it's ME when I was a kid...only my name wasn't Jake Drake, and I never had a teacher that hot. Oh, and clever placement of a bar code (no doubt intentional, on the part of an enterprising and very bored librarian) makes the description here all the more apt. Five stars, kudos, and huzzah!

OK, what's next?

Oh man, this one brings back memories...specifically, of the most awkward conversation I ever had with my dad: when he tried to tell me about the birds and the bees. I was about 13, and he cornered me. Couldn't be avoided. Really, I must admit now, after years of therapy, that the fact he was shouting the whole time while pointing his finger in my face really wasn't helpful at all.

...UNlike this image from a straight-talking book on eating disorders:

You know, to be honest, this chick really doesn't LOOK like she's bulimic.

But, hey -- at least she has good taste in music, right? Besides, what we can't see here are the dozens of jars of vomit she's got stacked on the floor just out of frame (I cropped them out, for the sake of decency). We can laugh at her all we want, but I tell you, this girl was COMMITTED to her cause.

Either way, the publication from which that particular image was taken was a valuable read, no doubt about it. I bet it helped many a wayward and confused 80s teenage girl. So stop smirking, you insensitive jerks.

What's next?

Holy crap. This one raises a variety of questions. I mean, look at the title! What duck shack? Hey (going even deeper), can you describe, please, what was contained in its corresponding agreement?? And, um, WHO WAS INVOLVED???

Oh yeah, by the way...not to nitpick here, but...WHAT IS A DUCK SHACK?!?

I've got to get my hands on this novel, as I am simply creeped out by the whole, darn, mysterious concept.

Ahem.....

Hey, hey -- shortly after we saw the childhood Andrew, we get to see a pretty darn accurate (in fact, 100 percent accurate) representation of Yours Truly TODAY.

Cool! I'd definitely read that one.

Moving on....

OK, now this here is a book I'm sure many of us bloggers could really use. Why in the world did it ever go out of print?

Four more entries to go:

Man, this is a heartbreaking one. That poor child feels like an outcast just because of a silly difference in physical appearance??? So sad. Someone ought to tell him that being black in an all-white neighborhood is NOTHING be ashamed of.

...Although he really shouldn't be throwing fruit around like that. It's reckless, and I disapprove. What if he hits the wheelchair chick with his apple, and she crashes into a telephone pole, or something? I dunno. I mean, hey -- it could happen!

However, I should ALSO point out that she's taking up entirely too much space on the sidewalk, rudely forcing the black kid to walk on the grass, which very well might amount to trespassing in some communities. Unfair on many levels here, really. Let's face it -- ALL of these people are jerks.

Next!

Exactly what the nation's school libraries need: a hard-hitting, unauthorized book about supergroup Hanson. I can only imagine the important information contained within its pages.

You know, I must admit, I could never decide which one was cooler -- the girl on the left, or the girl in the middle. But, anyway....

What's on deck?

EUREKA!!! This is precisely the book I've been looking for all these years. Heck, I've asked friends and family to get me something like this for Christmas over and over again, with no luck. I mean, I realize that I am not a Canadian secretary, but I have always wished I could be one. The problem, of course, is that I was never able to locate the appropriate literature to teach me HOW to make that difficult transition. Ironic how the one thing I've always wanted would turn up on a random website like that.

OK. Let's move on to our closer for the day.

For the win....

Hey, remember earlier in this post when I identified one entry as a good representation of 50 percent of my dreams??? Well, this one, oddly enough, actually represents THE OTHER 50 percent. I dunno if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Anyway, the point is that http://awfullibrarybooks.info is one darn funny website, with TONS of such enlightening entries. As my pal David Wong said, there are some real gems to be found there. Oh and, needless to say, all of the book covers I posted here came directly from that site.

I'll be back in the coming days with a review of a heartwarming film about...well...a guy being tortured.

Have a fine day.

b.

Dollar Tree Adventures

2011-07-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned The Dollar Tree on this blog before....
It's one of the greatest stores in the world. EVERYTHING there costs exactly one dollar (none of this funny business of calling the place a dollar store while having items that are really priced for more), and you can actually find some real gems on its shelves. Seriously -- books, cleaning products, food (80 percent of my groceries are purchased at The Dollar Tree), toys, and even movies wind up there. AWESOME!

Anyway, I just wanted to make a quick post to tell you folks about four really neat things I picked up at The Dollar Tree yesterday. Excellent deals here, friends.

To start off, I got two DVDs, each for just one dollar (of course). Check this out:

The first one is a documentary called Heckler. Featuring interviews with such noted comedians as Bill Maher, Lewis Black, Dave Attell, and Maria Bamford, this film explores the phenomenon of heckling someone -- usually a stand-up comic -- and goes even further, examining why critics can so often be MEAN, in general. Hey, there's some fascinating and hilarious insight here, not only from the comedians, but also from other celebrities, including Carrie Fisher, Henry Winkler, and Uwe Boll. Their thoughts and stories can be surprisingly interesting!

Heckler is really a project of Jamie Kennedy, who apparently got so frustrated by the nastiness of some of the reviews for his movies Son of the Mask and Malibu's Most Wanted that he wanted to confront the critics head-on. Sure, he comes across as somewhat thin-skinned at times, but as someone who considers himself a connoisseur of both stand-up comedy AND film criticism, I found Heckler to be quite entertaining. Certainly not for everyone, but without question worth my while, anyway....

3 out of 5.

And DVD Number 2 is one of them compilation deals I'll occasionally write about. You know -- like, when some company collects a bunch of old public domain movies and sticks them on one disk? Yeah, it's one of those.

This particular selection is comprised of eight classic gangster movies, packed into one handy package. Mmmmyeah, that's right, see -- GANGSTER MOVIES. Start squawkin', ya dame!!!

Although the films included in this compilation are, on the whole, pretty crappy, the fact that they're so cliche makes them oddly charming. Consider the price, and this bad boy is certainly worth the investment. I fell asleep last night to the comforting sounds of blaring horn music and classic movie mafia guys engaging in high-speed shootouts with police. How can you go wrong with a value like this???

Here are the mobster flicks included:

--Escape By Night
--Gang Bullets
--Gangster's Boy
--The Racketeer
--Baby Face Morgan
--Boss of Big Town
--Gangs, INC.
--Lady Gangster

Lots of fun.

3 out of 5.

(How mobsters used to talk.)

OK, and the final submissions I have today are actually foods. Lookie -- it's coconut sugar cookies and Rice Krispy Treats!

The "Crispy Rice Squares" are thoroughly respectable iterations of the classic Rice Krispy Treat recipe. Unlike most imitations of this item, they're not too soft (as the woefully disappointing Little Debbie versions are), and there's five in a one dollar box, which is a good deal.

The coconut sugar cookies, though, are the REAL winner here. You get eight individually wrapped bundles of ten cookies in the overall package. Considering that Dollar Tree cookies along these lines usually contain six bundles of four cookies, this is an incredible deal. And, the bonus??? --The cookies are excellent, easily rivaling any coconut sugar snacks one could find for a higher price anywhere. You can bet these suckers will be a staple of my lunch satchel if they remain a part of the standard Dollar Tree inventory moving forward.

And that's why I declare these Global Foods Sugar Sprinkled Coconut Cookies to be the Snack of the Month!!!

OK, well...there's my weekend, in a nut shell. exciting stuff, I know....

Later!

b.

Who Forgives God?

2011-07-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned the other day that I recently saw a film called The Rapture, and that it deeply affected me....
It was one of those occasional movies that just seems to get my mind racing. It's impossible to predict when this will happen, but sometimes, I'll just stumble across a motion picture that REALLY gets into my head. I'll walk around the room, sort of debating it with myself until four in the morning; I'll imagine that it had been MY movie; I'll identify little things that might be different about it if that had been the case....Hey, I'll even watch the director's commentary with great interest. Yes. I can get pretty obsessed with things when the mood strikes.

It's fun and enlightening to apply this level of analysis to a film because doing so almost always leads one to discover SOOO much more about it, and the process behind it, than one would assume with a mere casual viewing. I will now and then find it fascinating to listen to a director's commentary and find out just how intricately-conceived his or her project really was. For instance, I thought it was really interesting to learn from the commentary to The Rapture (which is excellent, by the way) that for two months prior to its shooting, director Michael Tolkin banned star Mimi Rogers from ever saying "Please" or "Thank you." Yeah, it seems Mimi is normally a very nice, polite sort of person, and that quality didn't fit so well with the nature of her character in the movie, so Tolkin wanted to get her to an appropriate emotional place before they even arrived on set. Random and seemingly minor factoid, I know, but a multitude of little things like that, all adding up, will enrich the final product and make it a more effective experience without the audience having the slightest clue.

There is so much more that goes into a good movie than most viewers could ever even imagine.

So, yeah -- I got REALLY into The Rapture, and must now provide my promised review. SPOILER: I give it five stars.

(Ebert liked it, too.)

Here goes.

The Rapture (1991)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102757/

Netflix description:
Needing meaning in her empty life, promiscuous Sharon (Mimi Rogers) becomes a born-again Christian. But when an apparent apocalypse nears and God demands Sharon perform an Abraham-like sacrifice, she makes a choice that could change her life forever. What will become of her husband, Randy (David Duchovny), her daughter and her devotion to her chosen religion? Michael Tolkin directs his own screenplay.

Well, The Rapture is about a promiscuous swinger named Sharon (Mimi Rogers) who becomes a born again Christian and utterly loses her mind. The results are tragic, profound, and ultimately, shocking.

Sharon has a slightly creepy boyfriend of sorts (Patrick Bauchau), and when we meet them, their favorite hobby is hooking up with other couples for wild sex parties in various Los Angeles area bars, etc. Hey, that's a perfectly noble pursuit, and I certainly see nothing wrong with it. In fact, I fully support and admire those who choose to engage in such activities!

And, oddly enough, I think the whole lifestyle-of decadent-sex concept behind our heroine was, for me, actually when the first seeds of horror in The Rapture were planted. I found the very thought of a sultry, promiscuous woman suddenly getting born again to be incredibly depressing from the get-go. Heck, they probably could have just ended the movie right there, and I would have been horrified. Sorry, but it's a sad day when a horny woman goes holy....

In the case of The Rapture, though, our woman-in-question's conversion is all the worse. She's so sexy, it's a downright TRAGIC loss to the slut community that she gets saved.

(Look, I mean that word in the best, most respectful, possible way, OK?)

Oh, and not to get too sidetracked here, but boy, is Mimi Rogers ever perfect for this role in that regard (among others). She just inherently OOZES sexiness, without even needing to try. Seriously -- there's a quality to this actress that is fundamentally seductive and womanly in an instinctive, sort of evolutionary way that surrounds her at all times like a divine aura. It's intrinsic, and cannot be taught. Such sultriness is worlds apart from the usual kind of "hotness" I've talked about a million times on this blog before. For instance, I might think that, say, Kristin Bell or Milla Jovovich or Zooey Deschanel are "hot"; but what they've got is NOT the same as what someone like Mimi Rogers has. I mean, Mimi would emit a sexual energy just by standing around reading the Yellow Pages, for goodness sake. What a woman!

Anyway....

As I was saying, Sharon may have a lot of fun with her late night indiscretions, but it's only fleeting; she's still a fundamentally lost person. Incapable of REALLY connecting with another human being or feeling fulfilled, Sharon is secretly just kind of drifting along and hoping for some answers. That's when The Cult comes in. See, she happens to overhear some zealot coworkers one day talking in whispered tones about dreams they've had concerning the apocalypse. Seems they're followers of some hot new modern prophet -- a young boy with incredible insight into the intentions of God -- who is predicting the End of Days. Sharon sort of scoffs at the gullibility of these folks, but there's a sad, longing look in her eyes when she does so that tells us she's actually somewhat intrigued (if reluctantly). A process of growing interest then unfolds, and one more encounter with a couple of proselytizers not long after that propels her into a full-blown religious fervor.

Sharon's awakening is swift and severe. She's laying in bed one night with yet another boyfriend, and suddenly jumps up ranting about the Bible and a newfound need to "cleanse" herself. The boyfriend is named Randy (David Duchnovny) , and he's an even more dedicated libertine than Sharon is, so of course he opposes her wild notions of a higher being and decision to submit to it. Yet, he's a little bit different from many others of his ilk in that he actually has a well-thought out philosophy: Randy tells Sharon that born again Christians are merely people who got lost and are now seeking satisfaction by replacing one addiction with another. -- That's PRECISELY what I've always said!!!

Hey, I was glad to hear someone in a mainstream forum come out and put it like that.

(Sorry, sorry. I'm actually not against religious people at all. Just read on, OK?)

ANYway, long story short, Sharon eventually finds a way to convince Randy to accept her new faith and they marry (basically, it boils down to the fact that he just plain LOVES her and is willing to make huge sacrifices as a result). The film then skips ahead several years, and we find the couple living comfortably in the suburbs, still super devout, and with a lovely young daughter. Seems like everything's worked out great for those crazy kids, huh?

Well, not really.

OK, OK, OK. Look, I don't want to spoil anything beyond this point by telling you many plot details, but the long and short of it is that Sharon winds up convinced God is planning The Rapture -- the day when He unleashes the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and true believers are automatically lifted into Heaven -- for, like, any minute now. Sharon gets this powerful vision, absolutely accepts it, and takes her little girl out into the desert to wait for The Man Upstairs to send for them.

What happens after that makes for some of the most horrifying, thought-provoking, emotionally-draining, and downright mindblowing drama that I have ever seen in any film, ever. The last 15 minutes of The Rapture, in particular, hit me like a bus -- TOTALLY unexpected, and really, defining the entire film. Had this movie ended another way, it merely would have been GOOD; but Michael Tolkin, out of nowhere, takes it in a direction so audacious that I honestly broke into tears when the screen finally faded to black and the credits scrolled by in absolute, unbearably eery, silence. I'm STILL struggling with what happened -- it's just so brazen and psychologically jarring that I remain utterly blown away. Friends, I believe that The Rapture goes places where no motion picture had previously dared.

And, with that final sequence, the entire darn experience was put into perspective. This movie is truly inspired; it is SPECIAL.

Performances across the board are top notch -- especially from Mimi Rogers, who as I've previously noted, flat out deserved an Academy Award for this film. I had never given Rogers much thought at all before this, as she's generally overlooked as an actress and is mostly just renown for having married Tom Cruise, but now, I'm a sincere fan. In The Rapture, Mimi is positively genius, conveying a range of nuanced emotions with little more than a distant gaze, going from lethargic to manic with an ease that at no point strikes one as even remotely forced or contrived. Her Sharon is a tragic figure with whom we can sympathize, even when she commits the most unthinkable acts. This is a talented, brilliant actress we're dealing with here! Why in the world isn't Mimi Rogers more famous???

(OK, so maybe this is a partial explanation for why she didn't hit the A-List. But whatever.)

The Rapture boldly grapples with serious questions about faith in a manner that, I believe, is neither insulting to those who have it, nor preachy to those who don't. Sure, plenty of the more hardline Christian types will feel instantly offended by this movie, most likely turning it off before it's even halfway through, but they're the dumb ones who aren't really interested in serious philosophical exploration, and therefore, aren't worth including in the discussion. You know, even though I personally have no first hand understanding of what REAL faith actually is, I find the concept of it to be interesting and think that, if one DOES, in fact, have true faith, he or she should feel no reluctance about delving into its nature. While The Rapture certainly strives to challenge faith (often with abrasive frankness), it does so in a thoughtful and even-handed manner which open minded folks of all stripes ought to welcome.

What does it mean to REALLY BELIEVE SOMETHING, at the very core of your being, regardless of all evidence and/or doubt against it? How does it feel to simply have an idea in your heart that will never be shaken, in spite of all circumstances, because YOU'RE JUST SO SURE of it?? And, if you make the firm decision to stick with and commit to that premise, IS IT REALLY AS SILLY to do so as the skeptics would assume??? I mean, we're talking GOD here, man! If He really is what they say He is, then He doesn't have to explain or prove a damn thing to any of us, now does He?

I think The Rapture poses these questions. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I walked away from my 12 screenings in three days with the conclusion that this film is at least addressing the concept: God only wants you to believe in Him, and He will not meet you halfway on any of your bullcrap doubts, either. That's kind of THE POINT -- to get the rewards that the Head Honcho in the Sky promises, you just simply have to accept it and expect nothing else.

Fascinating, and occasionally dangerous, philosophical territory...but entirely worth exploring. I mean, look -- as noted, I personally have no faith whatsoever, and can't imagine that ever changing (despite having been raised as a proper Polish Catholic); but I honestly do not look down on folks who do. I understand, in an academic sense, why they believe, and have no trouble with it. In fact, I can't even call myself an "atheist" because I'm so irritated by the arrogance of many of those who identify themselves as such. Like, Bill Maher, for example. --While I do love most things about him, I also think he can be a real a-hole when he starts mocking religious people and calling them insane/stupid/whatever. Just shut up, Bill. You're going too far.

Listen, If you've got faith, I say that's great! I ACCEPT that, and will never insult you for it (well, assuming you don't want to infringe upon my freedoms by imposing your religion's rules on everyone else's personal behavior, in which case we'll be duking it out with gloves off). That is, at the end of the day, I think the great Voltaire said it best when he opined, "May the man who has the most goats also have the most--"

Huh??? OH...uh, sorry. Didn't mean to go off on a tangent there.

So, yeah -- The Rapture....

It's a film that deftly raises all of these profound issues in a mature, often brazen manner, and I am convinced it deserves the deepest of accolades. I mean, this here motion picture excels in all conceivable measures of quality while presenting a shockingly revolutionary premise which I TOTALLY didn't see coming in the end. Its story arch, its character development...hell, every single shot -- all are deliberately crafted with the skill of an honest to goodness artist. As I said in a previous post, I SOOOO WISH this had been my movie. Even though it's largely forgotten and passed through theaters with little fanfare upon its release, I would have died satisfied in the knowledge I had once made a movie that does what The Rapture does....

Few films are so artistically bold, folks. I mean, I don't want to hype it up TOO MUCH, but the truth is that I have not been this stimulated, engaged, and impressed by any picture in a long, long time. The Rapture is one of the best movies I have ever seen.

Watch it. You will serve yourself well by experiencing this original, brave, and deeply unsettling film.

5 out of 5.

b.

Fanboys

2011-06-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

I've never really been too hardcore of a fan for anything....
I mean, I guess I've been a lifelong fan of Nintendo and, yes, I've gone as far to as to argue with people online over the company's merits; but I don't, for instance, necessarily know a lot of obscure Big N trivia, and I certainly don't run out and buy every game it releases (not by a long shot), as some dudes do. I just kind of like em, you know?

So, could I be classified as a Nintendo FANBOY, per se???

In my opinion, not really.

(OK, so maybe I'm more than just a casual admirer....)

Other than that, I guess I've always lacked the ability to get so TOTALLY into something that I learn as much about it as possible and devote a great deal of time to its study (OK, there WAS, admittedly, that unhealthy obsession I had a few years back with Keira Knightley, but let's not count that).

Anyway, look -- I've got MULTIPLE interests to pursue here; I'm a busy man! I simply cannot be spending all my time getting all into one specific thing, as that requires far more discipline and dedication than I am capable of mustering. Hey, someone with MY attention span is barely able to write a lousy blog entry, let alone stay a consistently devoted fan of something specific!

Yet, I actually kind of admire folks who can get all gung ho about a particular TV show, movie series, or video game. I've dealt with nerds along those lines in the past, and struggled to fit in with them. I want to be a part of their community. Yes, I admit it -- there have been times in my life when I seriously couldn't even fit in with NERDS. Believe me, I tried.

I remember in the ninth grade, there was this dude named Dan in my English class. Since I was a loser on every conceivable level, I liked Dan because he was actually willing to talk to me. However, our friendship never really blossomed, as it turned out that Dan was SUPER into Japanese animation and PC gaming.

Sure, I made an attempt to understand and enjoy those things as much as he did, but simply couldn't get into them. In fact, I went as far as to pretend to Dan that I had a grasp on computer technology (still very new at that time, around 1994), even though I didn't, and only succeeded in screwing up my dad's brand new HP machine trying to install a copy of Wolfenstein that Dan had given me. Dad was REALLY mad about that, and I didn't mess with a computer again for another four years or so....

And then there was the Japanamation (now most commonly known as Anime) problem. Dan loaned me several videotapes of Japanese cartoons, and no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't find them all that enjoyable to watch. Sure, there was some perverted nudity in some of these flicks, but that was really the only point of interest for me, and there wasn't enough of it to keep me sufficiently engaged. The inescapable truth was that, at that time in my life, I was really only interested in listening to Nirvana and ogling girls; I was totally unable to hang with Dan, and we drifted apart pretty quick.

So, when I see a movie like the one I'm about to discuss, I feel an odd sense of longing. I WISH I could roll with the sorts of dudes depicted here. Yes, I know it's pathetic, but it would be nice to feel I belong to a group like theirs, even they're if all a bunch of total losers.

Sigh....

Fanboys (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489049/

Netflix description:
They've waited years for the release of Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace. But when one of their own discovers he's terminally ill, a group of pals embarks on a road trip to Skywalker Ranch to steal the long-anticipated film. Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel and Kristin Bell star in director Kyle Newman's labor of geek love featuring cameos from Star Wars alums Billy Dee Williams, Carrie Fisher and Ray Park.

Indeed, Fanboys is about a group of four hardcore freaks (circa 1995) who make a road trip to the home of George Lucas in a bid to break in and screen his latest entry to the Star Wars series, sight unseen. These guys are REALLY desperate....

But there's a good reason for it: one of them is dying. Yeah, one of these total Star Wars nerds has some sort of horrible disease, and he's likely to expire before Episode I actually gets a theatrical release. That's why the group decides to go as far as commit B&E just to see a stupid movie. Linus (the sick one) has waited years to see the new Star Wars, and now he's just gonna DIE a few months before it comes out??? Funk DAT!

So, yeah -- they all take an epic road trip out to California (or wherever) to the George Lucas ranch so that Linus can check it out before he kicks the bucket. Along the way, our hapless heroes run into a variety of ridiculous situations that all somehow tie into one nerd interest or another. Let's see, they get into a fight with a bunch of Trekkies; they get a beat down from a Star Wars obsessed mechanic; they run into William Shatner, Carrie Fisher, and Billy Dee Williams....Pretty wink-wink-nudge-nudge stuff, really.

Now, I know that Fanboys got almost universally negative reviews, and I can certainly understand why. It's simply not a motion picture for everyone. STILL, I found this film to be an absolute hoot with a lot of heart.

The inside geek jokes simply don't stop, and delightful cameos abound. From Kevin Smith to Seth Rogan to Danny Trejo, they're just unrelenting. Even though I am not a nerd of the caliber that this film aims to please, I beamed widely several times as I watched the absurd action unfold in Fanboys. It all made me (oddly enough) very happy.

And I learned an important lesson from Fanboys, too: Kristen Bell is insanely, ridiculously, hot. I mean, WOW. This woman is a national treasure. She plays the (extremely) unlikely girlfriend of one of our nerd heroes, and I sat with wide eyes glued to her every scene. Friends, Kristen Bell is so hot that it boggles the mind. She is so hot that it caused me to question the very fabric of the universe. She is so hot that I wish she'd appear in more movies that I'd be interested in seeing. Va va VOOM, Miss Bell!

Anyway, the plot of Fanboys may be over the top, but whatever. I mean, this here is a dork fantasy, OK??? FANTASY. It's SUPPOSED to be unrealistic!

I really enjoyed this little movie. Geek performances across the board are charming, and I even felt a slight twitch of emotion at the end when we learn that, indeed, Linus has died (oops -- I forgot to say SPOILER). This whole experience is a joyous celebration of the culture I've never been able to fully penetrate. I, personally, exist on the fringes of extreme nerddom, but find it to be highly intriguing. Fanboys gave me a nice introduction into some of the more absurd aspects of that sort of life.

If you have any sympathy at all for geeks, I recommend Fanboys. It is a triumph of all things Loser. Check this one out, whydonchya?

4 out of 5.

b.

Hypnosis

2011-06-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

I've never understood hypnosis....
I mean, the entire CONCEPT -- it has to be total crap. It just HAS to be.

C'mon. Think about it: are we REALLY to believe that someone can make another person pass out and forfeit all personal will just by talking softly and counting backwards??? That's ridiculous!

Yet, the idea of hypnosis permeates our culture; people just accept it as a REAL THING. We can see examples of hypnosis in countless stories, and no one questions it. Well, I, for one, call B.S.

Hey, if it were really possible to hypnotize people, then the practice would have destroyed us all by now. Political despots and psychotic ne'er-do-wells of all stripes would be employing the art of hypnosis to bend others to their will on a MASSIVE scale. We'd all be zombies, doing the bidding of the master hypnotists who'd happen to control the mainstream media. They'd use television, movies, and radio to strip us of our independent thoughts; we'd be mere pawns in their sick game without even realizing it!

And, CLEARLY, that is not the case.

...Right?

Look. I remember, one time, when I was a senior in high school, my psychology teacher had a so-called hypnotist come and speak to our class as a special presentation. See, Mr. Ruth (the teacher) had made a deal with us students: behave yourselves in class, and you'll get some reward. It COULD be a pizza party; it COULD be a visit from a professional hypnotist....

Well, we DID (somehow) manage to behave ourselves all semester and, in the end, the class got to vote on its reward: hypnotist, or pizza party. I voted for the pizza, but sadly, my classmates overrode my opinion by a large margin, and picked the stupid, shyster hypnotist.

SO, this dude comes to our class one day, and gives a little speech. He tells us about the mysterious, ancient science of hypnotizing people. He makes wild claims; he promises to WOW us all. I was highly skeptical. Yet, the rest of my class was all excited and interested.

Mr. Fancy Pants Hypnotist then attempted to deliver on his promise to hypnotize everyone in the room. He spoke softly and deliberately, instructing all of us kids to relax and clear our minds. The process unfolded; I resisted....

At the end of his little routine, he snapped his fingers, and, as commanded, the ENTIRE CLASS went unconscious at once.

Except for me.

(Me, that day.)

I sat there, totally alert, and deeply suspicious of what was transpiring around me. I couldn't believe how weak-minded and trusting my classmates were. Such fools to allow themselves to be manipulated like that!

And worst of all was that my girlfriend, Heather, had also fallen under this man's spell. There she was, the high school sweetheart I'd spent TWO YEARS of my life with, totally allowing herself to be bent to the dirty liar's will. She sat next to me, head fallen to her shoulder, utterly under the hypnotist's control. I resented her for that, to be honest; I thought she was BETTER than all that jazz....

Anyway, the hypnotist then began calling various members of the class to come up and stand next to him. He had different, hypnotized, kids do a number of silly things, like dance around, or pretend they were at the beach. Everyone else in the crowd simply laughed at the shenanigans unfolding before us (apparently, one could be hypnotized while still remaining aware of his or her surroundings on some weird level). I, for one, just sat there in disgust, shocked that this little routine seemed to be actually working on sentient beings. As far as I could judge, everyone had to be just playing along -- NO WAY this display could be for real.

But then, things got worse.

See, the hypnotist called up my previously-mentioned sweetheart, Heather. He had her come to the front of the class, in her supposedly-hypnotized state, ready to do anything he instructed.

Grrr....

Mr. Hypnotist man instructed Heather to pretend that she was at a health club. "Do some aerobics!" he ordered. And Heather complied.

Everyone in class laughed as she ran in place, did crunches, and stretched. Pretty funny, I guess...UNTIL, that is, the dear girl started doing jumping jacks.

Now, listen -- Heather was NOT a "slutty" girl, OK? She did NOT show herself off to others; she was NOT easy to get "in the sack" (boy, believe me on that point); and she certainly did NOT dress provocatively.

HOWEVER, on this particular day (as it happened), she was wearing a shirt that, if manipulated in juuuuuuust the right way, could very well leave certain parts of her...well..."exposed."

In short, I'm saying that she had on a loose cotton top that would reveal her boobs if she were to do something like, say, jump up and down with no regard for the consequences.

And that's precisely what happened.

Yeah, Heather started doing jumping jacks, and sure enough, OUT popped one of her boobs.

The hypnotist apparently didn't notice and, I guess, neither did Heather. But I sure as heck did, and I'm pretty sure the other guys in the class did, as well. I mean, these were teenage boys -- how could they NOT notice something like that?

I was enraged. However, not wanting to create a scene by running up to the front of the class to cover up my girlfriend, I instead shot the hypnotist the absolute DIRTIEST look I've ever shot anyone in my entire life. Blatantly aggressive; shockingly hostile. Wordlessly, I attempted to convey to that man a very specific message, which was something along these lines:

"You son of a bitch. I swear to God, I will KILL you for this...."

The demonstration ended, and no one ever mentioned the Heather-Exposed Incident. The hypnotist did not acknowledge it; Mr. Ruth was seemingly unaware; my classmates made no comments; and Heather, when I brought it up to her later, had no recollection of it having occurred. She swore up and down that the hypnosis had, in fact, been a REAL thing. She insisted to me that she felt no personal control over her actions while under, and that she had no idea she was being shamefully displayed to a room full of people.

Now, this was a person I fully TRUSTED. Yet, the questionable nature of what had just transpired left me in a state of doubt. WOULD this beautiful, sweet, individual I knew and loved so dearly allow herself to be caught up like everyone else in the LIE that was hypnosis? I mean, I hadn't been hypnotized; why had she???

To this day, I have my reservations. Would it really have been possible for EVERYONE else in a class of 30-plus people to just "play along" with the the hypnosis myth? Could the whole scenario REALLY have been some sort of weird, mass hysteria situation? Was everyone just pretending???

I say YES.

Indeed, even now, over ten years later, I simply cannot believe that hypnosis is a real thing. After all, why didn't it work on ME that one time? And if hypnosis is NOT a scam, then think of all the horrifying applications the dark art could have. Are YOU willing to trust your thoughts and actions to such a bizarre practice???

The whole concept is too frightening and nonsensical to be a possibility.

Friends, I maintain that hypnosis is a lie. And I refuse to accept that anyone's mind could so easily be manipulated.

That bastard hypnotist from Mr. Ruth's 12th grade psychology class was a scam artist. And Heather was just a LIAR!!!

Ahem. OK, OK. I apologize for that. Totally inappropriate, and I take it back. Sorry.

Hey, let's see if a zombie movie can calm my jealous nerves....

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096071/

Netflix description:
Anthropologist Dennis Alan (Bill Pullman) goes to Haiti in search of a mysterious voodoo powder that turns the living into semi-conscious zombies. But as Alan comes closer to unlocking the mystical drug, natives turn his life into a nightmare. He enlists the help of a doctor (Cathy Tyson), but their smarts are hardly a match for the black magic they're up against. Horror master Wes Craven directs this creepy tale based on a novel by Wade Davis.

So, The Serpent and the Rainbow is a Wes Craven film about a scientist who gets caught up in the crazy world of Haitian zombies. You know -- the whole Voodoo thing. Yeah, that's the path that this particular zombie flick follows.

So, our hero is a guy named Dennis (Bill Pullman). He works for some pharmaceutical company that has hit on the idea of using Haitian zombie drugs as a new form of surgical anesthesia. See, (as we all already know) Haitian witch doctors can make someone SEEM dead by administering to them a powder that stops their breathing, heartbeat, etc....Well, these wizards at an American drug company for which Dennis works think that it would be a good idea to use that process during routine procedures to reduce the incidence of anesthetic fatalities. Brilliant!

So, Dennis heads down to Haiti, and finds hooks up with a hot female doctor who has connections to the seedy subculture of Voodoo zombification. He also establishes contact with a friendly, mob boss sort of dude who looks, oddly enough, exactly like the Reverend Jesse Jackson....

(What me interviewing Jesse Jackson might look like.)

Dennis soon runs afoul of the Haitian mafia, and risks getting zombified himself. CAN he escape this crazy island without getting killed? WILL he manage to unravel the mysteries of Voodoo zombie science?? WHY did Wes Craven even bother making this uninspired film???

Indeed, The Serpent and the Rainbow may be vaguely interesting in that it explores classic Haitian zombie mythos but, really, that's nothing that a million other flicks didn't delve into during the 1970s. I mean, there have been countless movies that took the same approach to the undead that this one did and, even IF The Serpent and the Rainbow is well-made, it is simply unoriginal. You can find this take on the world of zombies in SOOO many other places, friends.

Then again, we've got some strong suspense here, and a handful of interesting characters. Plus, the idea of taking Voodoo science and applying it to the realm of modern medicine is, admittedly, somewhat intriguing. After all, real world pharmaceutical companies would no doubt LOVE to have zombie powder. Think of all the applications!

Fairly well-acted, and slightly thought-provoking, The Serpent and the Rainbow is, by no means, a BAD movie (heck, in the zombie genre, one could do a whole lot worse). I'm just saying that this film has been largely forgotten for a reason:

It's simply nothing special.

Indeed. Why not devote your Netflix rental to a motion picture that gets the juices flowing a little stronger? I can name, like, 47 of them off the top of my head. The Serpent and the Rainbow is OK; it's just not all that interesting.

Only watch if you're really desperate.

3 out of 5.

b.

On TV

2011-06-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually much of a "TV guy"....
I mean, sure -- I'll buy that television shows can be totally compelling and artistically legitimate, and, in a vague way, I also understand why some folks get all into stuff like Madmen or CSI (or whatever). You know, it's not like I look down on TV. It's just that I lack the ability to COMMIT to a series in the way that other people do.

If I hear some dude talking about how excited he is to see the latest episode of 24 or Lost (etc, etc), I am struck by the notion that he actually has the time to tune into a given program on a regular basis. It's like, "REALLY? You have a reasonable assurance that you can be at home and in front of your TV at a particular hour, on a specific DAY, each week to check out some show???" -- I personally do not, at the moment, have that luxury.

Plus, I have trouble getting enthusiastic about any television content, in general, unless it is comedy. If I'm gonna bother devoting regular time to something like that, it's got to make me laugh. I mean, not to be a snob or anything, but there have only been a handful of dramatic TV shows that I could enjoy. For me to tune into something on a regular basis, it simply MUST be funny.

So...what DO I watch???

Well, lately, I've been obsessed with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Yeah.

My God, what a great show. I can't believe I never saw it until a month ago. I mean, I KNEW about it and everything, but just never happened to catch an episode until very recently, and by random chance. Boy, was I missing out!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is about Dennis, Dee, Charlie, and Mac -- four losers with no morals whatsoever who run a bar in the fair city of (you guessed it!) Philadelphia. They encounter a different serious scenario every week, and always walk away from it having learned no valuable lesson.

I've read that the series was originally going to be called Jerks, and that definitely would have been a fitting title. I mean, these people really ARE a bunch of jerks. They never hesitate to screw each other over, and have even wrecked a lot of lives throughout the course of the show's six seasons.

Yet, I like them. Each character on It's Always Sunny may be a dirtbag, but I can RELATE. In fact, I think most of us can. That's got to be why the show has become a hit. Max, Dee, Dennis, and Charlie are all a-holes in ways that I think many folks occasionally are (hey, we've all felt like these people from time to time). It's just that THEY cut out the niceties, and are consistently a-holes. The result is hilarious.

(I think I like Dee the best. I'm not quite sure why, though....)

Such clever writing! Such excellent acting!! Such personality!!! It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has to be the funniest TV series since Strangers with Candy. In fact, now that I think about it, I can see several similarities between the two shows -- they're both primarily about bad people with crappy morals, and they both rely on humor that can only be caught when one is paying actual attention to everything that's being said. That right there is quality comedy writing, folks: no obvious punchlines; just clever, character-dependent dialogue.

(And Dee is a really smart character.)

Throw comedic virtuoso Denny Devito into the mix, and you've got yourself one hell of a TV series, my friend. I mean, to me, Danny Devito has always been grossly underrated, anyway. Look at him in any role he's ever played -- Devito never fails to be excellent and absolutely hilarious, regardless of the context. The man is a brilliant actor! Hey, no one could look like THAT, and consistently work in Hollywood for decades on end without being a total genius, right???

And Danny has a regular part on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as Frank, the show's best character. What a perfectly-played scumbag. I just love him.

(Although, I must say that, for some reason, Dee is almost as good).

The show's humble beginnings also intrigue me. Did you know that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia started out as a crappy, shot-on-a-camcorder, amateur demo project written by Rob McElhenney, Charlie Day, and Glenn Howerton? The pilot cost less than 80 dollars to produce, and the three friends sent it around to various TV producer types until somebody at the fledgling FX Network happened to see it, and decided to give those crazy kids a chance.

The series was born with a shoestring budget, and NEARLY failed in its first season. It wasn't until (somehow) Danny Devito got attached that it all really took off. Now, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is entering its seventh season.

Yes, you can add It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia to the extremely short list of television shows I have actually liked enough to purchase on DVD. It now occupies the previously-empty third arm in a trifecta that also consists of Strangers with Candy and Futurama. At last, I finally have THREE all-time favorite shows....

(I am complete.)

Friends, check out It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, if you haven't already. It's a fresh, clever, and hysterically original television program that is not to be missed. I honestly can't get over how great this stuff is, and it's really been occupying a great deal of my attention lately (which might partly explain why I've had so few films to review).

Such a talented bunch of people who produce it!

(All right, FINE. I just really want this woman, OK??? There. I admitted it.)

Ahem.

As I was saying, our pals Dennis, Mac, Charlie (another highlight of the show), Frank, and Dee provide us with some world-class and original laughs on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Is anyone else here a fan? If so, what are your favorite episodes??? For me, it would have to the be the one in which Dennis and Dee become crack addicts.

...Or, maybe the one in which they turn the bar into an underage teen club.

...Or, MAYBE, the one in which Dennis tries to run for elected office.

...OR, MAYBE, the one where they try to sneak into a Phillies game....

See??? So many great moments to choose from here, really.

Check it out, and have yourself a good, mean-spirited laugh. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is excellent television.

5 out of 5.

b.

The University Of Success

2011-06-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry for yet another absence, folks....
But, you see, I've been very busy researching an important topic: online diploma mills.

Indeed -- a "diploma mill" is basically a fake college that will provide customers with a fake degree for a reasonable donation. Said degree can then be used to finagle one's way into a new job, assuming that his or her prospective employer is not too thorough in the whole "reference-checking" thing.

All one has to do is log into the diploma mill's website, enter some credit card info, and BLAMO -- he's a college graduate now! So simple, and much, much easier than going through all that HASSLE of diligently studying at a legitimate institution of higher learning for year after boring year just to become enlightened. Why waste your time and money on all of that???

My favorite diploma mill is Concordia College and University. It generated some attention several years ago, as there's apparently a REAL, accredited, institution somewhere in the United States that bears the name of Concordia College (--you see, without the "university" part in its name). Understandably, the legitimate Concordia was not happy to learn that some fly-by-night operation in the Virgin Islands with a very similar name was selling people unearned degrees, possibly with the intent of creating the impression that it WAS, in fact, the real Concordia College. I do believe I remember a lawsuit being filed over this (or something), but it apparently didn't go anywhere, as Concordia College and University is still operating proudly online.

Check it out: all you have to do is "declare" to the institution that you have "life experience" in a given field, and you're in. Now, I'll be the first to admit that actual experience trumps education almost every time, but it seems a bit strange to award someone a certificate of having earned both just because they claim to have the former. In fact, a cynic (which is not what I am) might even propose that it borders on outright fraud.

But, no -- Concordia College and University assures us that it's, like, TOTALLY ACCREDITED...somewhere, or something....

So, we can all agree they're totally legit, right??? You know, because they say so!

I've always found this to be hilarious. I mean, I would never actually try to GET A JOB with a Concordia degree -- that would be a bad idea, for obvious reasons (even if you got away with it, the scam would always be in the back of your mind, keeping you uneasy); BUT I still would actually like to buy one. You know -- just for kicks.

I mean, the site offers you the following authentic-looking documents and rates:

US$ 495.00 all-inclusive:

Associate in Science
Associate in Applied Science
Associate in Law
Associate in Social Work
Associate in Business Administration
Associate in Arts
Associate in Fine Arts
Associate in Theology

US$ 655.00 all-inclusive:

Bachelor of Science
Bachelor of Applied Science
Bachelor of Education
Bachelor of Social Work
Bachelor of Arts
Bachelor of Law
Bachelor of Fine Arts
Bachelor of Business Administration
Bachelor of Public Administration
Bachelor of Theology

US$ 755.00 all-inclusive:

Master of Science
Master of Applied Science
Master of Education
Master of Arts
Master of Social Work
Master of Fine Arts
Master of Business Administration (MBA)
Master of Public Administration (MPA)
Master of Law
Master of Divinity

US$ 955.00 all-inclusive:

Doctor of Philosophy (Research Doctorate, aka Ph.D./D.Phil.)
Doctor of Arts
Doctor of Science
Doctor of Applied Science
Doctor of Law
Doctor of Education
Doctor of Social Work
Doctor of Business Administration
Doctor of Public Administration
Doctor of Theology

And those are just EXAMPLES of the quality programs offered by Concordia College and University. Here's a full list of the available majors (again, taken directly from its site):

"Addictionology, Accounting, Administration of Justice, Adult Education, Advertising, Anthropology, Archeology, Art, Biblical Studies, Business Administration, Career Counseling, Communications, Comparative Religion, Computer Science, Criminal Justice, Drama, Early Childhood Education, Economics, Electrical Engineering, Elementary Education, Engineering, Film and Video Production, Finance, Foreign Policy, Geography, Health Service Management, History, Horticulture, Humanities, Human Relations, Indochinese Peninsula History, Industrial Management, Information Technology, Interior Design, International Business, International Finance, International Economics, International Relations, International Marketing, Law Enforcement, Logistics, Management, Marketing, Mechanical Engineering, Mammal Biology & Cetology, Ministry, Music, Nuclear Engineering, Nursing, Philosophy, Photojournalism, Political Science, Psychology, Public Administration, Real Estate Management, Sacred Music, Social Work, Sociology, Special Education, Surface Technology, Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, Telecommunications, Theocentric Counseling, Theocentric Ethics, Tourism...."

Notice the ellipsis at the end of that list. To me, that might imply that they offer even more majors than the ones listed.

Wow!

I TOTALLY wish I had, like, 27 million dollars just lying around, so I could utterly waste several thousands on PHDs from Concordia College and University. I would buy them in all available fields, with all available majors. Imagine if I had documents stating that I was, in fact, a doctor of Philosophy, French, Computer Theory, American History, Physics, Astronomy, Latin, Business, Law, Medicine, Monkey Torture, Basket Weaving, and Civil War Reenactment all in frames and hanging in my study. I would feel so accomplished!

And I'd actually insist that people call me "doctor," too. If anyone mistakenly addressed me as "Mister Green," I'd get all haughty and indignant about it, demanding that they show me and my credentials the proper respect.

That would be great.

...Which gives me my next fantastic idea: I'll just start MY OWN online diploma mill.

YEAH! That way, I won't even have to pay anyone; I can just print out a bunch of degrees on my home computer, and claim they're legit. You know -- cut out the middle man.

Oh, this idea is golden. I'll call it...The University of Success.

Yes, friends -- when you enroll in Drew Green's University of Success, you're guaranteed to receive a fully authentic, REALISTIC-looking, college degree printed on my own home computer, with one of them fancy leather-bound holder things and all of that other stuff they give you. Heck, I'll even throw in a couple of frames and mugs, or whatever.

Ever wanted to be a Bachelor of Science??? I can make it happen in less than five minutes!!!

Just send 347 dollars to my PayPal account right now, and you'll be on the fast track to a high quality career...thanks to The University of Success!

OK, now here's a film starring some potential graduates.

Trash Humpers (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1488163/

Netflix description:
Handheld cameras and a cinema vérité style underscore the odd blend of violence and tenderness that prevails in this shock fest, which follows a band of troublemakers on a witless rampage against objects animate and inanimate. Eschewing narrative structure for a style long on visual symbolism, filmmaker Harmony Korine uses his outsider characters to illuminate a variety of themes, including redemption.

Yeah I know. Trash Humpers. Sounds weird, right? That's because it is.

But, let's examine a little film history before we get into why....

See, once upon a time, there was a hot, young, indie filmmaker named Harmony Korine. He wrote a controversial and groundbreaking 1995 movie called Kids (directed by the notorious Larry Clarke), and received some buzz on the festival circuit a few years later with his directorial debut, the ultra-bizarre Gummo. It was a low-grade film, but it also showed some promise. Folks wondered -- could this crazy Harmony Korine chap end up being the next big indie darling?

--Well, no. That didn't quite happen. Instead, Harmony just got weirder.

His next major movie was Mr. Lonely, which is about a Michael Jackson impersonator who falls in love with a Marylin Monroe impersonator. Interesting, poignant, and somewhat heartwarming; it wasn't a bad film (now that I think back on it)...but it didn't exactly suggest that Harmony Korine intended to pursue mainstream success....

And now we have Trash Humpers.

Trash Humpers is a totally plotless, sort of concept movie shot on low-quality camcorders about a group of freakish friends who spend their days reveling in utter filth. These characters (who may, or may not, be wearing masks) can be seen having sex with dumpsters...rolling around naked in the mud...eating rotten ham with dish soap poured on it...breaking into abandoned homes and smashing everything up....You know, wholesome stuff.

Who they are, or what motivates them, isn't made totally clear, but I think I may have summed it up in the above paragraph: they just want to embrace dirtiness. While MOST of humanity avoids filth, these folks pursue it, and go to great lengths to be a part of it. They seek to be absolutely depraved; they appear to be searching for some kind of fulfillment in doing that which is NOT normal.

I THINK I understood the film...but that doesn't mean I enjoyed it.

See, as mentioned, Trash Humpers has no actual plot, really. It's fundamentally just a bunch of random VHS-looking footage of these weirdos engaging in a variety of disgusting mayhem. There's no distinguishable character arcs or story development; the dialogue is apparently improvised; narrative is extremely subtle....This is pretty much 80 minutes of unwatchably grainy footage of some messed up individuals doing things that, frankly, ought to get them placed into the custody of the authorities.

So, yeah -- I'm down with the artistic, experimental concept and all that jazz, but can't say that Trash Humpers is actually a positive viewing experience. You only watch something like this and pretend to admire it when you're out to impress somebody in art class. Otherwise, the motion picture is just a bunch of weird crap. And, hey -- I usually LIKE weird crap. I DO!

...But this here is unpleasant weird crap.

It's like my friend's dad used to say of us kids when we were going through our rebellious teenager phase: "You guys are nothing but a bunch of freaks trying to be different."

That sums up this experiment.

2 out of 5.

b.

Social Media Breathalyzers

2011-06-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

OK, I realize that I'm not the first person to suggest this, but I really think there ought to be a way to merge sobriety tests with home computer technology....
You know what I'm talking about. I mean, we've all heard of the "drunk dialing" phenomenon, right? --That's when someone has a bit too much to drink, and then makes an ass of himself by calling up an old flame, friend, or family member at, like, three in the morning with heartfelt confessions and rants. Tales of drunk dialing are common; we've all had some sort of experience with it, one way or another. Whether you're a young lady who's heard from a long-lost ex-boyfriend out of the blue after he's imbibed 27 beers, or whether you, yourself, ARE that wronged boyfriend, odds are that you've had to deal with a drunk dialing scenario at one point or another.

Indeed, drunk dialing is well-documented, and certainly quite well-known....

But, what about drunk Facebooking???

(Yes, I say "Facebooking" should now be considered a legitimate word.)

Friends, Facebook has changed the world. We're ALL a part of it on one level or another. This remarkable new form of interaction now affects all aspects of our lives -- in the workplace, on the home front, in...uh...other ways, too. There's no escaping it. In fact, I'd say that it actually has OVERTAKEN the telephone as the dominant medium through which individuals stay connected these days. Heck, I personally have several relatives with whom I'd probably have no contact whatsoever, if it weren't for the Facebook. That's beautiful!

BUT, with the benefits of online social media also come the drawbacks. Of course, I'm talking about the ways in which we can all embarrass ourselves on Facebook. Indeed, DRUNK Facebooking has become a serious problem. People have gotten themselves in trouble with the law for poor Facebook judgment; they've gotten themselves fired; and they've (most commonly) simply made themselves look plain stupid and/or creepy to acquaintances. There ought to be a way to prevent that.

In fact, I say that it should be downright IMPOSSIBLE to go on Facebook while hammered. There HAS TO BE A WAY to arrange it....

(Heh? HEEEH???)

Now, I don't want to create the wrong impression here. I AM, after all, a totally professional, RESPECTABLE, individual who has never, EVER consumed too much alcohol and made himself look stupid. Ha ha. That would be LUDICROUS to suggest!

No, no -- I'm not talking about ME here, friends! Rather, I'm simply referring to...like..."other people" who have gone on Facebook while inebriated and compromised their reputations.

OTHER PEOPLE.

Get it???

Yeah.

So, let's say that, HYPOTHETICALLY, there's some guy named...Ssssnnnaro (he's Lithuanian, or something) who MAYBE had a bit to drink one night, and went on a Facebook tear, sending messages to people he barely knows, and posting WAAAY too many weird status updates.

He wakes up the next morning, reflecting on what he did the night before, and smacks himself on the forehead in shame. "OH, dear God," he thinks. "Why the HELL did I SAY that???"

Maybe our pal Ssssnnnaro logs into Facebook, frantically reviewing the bizarre things he posted perhaps just a few hours earlier, and vainly deleting various comments on the profiles of friends in the remote hope that they haven't yet read them.

Ssssnnnaro feels like a fool all day; he checks out Facebook multiple times, looking to glean information from various status updates on whether or not anyone actually received his drunken postings from the previous evening. Perhaps he also checks out his Friends list repeatedly to see if anyone dropped him.

Ssssnnnaro reflects over and over on what he wrote the night before. Now, let's see here:

--He posted a rambling status comment on the profile of a distant acquaintance, recommending that she e-mail her acting resume to a random web series (that may or may not turn out to be a scam)...just for the hell of it, apparently.

--He sent a long message to an ex-lover, apologizing for being a completely weak and worthless piece of crap who is totally responsible for the failure of their relationship.

--He chided a local politician for a vote that he's not really sure ever even took place.

--He wrote at length about his various tattoos on a coworker's posting regarding a totally unrelated subject.

--He quoted lyrics from obscure country songs in multiple status updates.

--He sent a message to a cousin, apologizing for stealing his trombone when they were nine, and offering to pay for it....

Now, can you imagine how foolish Ssssnarro must feel when reflecting on these Facebook writings? CAN you IMAGINE???

I mean, honestly -- it's not right; it's not FAIR! Our friend Ssssnarro should never have been given the opportunity to embarrass himself like that! HE'S THE VICTIM HERE!!!

....Which is why (again) I propose that there be a computer breathalyzer test. Should Ssssnarro (or anyone else) attempt to log into Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace while sauced, he'd be denied access. After blowing into his machine's alcohol detection tube, the sad chap would simply receive an error message informing him that he's in "Social Media Safe Mode", in which no postings or messages may be sent.

Don't you think this is a GOOD IDEA???

It would save jobs, reputations, relationships, and perhaps even lives. Why are the folks at IBM, HP, Dell, Gateway, etc, NOT working on this technology??? They have failed us all.

Oh and, incidentally, I think something like this would also be appropriate to screen an individual's "adult-related" surfing while intoxicated....

(Think of all the SHAME this filter would save m--...er, Ssssnarro if it existed!)

OK, OK. This post has turned out to be way longer than I intended, so I'll just end by referring you all to THIS groundbreaking browser plug-in:

http://www.psfk.com/2010/11/social-media-sobriety-test-a-digital-breathalyzer.html/

It aims to do exactly what I just suggested. Of course, I personally have no idea how well it works, as (AGAIN!) I simply have no NEED to test it. The embarrassing scenario I just outlined applies to the TOTALLY FICTIONAL Ssssnarro, and (AGAIN!!!) NOT ME in any way at all. Remember???

I'm SERIOUS!

Now here's a movie that you'd HAVE TO be drunk to enjoy....

Train (2008)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1015474/

Netflix description:
College athlete Alex (Thora Birch) and her teammates are in for one hell of a ride when, after a night of heavy partying, they miss a train to their next meet in Europe and unwittingly accept alternate transport from a stranger -- with deadly consequences. The international gore-fest from director Gideon Raff (The Killing Floor) was shot in Bulgaria and takes bloody inspiration from a rash of news reports about real crimes in Eastern Europe.

Look, I'll be REAL quick with this review. Frankly, I have little choice, anyway, since Train is such a simplistic film, with so little to be said for it.

Let's be clear: this movie is an utter piece of crap. It may be slickly-made, but it fails on all levels simply by virtue of the fact that it lacks originality in every conceivable way. I couldn't BELIEVE how blatant of a Hostel ripoff this picture was.

But here's the "plot," anyway: a bunch of American college kids take a train ride through eastern Europe for some reason, and wind up getting killed off, one by one, by a group of mysterious sadists who also happen to be on board.

And here's the clincher: these kids aren't just KILLED; they're TORTURED in horrifying ways in the process. Wow, how original.

Look, Train is an absolutely pointless movie. It really IS just Hostel...on a train. The look of it...the feel of it...the execution of the entire exercise...EVERYTHING just felt like a Hostel knockoff. Why did they even bother?

None of these characters here are worth caring about; the story is non-existent; and all performances are hum-drum. Train is a waste of film, a waste of time, and a waste of blog entries. There is simply nothing that distinguishes it from other crappy movies of the same general premise.

...Well, other than the fact that THIS ONE happens to star Thora Birch, a once-promising actress with real talent. How did she wind up in tripe like Train, anyway???

Look, I've complained recently about the rash of torture porn movies that the horror industry has been churning out lately, but this one REALLY bugged me. It is just so unabashedly paint-by-the-numbers that I can't even give it credit for being well-made. If you're in the market for a film that depicts pretty young people being sexually tortured, then just rewatch (again) Hostel, or Hostel 2.

It's OK to miss this Train. The ride sucks.

1 out of 5.

b.

For No Reason At All

2011-06-01T22:04:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes, folks will ask me how I come up with all of the BRILLIANT ideas I have for blog entries....
Hey, I can't blame them. I mean, only a true blogging GENIUS would be able to write about such fascinating topics as snack cakes, zombie movies, and video games, while reviewing random movies in an utterly intermittent fashion. My unpredictable disappearances and off-the-wall musings on things that matter to no one at all are CLEARLY well-plotted out and intricately prepared.

So, anyway, HERE is my blogging strategy:

I scrawl random topics onto a sheet of paper taped to my kitchen wall whenever they occur to me, and actually bother to write about them in the blog as the mood happens to strike. See -- here's my ACTUAL, and highly-organized, blog idea sheet right here:

(For reals, this is taped to my kitchen wall.)

As you can probably tell, it's usually about three AM when I add something to the list, and I'll often have little recollection of doing so the next day. When (or, IF) I actually address a particular topic in Who Wants Taters is totally up to chance. What can I say? A true artist never knows what he's going to produce until he actually starts it....

...Right?

(I'm an artist!)

Ahem...

Anyway, the OTHER thing that goes into my motivation for writing an entry is whether or not I have happened to screen an interesting movie within the last few days. Oh, and you can bet I'll be back tomorrow with such a post.

For now, though, I guess all I really wanted to do was showcase my new high-resolution camera. Look at that DETAIL in the list picture! WAAAAY better than the old Blackberry camera I used to utilize for blog entries, eh?

OK (again), this may be the most pointless post I have ever written. I'll be back tomorrow, with important discussions of serious issues. In the meantime, I ask -- how do YOU folks keep track of, and decide on which, blog entries you'd like to write??? SHARE with me!

Now have a fine Thursday.

b.

Local Brew

2011-05-30T20:41:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I took a little day trip over the weekend to see a film that was shot just a few miles from the town where I now live....
See, the state of Michigan recently enacted some pretty generous tax incentives for film and television production companies, and since then, we've been inundated with movie types, ranging from the likes of Steven Spielberg, all the way down to the folks who made the picture I'm about to discuss in today's entry.

Michigan's film incentives have REALLY WORKED -- we can actually SEE the proof of that everywhere we look in the state. Since around 2005, countless communities have enjoyed the prestige and economic benefits of having film crews set up shop for a few weeks to make their little (or, big) projects.

In fact, a Sean Penn movie was shot in my former town of Bad Axe (population: three thousand) just this past year, and it was, like, the BIGGEST THING EVER to happen in the area. One of my best pals, who still lives in Bad Axe, described to me the whole atmosphere in the community as that motion picture was produced, and it sounds to me as though the ordeal was positively electric. Local restaurants and hotels benefited from having a film crew in town, and tons of people got to enjoy the thrill of meeting honest to God movie stars, hanging out smoking cigarettes in front of Pete's Bar, or simply gassing up at the Sunoco station. These were all GOOD things...and the story could be applied to tons of towns and cities in Michigan lately....

So, OF COURSE, what does our new governor want to do??? -- Kill the film incentives!

It figures. God forbid Michigan might actually follow through with something THAT'S WORKING. Brilliant policy, fellas in charge....

(Yes, our governor often dresses like Megaman, for some reason.)

ANYway, today I have for you a movie that was a true treat for me to see. I drove up to the town of Saugatuck to check it out on Saturday. Called The Lake Effect, this lovely little dramatic comedy was produced mostly in a couple of Lake Michigan shoreline communities known as Covert and South Haven. It was made possible through the state's film incentives, and REALLY captured the essence of the locale in which it's set. I recommend this one highly.

The Lake Effect (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1466068/

IMDB description (no Netflix available yet):
Rob Lawson's perpetual quest for success is interrupted when his estranged daughter shows up pregnant, challenging him to be a father before he becomes a grandfather.

I don't normally do this, but I might as well give you a little background info on what I do for a living. See, I'm a reporter and, yes -- I found out about The Lake Effect through work. I got a press release one night from the movie's producer announcing its upcoming Michigan debut, and immediately thought, "Hot damn! Another locally produced motion picture...and this one seems SERIOUS!" I was all over that story within a matter of minutes.

I mean, I've written here on this blog a couple of times in the past about local movies -- about how I like to check them out, no matter what they are. Some are good, and some...well...not so much. But The Lake Effect seemed to be an entirely different beast. The folks who made this film are actually legitimate filmmakers (not just amateurs who dabble in the occasional making of a movie), coming from the City of Angels, and everything!

And...you know...I'm probably making a mistake by doing this, but here's a link to the story I wrote up on them. I think it describes the scenario behind the production of The Lake Effect fairly well, and why I was willing to drive 70-plus miles on my own dime to see it. Let's just all pretend that I haven't violated several rules of professionalism throughout the course of Who Wants Taters' 220 posts, and NOT get me in trouble with information gleaned through the posting of that link, shall we? :)

(However, I stand behind my allegation that he likes to dress like Megaman.)

OK, OK. Enough screwing around. Let's get to the point.

As already stated, I hightailed it up to Saugatuck on Saturday for a screening of The Lake Effect, and must say that the film exceeded all expectations.

I mean, producer Jennifer and director Tara seemed very nice and professional over the phone when I spoke to them and all, but upon seeing the trailer for their film, I developed some doubts. I wondered if their picture was going to be another disappointing, shot-on-high-school-AV-club-level equipment, with-low-grade-acting-to-match, sort of nonexistent-budget affair. I've run into so many of them over the years that I guess it was only natural for me to have concerns....

But, in this case, they were unfounded.

The Lake Effect is a beautifully-shot, lovingly-constructed, heartfelt, little motion picture. It oozes warmth, charm, wit, and humor, and keeps us engaged for the full 90 minutes. I really was quite satisfied with the experience, and look forward to the film's upcoming professional distribution. This is a movie that deserves some attention.

(DISCLAIMER: Roger Ebert has not reviewed this movie.)

OK, here's the story:

The Lake Effect is about a 40-50-ish year-old guy named Rob who hasn't seen his daughter in, oh, eight years or so. See, he's kind of too occupied with various business deals and such to devote any time to silly diversions like family and child rearing (hey, we can all relate, right?).

Anyway, Rob and his hottish, younger wife (Natalie) are preparing to spend a summer hanging out at his beach house along the shoreline of Lake Michigan when (you guessed it!) his teenage daughter (Celia) suddenly shows up, like, 97,000 months pregnant. Rob's all shocked and upset, but his little firecracker of a daughter isn't one to take crap from anyone, so she keeps his feeble attempts at discipline at bay pretty well throughout the film. Instead, they argue and bond; bond and argue. It's kind of a developing relationship....

Celia reminded me of Juno, only less annoying, and really, The Lake Effect boils down to the rebuilding of her relationship with Rob, as both of them mature and begin to accept their responsibilities to each other (well, maybe more so with Rob than Celia). Throw in Rob's own complicated marriage issues, and the eventual appearance of Celia's baby daddy (Jace), and we've got a recipe for some fairly compelling drama.

But The Lake Effect is, by no means, ALL serious. There's plenty of humor here -- smart, often-subtle jokes that rely on good timing and direction to work. More than anything, I was struck by how well such a clever script could be executed with so little in the way of resources. Tara Miele is OBVIOUSLY a talented writer, but the more I think about it, the more I'm impressed by her ability to pull this film off as a director, as well, given the circumstances under which it was shot. She REALLY captured the essence of this little corner of the world known as Southwest Michigan, and made the whole thing come across as very professional and natural and lovely. Good show.

Performances across the board exceed expectations. I was especially surprised by star Ross Partridge, as Rob, the kinda-sorta deadbeat dad. For a guy with so many flaws, he sure is likable. Heck, I'd even hang out with him (his character, I mean), and that's a pretty rare reaction for me to feel towards anyone, let alone a fictitious failed businessman. I also liked Celia, that little spark plug; and Rob's wife, Natalie, rounds out a cast of characters in need of some maturity with rock solid dependability.

The ONLY real complaints I might have about The Lake Effect are that it comes close to meandering about halfway through the third act, and the film's climax teeters on the edge of hokeyness. Then again, when all was said and done, I don't know how else it COULD have been handled. I walked out of the theater not regretting that I had spent 90 bucks on gas and restaurant expenses to see The Lake Effect, so I guess that right there tells you that whatever criticisms I could have mustered for the deal mattered not in the end. It's a good movie, folks.

Check out The Lake Effect, if you get a chance. It really is a nice little story -- the kind of movie that needs to be encouraged. Sometimes, I get tired of the paint-by-the-numbers zombie flicks and stupid basement-kidnapping gorefests; I want to see more simple, DRAMATIC ultra-indie films. Stuff like what Hal Hartley would have once made. I bet HE would enjoy The Lake Effect.

I know I did.

Oh, and I'll keep you posted on when this baby shows up on Netflix....

4 out of 5.

b.

A Mystery

2011-05-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

Not much of a point to this post, other than to put the word out there that I am currently attempting to solve a mystery....
See, here's the deal:

A couple weeks ago, I purchased a used copy of Henry Miller's Tropic of Capricorn from Amazon.com.

Well, the book arrived the other day, and the cover looks like THIS:

Fairly standard, if a bit worn. However, looking on the inside, I found THIS:

(Click to see the larger, high-res, image.)

Hmm. "I will NEVER forget the beach. Love, Amber."

Now I'm all intrigued. WHO is Amber, and TO WHOM did she write this message??? There are no other such markings to be found anywhere in the book, leaving me with little to go on.

But, STILL, the whole thing has me feeling rather sentimental. Did Amber REALLY never forget the beach, as she promised? What happened there, exactly??? And how is she doing these days, anyway???

This particular edition of Tropic of Capricorn purports to have been printed in 1987, so the message contained on the inside cover may literally be decades old. Could Amber be dead? Could the person she wrote this to be dead?? Would that explain how his (or her) copy of this most personal item wound up for sale at a used book shop with an Amazon account???

Perhaps I'll contact the seller to find out. I mean, I want Amber to get her book back, if it still means anything to her. Heck, I'll even pay the shipping cost myself...because that's the kind of soft-hearted guy I am.

Then again, maybe I prefer the mystery of it all, and don't really WANT to know the true story of Amber, her experience at the beach, or why she chose to mention it on the inside cover of a Henry Miller novel.

Hmmm.....

(Perhaps some mysteries are best left unsolved, Watson.)

ANYWAY, coming up tomorrow, I'll have a review of a lovely, locally-produced, film that I screened the other day in a town not far from where I currently reside. I got to meet the writer and director and producer and everything (well, for a few seconds, anyway). It's a drama, called The Lake Effect. I hope some of you folks read what I have to say, as I really enjoyed the movie, and I think some of us know how I feel about promoting Michigan's film industry.

In the meantime, I shall continue my search for the elusive Amber (or, maybe not)....

b.

Reality Show Pitch

2011-05-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

For years, I've had a great idea for a reality TV show....
Check this out: it would be called Cannibal Island.

OK, here's the concept: We get a bunch of has-been celebrities, and convince them that they're going to be part of some Apprentice-like competition show. Heck, we could even LIE to them and say that it's actually going TO BE the Celebrity Apprentice....Who cares, right?

Whatever. Hey, maybe we'll hire, like, Pauly Shore, Paula Poundstone, David Hasslehoff, Martin Mull, Roseanne, Vicky Lawrence, Sinbad, Skee-Lo, and...um....(oh, why not?) Gary Busey. They'll all be promised great riches and untold publicity for participating in this reality TV extravaganza. Whatever we have to tell them to sign on, we WILL; it really doesn't matter.

(The cast of Cannibal Island.)

Anyway, here's the meat and potatoes of the whole concept:

We get all of our contestants on a plane, and tell them they're headed for some island paradise where they'll compete for some prize (or something), for some reason. Again, it simply doesn't matter....

BUT, while en route to their destination, tragedy arises (shocker)! Their plane experiences mechanical problems, and is forced to make an emergency landing on an uncharted island WAAAAY out in the pacific. The pilot, like a horrible and despicable coward, bails in a parachute as the aircraft descends toward said mystery island, and our heroes brace themselves to make a surprisingly soft crash landing there....

Now, keep in mind that this is all in the FIRST episode, so ALREADY, we've got some pretty compelling drama going on, folks!

ANYWAY, as the smoke and confusion clears, our celebrity contestants find that they've "crash landed" on a totally uninhabited island, with no food resources whatsoever. Instead (curiously), all they find is a lone building with a fully-functional kitchen, and a rather large cache of weaponry. I mean, we're talking knives, chainsaws, blunt objects, and even maybe a few firearms. Whatever it takes to increase the temptation level, really.

Not to mention, there are TONS of hidden cameras placed all throughout the island. Um, let's say...five thousand of them -- hidden in trees, rocks, and sand dunes, etc. So many hidden cameras and microphones that, in fact, even if our unfortunate celebrities somehow manage to locate a few of of them, there will be no way they could possibly catch EVERYTHING....

So, there they are -- a bunch of celebrities, feeling pretty frightened and hungry, and with NO food and a WHOLE LOT of weapons at their disposal.

Heh? HEEEH??? Wink, wink; nudge, nudge....

Anyway, maybe there'd be a period during which our heroes would hopelessly attempt to locate local nourishment sources on their own, but to no avail. See, this island will simply be altogether lacking in viable food resources. No coconuts; no palatable seafood; no local wildlife -- this will be a TOTALLY barren landscape, friends. NO food whatsoever.

WELL...I think we can all guess what is BOUND to happen after a certain amount of time....right?

Indeed, it only stands to reason that after a brief amount of time, with no sign of rescue apparent, our celebrity heroes would start to look at each other as potential sources of nourishment. Maybe it would be Roseanne who'd first get that bloodthirsty look in her eyes; or, maybe it'd be Busey....Heck, maybe it would actually be someone surprising, such as Vicky Lawrence (I've always sensed that look of darkness in her face, anyway)....Who knows? Hard to tell how an individual would behave in such a scenario.

***(Incidentally, I initially thought that Kirstie Alley would make a great contestant, but decided that SHE would likely resort to the dramatic decision of cannibalism a bit TOO soon, thereby detracting from the edge of drama of the Cannibal Island concept, as a whole. I mean, imagine -- a half hour after the initial plane crash, if Kirstie had already killed and eaten Pauly Shore. That would be somewhat disappointing and anti-climactic, wouldn't you agree???)***

Anyway, Cannibal Island would document the exploits of our intrepid celebrity heroes, as they battle the moral and existential quandaries of survival versus basic decency. WHO among them would resort to killing and eating fellow B-listers for the sake of living another day? WHO among them would opt to starve to death, rather than commit the ultimate taboo?? WHO among them would have what it takes to be the last one standing???

My money would be on Busey.

Either way, in the end, the last man (or, woman) alive would be rescued from the island by chopper, and rewarded with a trophy and a 25 dollar gift certificate to Shoney's. Sounds like a worthwhile effort for all involved, right???

Admittedly, I've got some legal technicalities to work out before I get this production off the ground...but ANYthing's possible in Hollywood, right?

So...WHO'S IN???

Anyway, here's yet another movie about a guy who kidnaps women, and holds them in an underground dungeon for reasons unknown. Enjoy moderately!

The Cellar Door (2007)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0878657/

Netflix description:
Having developed an uncontrollable obsession with the beautiful young Rudy (Michelle Tomlinson), crazed serial killer Herman (James DuMont) kidnaps her and locks her in a cage in his basement. The only way for Rudy to survive this nightmare is to outsmart her psychopathic tormentor. But Herman has experience on his side: He's entrapped and tortured other women before, playing sick and twisted mind games with his frightened victims.

OK, these guys-kidnapping-women-and-holding-them-captive-underground-just-for-thrills flicks are becoming all-too common. I'm frankly kind of tired of them....

I mean, REALLY -- how many dudes are we to believe feel a need to construct a holding cell in their parents' basements, just to torment random young ladies??? This kind of thing is pretty rare in REAL life, as far as I can tell (as opposed to zombie apocalypse scenarios). These lonely chaps should really look into investing in blow-up dolls, instead. They put up much less of a struggle, and almost NEVER complain, no matter what you do to them!

(Let's leave my sweet honey, Gwendelynn the Drew-Pleaser, OUT of today's discussion, OK???)

Anyway, in The Cellar Door, we have a dude named Herman who finds some random woman called Rudy who strikes his fancy, and...well...he locks her in a cage down in the basement, for some reason.

No sexual assault take place here; no overt violence to speak of, either....He just wants to LOOK at this chick, I guess.

Of course, this young lady fails to enjoy Herman's little experiment, and promptly sets about the task of finding a way to escape. WILL she be successful???

Yeah, she DOES figure out a method of escape (SPOILERS!!!)...and we cheer for her. Yada, yada, yada.

Poor girl. I really did feel sorry for the victim in this interesting, if unoriginal, torture porn exercise, for once. She seems smart, nice, and totally undeserving of the humiliation to which Herman subjects her. Actually, the whole scenario through which this story plays out makes us root for the victim in a way that such movies usually fail to elicit. Herman, my friends, really IS a sick bastard....

And it's excellent acting that sets The Cellar Door apart from other films with the same general premise (and, lately, there have been a WHOLE LOT of them). I kind of sympathized with our antagonist (way more than with, say, Otis), but still REALLY pulled for his victim.

Honestly, why have there been so many movies in recent years about guys kidnapping young women and holding them captive in underground dungeons? There's been FAR too many of them, and they're starting to blend together in my mind. The old zombie-style over saturation is now afflicting this genre, as well, and I don't like it. As a rule, these flicks don't really impress me.

Then again, The Cellar Door really is, admittedly, of a higher quality than most other motion pictures of its ilk, so I GUESS I'd recommend it (if begrudgingly). This here is a disturbing, occasionally scary, little exercise in kidnappy darkness.

The Cellar Door only stands out because it's exceptionally well-acted, and manages to convey just about everything that the old torture-porn craze could really have to offer WITHOUT going too far. If you're in the market for something along these lines, then I say go with this one.

Skip all others like it, and give The Cellar Door a whirl. You won't find a better guy kidnaps chick and holds her captive in basement dungeon picture, as far as I can tell. I'll give it a (very) generous...

3 out of 5.

b.

Yummy

2011-05-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, I don't usually write about music, but today, I'd like to commend one of my very favorite bands, Cake....
In fact, I'd say that they're the best still-together group around. All of the bands from the heyday of my youth have either broken up, lost their mojo, or died...but not the Cake. They're still keepin' on, rockin' on.

I mean, Kurt Cobain killed himself; Billy Corgan started to suck; the Stone Temple Pilots became parodies of themselves....Yet, Cake is just as great as ever.

I first got into Cake during my senior year of high school. I heard the band's first hit, "The Distance", one fine summer day while cruising around in my 1988 Dodge Caravan with my friend, Wayne (mentioned in another, very recent, post). It was 88.7 FM, 89X's New Rock Alternative nightly countdown, and Cake's little song was the latest entry, entering at number nine or something. Wayne was like, "DUUUUUDE. Turn it up -- it's CAKE!"

I thought, "Whatever. Another stupid, new band that probably raps over heavy metal. Blegh."

But, boy did I end up being wrong, finding myself to thoroughly dig that tune. The almost classic-sounding guitar...the guy talking about car racing...the spot-on drumming....Here was a group that was original; it was offbeat; it seemed witty! I bought the cassette of the band's Fashion Nugget a few days later, and spent the next 47 nights driving around in circles around the northern suburban Detroit listening to all tracks over and over again.

(One of the best albums of all-time.)

Man, you can't characterize or rip off a band like Cake. It's got a friggin' TRUMPET PLAYER, for goodness sake!

Witty, original lyrics, and an overall attitude that simply has not been the domain of any rock outfit I've encountered since. Cake is a band that defies all explanation. I loved them; I have loved everything they've done since then. I would hang out with them, and offer to carry around their equipment in exchange for one moment of enlightenment from front man John McCrea.

So, I know it's a bit late, but Cake recently released their sixth album, Showroom of Compassion. YEARS in the making, this record is among the band's best. "Got to Move" is my favorite tune on the whole thing -- it's poignant and emotionally true; something to which I feel I can genuinely relate. A song my (now) ex-wife could probably have sung about me, in her own little world. It's beautiful, if misguided. How lovely; it's brought tears to me eyes on more than once occasion....

And the album's hit, Sick of You could be an anthem for MY feelings, in regards to the same problems mentioned above, at around the same time. So solid, so perfectly crafted....What a great composition.

(Look -- guys in bunny suits, standing around burning strip malls. That's DEEP, man!)

See, MOST rock bands lose their magic after four albums or so....but not Cake. No -- these guys are as interesting as ever. I can't recommend Showroom of Compassion enough.

And, get this -- the album debuted at NUMBER ONE on the Billboard charts upon its release. Can you believe that? I NEVER, in a million years, would I have thought CAKE would have a number one album.

But it was a dubious distinction. See, Cake may have debuted at NUMBER ONE, but Showroom of Compassion still broke the record for the FEWEST number of copies sold to still occupy the number one position -- about 40 thousand. Awesome. You rule, Cake! You broke number one, and still had the lowest sales record of any album to achieve that distinction. That SAYS something....

It says something about how God-awful music is today; it says something about how the album people will buy MOST on a particular week will still have sales that fall far below the norm of previous years. REAL music fans are in hiding; folks like me only venture out into the wilds of CD stores when something of substance comes around (like Cake)...and our numbers still only add up to around 40,000 or so.

Fine. Screw society at large. Those people are idiots. Us folks of GOOD TASTE will wallow in our Cake CDs while the world rots. The rest of you fine individuals may happily go pick up to whatever silly garbage is topping the I-Tunes charts this week. I'm sure it's FANTASTIC, and full of deep meaning that will enrich your lives forever and ever.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to "Easy to Crash" for the 847,000th time....

And, speaking of delicious things like Cake, here's a movie for you:

Hunger (2009)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1176252/

Netflix dresciption:
Five strangers awake in an underground dungeon and discover that they've been kidnapped as part of a terrible experiment. A sadistic scientist wants to answer a simple question: What are they willing to do to survive after weeks without food? As the days go by and their hunger becomes unbearable, the captives struggle to retain their humanity. Lori Heuring, Joe Egender and Lea Kohl star in this dark examination of mankind's lowest instincts.

This here is a movie about a psychopath who kidnaps a bunch of seemingly-random people, and locks them up in an underground dungeon with no food, and a bunch of weapons. Can you guess what he's HOPING will happen???

Yeah, our mysterious madman is banking on the notion that his captors will...you know...EAT each other. WILL they do so???

Hey, this is a sick horror flick....OF COURSE, they will!

Hunger is about as simple as it gets, which is why this review will be so short. I mean, what is there to say, really? A group of six or seven people have some blunt instruments, a scalpel, and NO FOOD, as they watch a clock tick that SEEMS to suggest when they'll be released from their subterranean prison in...oh, about a month or so. It's a race against time here; SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, folks.

Sure enough, our heroes split into two camps: those who ARE willing to kill and eat other people to survive, and those who are not. The psychopath who is keeping them in this prison (and watching their every move via a closed circuit camera system) sure does love the drama!

But, are WE interested in watching people eat each other???

(Incidentally, also the best way to prepare SPAM.)

Meh, kinda. I mean, Hunger is well-acted, and features some fairly compelling ideas. However, at the end of the day, it's just kind of an uninspired film. A Saw rip-off, if I ever did see one....

There is, indeed, a Final Girl who manages to escape in the end (woops -- did I say, SPOILERS???), but we frankly don't care about her all that much. And the OTHER characters (that is, the ones who, like, try to EAT HER) aren't exactly compelling, either. Sadly, Hunger is just kind of paint-by-the-numbers.

It's well-made and slick enough, but not particularly compelling. Actually, what I REALLY wanted to know was more about the motivations of our psycho killer, the guy who is keeping all of these folks in his little dungeon. Sure, we delve a LITTLE BIT into his psyche; but not nearly enough. WHO IS this man??? Inquiring minds want to know....

But, in the end, Hunger is just BARELY crosses the line into fairly interesting territory. Is it original? -- No. Is it interesting?? -- Mmmm, slightly. Is it scary??? Only a little.

Watch only if you're into the whole Fangoria thing. Otherwise, this one is overall quite ho-hum. It definitely will HARDLY blow your mind....

3 out of 5.

b.

Book Versus Movie

2011-05-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, when I was about 16, my friend Wayne obtained a VHS copy of a film called S.F.W.....
It was a cynical, profane, and nihilistic attempt to cash in on depressed, white trash teenagers with bad attitudes. We totally loved it.

See, S.F.W. is the story of a stoner guy who gets taken hostage in a convenience store by a group of extremists with a plan to record his actions on a camcorder and broadcast them uncensored on television every day. Our hero is the ultimate smart ass/bad ass, and his vulgar antics and anarchistic rantings quickly propel him to flat out superstardom.

The movie made my friend and I feel better about ourselves, and actually indulge in the illusion of hope, because it presented a scenario in which even a total loser could find fame and fortune, simply by being himself. We never really talked about it that way, but I'm sure that's what drew us both to this motion picture -- it could ALMOST cause a member of the unwashed, downtrodden, trailer park-dwelling masses to fantasize about glory. At that moment in our lives, we both felt destined to spend the next few decades withering in obscurity, poverty, and despair; SFW appealed to us because it played on our misery by both mocking, and nurturing, it.

And our very favorite part of the whole thing was actually a random, three second bit in which the film's hero finally breaks free from his captors. See, here's what inspires him to fight back for the first (and only) time:

He runs out of beer.

Yeah, that's it.

The VERY SECOND our hero realizes that he's out of beer, he jumps up and kills all of the terrorists to get the heck out of there. No moment of hesitation, either -- the dude looks down at his last empty twelve pack and springs into action, lunging at the nearest gunman. Within minutes, they're all dead, and he walks out of there with a scowl on his face, determined to find more brews and (probably) more bud.

Funny, to be sure...and STILL the best moment in the entire movie.

But, what about the rest of it? Does the 32 year-old Andrew Terry Bartholomew Xavier Thadeus Green (Esquire the Third) find SFW as compelling and stimulating as the 16 year old version of him did???

Well, I'll tell you in a minute. But, FIRST...

I learned recently that SFW the MOVIE is actually based off a NOVEL, written by a chap named Andrew Wellman. Apparently, Wellman was, like, 22 years old when he penned this book, and upon its publication, he became (briefly) something of a "hot shot, young new voice of an entire generation" sort of phenom, or whatever. Heck, they probably even did a profile of him in Rolling Stone.

Needless to say, the dude has all but disappeared since then. Still, I recently purchased a copy of his novel, so that I might compare it to the cinematic version.

Lemme tell you -- the book is a real treat for a guy like me, who grew up in suburban Detroit, because it takes place there and Wellman includes TONS of details about D-Town living that only insiders like myself would comprehend. There are countless Detroit shout outs in SFW the book, which is not so much the case with the movie. I like that.

Plus, the book goes deeper into the psyche of our hero, and makes him far more believable than his celluloid counterpart. You know, there's a very specific class of people depicted in Wellman's SFW: the not-quite-blue-collar, white trash, burned out, given-up-on-life (or, maybe never had a go at it in the first place) northern suburban Detroit resident. And he represents them well. I know because I UNDERSTAND these people; I get their mindset.

In fact, I used to BE one of them, but luckily changed course in my late teens before it was too late (and so, incidentally, did my previously-mentioned pal, Wayne, in case you were wondering). I mean, I'm still dirt poor with few prospects in life...but at least my attitude is different. I'm glad it is, even though that fact won't mean much for me when all is said and done, anyway.

And I'm also glad "this particular class of people" is examined in Wellman's SFW. He was a promising writer and, unfortunately, the point of his novel is almost totally lost in its film adaptation.

Let's take a look.

S.F.W. (1994)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111048/

Netflix description:
When Gen-Xer Cliff Spab (Stephen Dorff) enters a suburban convenience store to buy some beer, he ends up with more than just a 6-pack -- he's taken hostage by terrorists! But with a gun to his head and national television capturing Spab's nihilistic attitude, people not only begin listening to the disgruntled youth … they create a cult out of him. Also stars Joey Lauren Adams, Jake Busey, John Roarke and Reese Witherspoon.

Well, you may have surmised that I feel SFW the movie is not as good as the book. Nice work, Sherlock.

But is the movie good, despite that?

Meh, not really. Watching SFW NOW, at 32 and with a much better eye for film quality than I had at 16, I can see that SFW is a weak, very HOLLYWOOD, attempt to appeal to Gen Xers -- kind of like the terrible Reality Bites and Singles, which were made around the same time.

This movie endeavors to create the illusion that it has a profound point about modern materialism by shoving a foul-mouthed, apathetic rebel in our faces; but it frankly doesn't have much substance once you get past that initial novelty. It's thin and weak.

As indicated, SFW is about a guy named Cliff Spab (Stephen Dorff), who gets taken hostage in a convenience store by terrorists who broadcast his antics on TV every night. Now, what I didn't mention before is that Cliff is not alone -- his best friend Joe and a pretty blond named Wendy (Reese Witherspoon) are also in there with him.

After 30-something days in captivity, Cliff and Joe finally fight back against the terrorists, and Joe is, sadly, killed in the struggle. Cliff and Wendy alone must emerge from the confines of their Seven Eleven prison to face a world now gone mad with Spab Fever. Yeah -- seems that Spab, for as negative and cynical as he is, has entranced the entire nation during his nightly news broadcasts over the past month or so. Everyone wants a piece of him; he's a media sensation!

At first, Spab recoils in the face of this madness. He hides; lashes out; resents the bizarre attention he's receiving, made all the worse by the fact that his best friend has just been killed and no one seems to care.

But, soon enough, Spab decides to embrace the opportunity to make some noise (and maybe some money). He comes out of hiding and calls a press conference, poised to blow America's mind with profound musings on the decline of modern culture. CAN Cliff Spab succeed in this mission???

I won't tell you; but I WILL say that SFW the film falls drastically short of the novel upon which it was based. In fact, even on its own merits, the movie is rather lame.

I mean, it just FEELS too contrived -- like its screenplay was drafted by a committee of yuppie Hollywood executives attempting to capture the jaded Gen X demographic without grasping its motivations in the slightest. Cliff Spab in the film is simply too pretty; too...sympathetic. The character here is designed to be marketable on some level....

But, in the book, he's NOT. That's the point -- the dude isn't SUPPOSED to be a likable person, per se. He just IS.

Maybe some of this problem is attributable to star Stephen Dorff. You know, I admire some of his work, but watching SFW, I get the impression that Dorff didn't really "get" what Spab was all about. He tries too hard to come across as rebellious and angsty, smirking and flipping his greasy hair around with an all-too-obvious air of "Whatever!" It doesn't work for me.

Oh, and yes -- I realize that, in the years since this film's release, "S.F.W." has come to be internet parlance for "Safe for Work." Hey, there's no way Andrew Wellman (or anyone) at that time could have predicted that, OK?

(What a "SFW" image might look like.)

And, if you must know, in the case of the novel and film being discussed here, "S.F.W." actually is supposed to mean, "So F-ing What?" Pretty friggin' punk rock, huh?

Anyway....

There's a reason why SWF the movie is largely unremembered. It's just bland and too slick for its own good. There was some genuine potential here, but the end result is just an uninspired, paint-by-numbers retelling of the book, with the setting and time period altered (and an ultra hip, Soundgarden-heavy, soundtrack thrown in). Really, this sucker is thoroughly lacking in soul, folks.

Maybe check it out if you're curious. If anything, at least SFW had an interesting premise behind it.

Then again, it was actually Andrew Wellman's premise, and not this dumbass film's, sooo....

Does SFW deserve ANY credit at all?

Probably not.

2 out of 5.

b.

Expectatations Exceeded

2011-05-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

OK, friends....
I'm back. Thanks for the kind words in recent weeks. You rule.

Well, I promised that I'd return with a review of Bridesmaids, and that's precisely what I've got today.

But FIRST, I'd like to point a little something out.

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote that Jennifer Aniston is a huge tease who promises a nude scene with every movie, but never delivers? Remember that???

Some of you may have doubted me; some of you may have thought, "Oh, Drew. You're EXAGGERATING!" Well, I submit to the court THIS article regarding Aniston's upcoming film, Horrible Bosses:

(Pffffft.)

HA! Do you see? DO YOU SEE?!? I KNOW what I am talking about.

The Aniston hype machine is firing on all cylinders once again, just as I predicted. She does it every time, man. All I can do is shake my head at the poor saps who will line up for Horrible Bosses, only to realize in horror that Jennifer HAS a topless scene, but keeps her arms folded strategically over the bits we want to see throughout the whole thing. You poor, poor pathetic fools....

Anyway, don't say I didn't warn you. Now on to Bridesmaids, a film which, unlike Ms. Aniston, definitely DOES deliver.

Bridesmaids (2011)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1478338/

Netflix description:
When Annie is asked to be the maid of honor at her best friend's wedding, she has plenty of reasons to be reluctant. Unfazed, she plunges in anyway, taking her best bud and fellow bridesmaids on a wild trip to Vegas.

OK, so I've talked about Bridesmaids quite a bit, which I imagine must have seemed a bit strange at times, as I don't usually review movies like this, and I am...you know...a guy.

But, you see -- I never expected Bridesmaids to be a chick flick, even though that appears to have been everyone else's assumption. I could tell from early rumblings that this one was going to be a straight up, gender-neutral comedy, and was right. Also, since I'm a huge Kristen Wiig fan, I was very excited to see what she could do when given the chance. CAN Kristen Wiig write and carry a respectable feature length film???

Oh, hell yes, she can.

In Bridesmaids, Wiig plays Annie, a down-on-her-luck, generally irresponsible, failed entrepreneur. She's got a horrible track record with men, obnoxious roommates, and a sour attitude about life, in general. The film opens with an hilarious sex romp between her and a crude f-buddy played by an uncredited Jon Hamm. I know that I personally would have really enjoyed that scene, but a group of morons entered the theater two minutes into it and ruined the whole experience for me by standing around in the aisle looking for seats and obstructing my view. God, I hate people who do that. Why can't they arrive on time and find their friggin' places BEFORE the picture starts???

Anyway, Hamm rudely throws Annie out the next morning, leading to Wiig's first spot-on physical bit (and there will be many), during which she gets stuck on a moving driveway gate. Simple, but quite effective, clearly establishing how downtrodden this woman really is. Make no mistake -- Annie is a sad, pitiful person, and she will sink far lower than this by the end of the film. Only a true talent could portray a character this miserable and keep the mood of the overall picture upbeat. Hats off to you, Kristen.

(OK, OK. I'll stop gushing over her now.)

Well, to make a long story short, Annie's best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) soon announces that she's become engaged, and asks Annie to serve as the maid of honor for her wedding. A tall order, but Annie accepts, and a story unfolds that goes far deeper than the basic difficulties of planning a large marriage ceremony. See, while it is, at its core, a wild (and, at times, somewhat raunchy) comedy, Bridesmaids is also just as much a tale of friendship, growth, and the search for happiness. It's not REALLY "The Hangover with women" (as many have billed it); if anything, this movie actually reminded me more of The 40 Year-Old Virgin....

Not surprisingly, Annie's efforts to organize Lillian's nuptials are a disaster, as she's not only a bit incompetent herself, but is also indirectly sabotaged throughout the process by another jealous friend named Helen (Roise Byrne). Throw in the hilarious Wendi McLendon-Covey, The Office's Ellie Kemper, and the Mack Truck of a personality that is Melissa McCartney , and you've got yourself one hell of a talented, comedically skilled, bridal party.

These woman play off each other superbly, setting scenes that often feel more improv than scripted (in fact, I hear many bits WERE improv). For instance, the airplane sequence, during which Wiig creates a massive disturbance at 30-thousand feet after accidentally mixing a powerful sedative with scotch. Not only is SHE hilarious (some of the best physical comedy I've seen in years), but the supporting players contribute enough side action to keep the whole situation engaging from several perspectives. I think that may have been my favorite part.

(Ah, weddings. Aren't they grand?)

Eventually, the big day DOES happen and goes down nicely, but the ride to get there is long, bumpy, poignant, and often hysterical. Annie meets, hooks up with, and loses a nice Irish cop boyfriend; she screws up a dress fitting by taking everyone to a sketchy Brazilian restaurant that gives them all food poisoning; and she gets fired from both the maid of honor job, AND her regular day job (following the film's other best scene -- a profane and insult-ridden argument with a 13 year-old girl at a jewelry store).

What can I say about this movie that others haven't already? It's just plain fantastic. I was really impressed.

Now, I know that my Kristen Wiig worship may be getting a bit annoying here, but honestly -- I just wasn't prepared for how STRONG her dramatic skills were going to be. Annie is a sympathetic character whose emotions never feel forced in the slightest. Yet, she's also laughable, during both the outrageous moments, and the much more subtle ones (and a lot of the jokes in this film ARE, believe it or not, very low-key). Wiig simply gives an award-worthy performance in Bridesmaids, and should be recognized for it.

Not to mention her chemistry with Maya Rudolph. It's obvious almost the second we see them together, and our two leads never feel like anything less than genuine friends. Their jokes are clever; their conversations are believable; and their serious moments are heartfelt....A perfectly-matched couple of leads, I must say.

And that's where it all comes together -- excellent casting, backed by a smart script.

For once, I was excited to see a movie, and didn't walk away from it feeling let down. Bridesmaids is an excellent comedy which confirms my suspicion that Kristen Wiig is a hell of a lot more than a twitchy, loud-mouthed sketch comedy actress, and it deserves the box office success it's receiving so far. I hope this motion picture has staying power. My only complaints are that it feels sliiiightly anticlimactic, has a FEW bits that run a little long, and doesn't feature nearly enough of Wendy McClendon Covey.

But none of those things come close to being deal breakers. I advise both guys and gals alike to check out Bridesmaids. It's the best comedy I've seen in years.

4 out of 5.

b.

Yes, I'm Alive

2011-05-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

Boy, I sure have been unreliable lately, haven't I?
I promised to post, like, 20 entries for the month of April, and then bailed after only five of them. Boy, am I a tool.

Sorry, friends. You see (not to get TOO personal here), I've been dealing with "life issues." Plus, I've been sick all week, and work-related pressures have skyrocketed in the past month. A recipe for blogger failure, but I assure you, I WILL be back, posting the bestest blog entries, like, OF ALL TIME in just a few days or so.

Still, while I deal with matters that have greatly affected me both physically and emotionally, I thought I'd just take a month or so as a breather from Who Wants Taters. Yes, it bothers me, but then again, more so do the personal matters with which I've been dealing (one word -- begins with the letter "D", and ends with "ivorce"). Not really going to talk about it, but very sad; very taxing on a man's psychological well-being....

SO, I'll be back in full swing hopefully next week. Hey, how could I not be? I LOVE you cats!

And I've watched a number of fairly interesting movies since my last post, about the awesome Frozen. Honestly, I'm itching to get back in the blogging game. In fact, I remain pumped about Bridesmaids -- especially in light of THIS glowing review.

Perhaps a Bridesmaids write-up is in the cards for this weekend...if only I wasn't stuck friggin' WORKING, to attend a dang parade.

Anyway, thanks to Dave, for recommending Hobo with a Shotgun, a film of which I was certainly aware, and DEFINITELY plan to see. Also, thanks to various others for messages of inquiry.

See you fine folks in a few days!

b.

AWESOME Find Right Here

2011-04-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

All right, folks....
No need to beat around the bush. Here's an excellent little movie I found the other day. It's one of those gems that I didn't think would amount to much until I actually sat down to watch it.

Check this out.

Frozen (2010)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1323045/

Netflix description:
Three friends hit the slopes for a weekend of skiing and snowboarding. But when they convince the chairlift operator to let them take one last run before closing, Parker (Emma Bell), Joe (Shawn Ashmore) and Dan (Kevin Zegers) find themselves stranded in midair, alone and freezing. It'll be days before anyone returns to the slopes, and their chances of survival are looking slimmer by the minute. Adam Green directs this taut thriller.

Indeed, I LOVED this movie. Let's get that out of the way right now. This one here is a "buyer" for me -- a flick which I'd be willing to BUY on DVD. I've been encountering an alarmingly low number of such movies in recent years, so Frozen was a welcome surprise.

The concept is simple: three typical college kids (two dudes and one chick) get stuck on a ski lift for two days. See, in the beginning, they're just on a little weekend vacation, dealing with your normal early 20-something issues and looking for a good time. Ho-hum stuff, really. In fact, I found these young fellows to be kind of generic and uninteresting for the first half hour of the film. They're just regular college youngsters -- the kinds to which I (frankly) cannot usually relate, since I spent my own college years alone in the basement at the home of my parents, downloading adult materials and obsessively reading Dostoevsky, instead of getting girlfriends and partying in the company of others. Yes, I consider much of my youth a lost opportunity....

Anyway, things get interesting for our heroes in short order. See, they convince an absent-minded lift operator to let them squeeze in ONE LAST run down the hill after skiing action for the week has closed on one fine Sunday evening. The girl kind of flirts with the guy; he's easily charmed; and he agrees to hang out for a little while longer for the trio to return.

Needless to say, one thing leads to another, and the ski lift operator dude has to leave his post. Things go awry (as they often will in these situations), and soon enough, our three main characters find themselves stuck on the totally deactivated lift. The chair stops moving, the lights go out, and they're left suspended, like, 200 feet in the air.

The severity of this predicament becomes apparent when our heroes realize that the ski lodge will be closed for the next several days. No one is going to come back in the morning to turn the dang lift back on. WHAT DO YOU DO, hot shot???

Well, at first, our heroes bicker and panic. Fighting ensues; the girl cries, the guys yell at each other, and yada yada yada. Of course, the moment eventually comes when one of the dudes freaks out and tries to jump down. Turns out that was a BAD idea, since the area is populated by wolves who promptly devour the dumbass when his legs snap like twigs and leave a bloody mess upon impact with the ground. Youch.

What follows is some highly intense, really QUALITY, drama and suspense. WHAT will our remaining two heroes do???

Now, my main problem with this movie was the issue of the wolves. I've read in the past that wolves will go out of their way to avoid humans and, in fact, there has been NO recorded incidence of a wolf killing a human being in the United States in well over 100 years. Really, there's little or no reason to fear these noble creatures of the forest....

UNLESS, of course, you're a totally incapacitated, bloody wreck of broken bones and exposed innards lying helpless on the ground in the northern wilds. As I have learned from extensive research since seeing this film, there's a chance that the wolves really WOULD kill you in that particular scenario.

So, Frozen clears my main doubter hurdle. What other reservations about the film do I have then?

None, actually. It's just really, really good.

Friends, Frozen is just a really well-made movie. The suspense is expertly handled, the acting is top notch, and the pacing is perfect. I was drawn in for its entire run time, and actually watched the film a second time right away upon completion of the first screening. Heck, I even checked out the special features content that includes interviews with writer-director Adam Green (who is, I think, a real talent that ought to be watched). This is what it's all about -- a simple, but compelling, concept that has been executed with skill. It's the stuff that good movies are made of.

Frozen's characters overcame my initial apathy by the time the third act rolled around, and I found myself caring about their fates. When (what amounts to) the Final Girl eventually winded up attempting to crawl her way through the wilderness to safety, I actually HOPED that she'd make it, and not be ripped to shreds by the blood-thirsty animals lurking in the trees nearby. This is in contrast to how I feel about the victims in most other horror flicks -- usually, I will hoot and slap my knees in amusement when I see a bland film character get brutally killed. And the sicker the method, the more I chuckle.

However, that wasn't the case with Frozen. I LIKED these folks. And, lemme tell you -- Emma Bell, the actress who played the "Final Girl," deserves to go on to great success. She's poignant and likable and believable here. I am now officially a fan.

What a great movie. Frozen reminds me of Open Water, another incredibly simple story of regular people caught up in a nightmare disaster scenario that could conceivably happen to any of us. However, this new entry is much better. Open Water was a little boring at times, whereas Frozen keeps our attention all throughout.

Plus, this film raises awareness of the hazards of skiing, a sport that I have never understood. I mean, skiing ranks right up there with horseback riding as an unnecessary, dangerous elitist athletic activity that murders good people. Friends, STOP SKIING! PLEASE!!!

Anyway, I recommend Frozen highly. While most viewers might not QUITE get the enjoyment out of it that I did, I'll still stand behind this film's quality, and predict that everyone ought to at least consider it worth the 90 minute investment. Frozen is an example of the kind of innovation and technical prowess that makes for a genre-refreshing release. I wish I had been the one to make this movie. I'd be proud to say it was MY idea, and MY production....

Adam Green, you brilliant bastard, I am jealous of you.

5 out of 5.

b.